Be Better at Coffee
Here are some tips that’ll help you make better coffee. But first, some Balzac:
All of you, then, you illustrious Human Candles — you who consume your own brilliant selves with the heat and light of your minds — approach and listen to the Gospel of the Watch, of Wakefulness, of Intellectual Travail!
- Honoré de Balzac
Let’s make one thing clear: if you drink coffee, you’re already a rung above the rest. While I reserve the right to judge your technique, please know that I do so out of love for my fellow Believers of the Black Water (BBWs). Heed my words and be not afraid. If you don’t drink coffee, fix that. It’s a character flaw and it doesn’t look good on you.
To truly understand the black elixir, one must first know the basics. Coffee is not actually a bean; it’s the pit of a cherry-like fruit. There are two main species of coffee plant: coffea arabica and coffea canephora, the former being significantly more common than the latter. The term arabica does not refer to the Arabian Peninsula. That means Americans will still be able to import coffee under the Trump Administration.
Another fun fact: lighter roast coffees have more caffeine. Caffeine is lost during the roasting process. Thus, a longer roast means less caffeine. While this fact is generally accepted, the difference is trivial and shouldn’t sway you one way or the other.
You’re thinking: “But none of that helps me make a better cup of coffee!” Fair enough. I’ll spare you a lecture on the origins of the nectar. Here are three things that will actually help you on your quest for enlightenment:
Stay Fresh
Much like other plant byproducts, fresher is better. Buy the freshest coffee you can. Thanks to the third-wave coffee movement, almost every city has a few roasters. Warning: you may, at one point or another, find yourself in a gaggle of hipsters. If you aren’t careful, you WILL be subjected to a discussion on veganism. Neither speak to them or make eye contact and you should be safe.
Don’t want to spend a lot on high-end coffee? Roast your own. It’s super simple, and if you don’t tell anyone about it, they won’t know how douchey you are. I purchase my beans from Sweet Maria’s and roast them in a hot-air popcorn popper. If you decide to take this route, be sure to do your research. Some are better than others.
One caveat: I know I said fresher is better. That’s actually not entirely true. Freshly roasted beans should be given 12–48 hours to relax (depending on who you ask) before brewing.
These Beans are Made for Grinding
Honestly. There’s a reason all respectable roasters include this on their websites. As soon as coffee beans are obliterated, they begin to lose essential oils. The bean itself is nature’s handy little package. It holds in the tasty bits. Imagine if you lost your essential oils. You would taste like ass. “Is it really worth the extra time and money?” Yes.
This doesn’t mean you should toss whole beans into a Ziploc and just go to town. Buy a decent grinder. While a blade grinder is better than nothing, burr grinders are significantly more consistent. Instead of a spinning blade, burr grinders crush the coffee in a gear-like mechanism. Almost all such grinders have settings that let users select the proper coarseness.
Consistency and control are essential. The brewing process is really just a game of extraction. A fine grind, like that used in espresso, exposes more surface area and requires less brewing time. A coarse grind, like that used in the French press, exposes less surface area and can withstand longer exposure to water. And that, my friends, is why consistency is so important. If fine granules make their way into your French press, that shit’s going to be bitter AF after four minutes in 200-degree water.
Why Drip When You Can Pour?
Drip brewers are easy and they get the job done. No judgement here. But consider upgrading to a French press, Chemex, or some other technique. This is especially true if you work in an office full of animals that assume the coffee filter should be packed to the brim.
The French press and pour-over options allow for significantly more control. If you like full-bodied coffee and aren’t afraid of some grounds, go with a French press. If you prefer a clean cup with almost no bitterness, check out the Chemex. Whatever you choose, take pride in the ritual. It’s the best part of my morning.
I’ll save my discussion on gram scales, thermometers, and timing for another post. If you take only one thing from this rant, let it be that you should grind your own coffee. It’s relatively cheap, easy, and it makes all the difference. Don’t you want to make a difference in this world?
