Why You Should Never Ask a Biologist How to Cross the Road

Biologists are known for their meticulous approach to understanding complex systems. While their insights are invaluable in many areas, asking them how to cross the road might lead you down an unexpectedly intricate path.

This humorous account captures the essence of conversations with many in the bio community and across collaborative fields involving biologists. It’s meant in good humor and I hold biologists in the highest regard as they work with the most complex machinery known to humanity.

A biologist might start by saying it’s impossible to cross the road or give a straightforward answer. They have good reasons for this, all rooted in the complexity and variability of roads and traffic systems! Here is what they would allegedly say:

• No one fully understands how roads work!
• There are billions of roads worldwide, each with unique characteristics.
• There are so many types of roads: mid paths, nettled roads, highways, lanes, cement, tar.
• The evolution of roads is not clear; the modern road is the result of centuries of development.
• Roads are constantly undergoing maintenance and changes.
• There are millions of vehicles of various types, each contributing to traffic flow and behavior.
• Roads can be one-way, two-way, single lane, multiple lanes, each configuration adding to the complexity.
• Surface structures and materials vary, influencing how they interact with vehicles and weather conditions which affects crossing them.
• Roads get slippery when wet, affecting traction and safety for walking.
• Weather conditions such as rain, snow, and heat can drastically change road behavior.
• Construction work introduces new variables and unpredictability.
• Traffic signals and road markings can change behavior, especially during rush hour.
• The presence of pedestrians adds another layer of complexity.
• Road intersections create complex, non-linear patterns of movement.
• Traffic accidents can suddenly alter the dynamics of road usage.
• Roadside vegetation can impact visibility and safety.
• The behavior of wildlife near roads can also introduce unexpected variables.
• Roads in different regions may adhere to different regulations and standards.
• The psychological state of drivers can influence road safety and crossing dynamics.
• The quality and visibility of road signage can vary greatly.
• The impact of urban vs. rural settings introduces further variables.
• Traffic laws and enforcement can differ significantly between jurisdictions.
• Cultural differences in road crossing behavior combined with driving behaviour can affect road crossing strategies.
• Nighttime versus daytime conditions can change the way roads are navigated.
• Emergency vehicles and their unpredictable routes add another layer of complexity.
• Road wear and tear, such as potholes, can create hazards.
• Public events can alter normal traffic patterns unexpectedly.
• The presence of bicycles and other non-motorized vehicles introduces additional considerations.
• Parking behaviors and the presence of parked cars can obstruct views and paths.
• The existence of temporary roadblocks and detours can change usual crossing patterns.
• The behavior of other road users, such as skateboarders and electric scooter riders, adds more variability.
• The effect of road noise on concentration and decision-making can be significant.
• Pollution levels on busy roads can affect visibility.
• The effectiveness of road safety campaigns and public awareness.
• The presence of speed bumps, roundabouts, and other traffic calming measures.
• Health, sex, age, weight of the person needs to be stratified and considered while answering this question.
• The clothing they wear affects the crossing behavior.
• Any food you may have consumed, medicines you may have taken, allergies etc affects the crossing behavior.
• The mental state, alertness, urgency etc. matters. Did they fight with someone? are they in blissful state of unawareness? do they have ADHD?
• ….

Given all these variables, a biologist might suggest a comprehensive study: observe the road for several years, publish a series of research papers, and convene an international symposium to discuss findings and theories. No action will be taken during such long prolonged debates, negation, analysis, control group study etc..

By the time all this research is completed, the chicken would have crossed the road.

Sometimes, the best approach is to simply look both ways and take the first step, leaving the in-depth analysis as you progress.