Going from Emotional Texting To Transactional Texting in the Wake of Divorce for Healthy Co-Parenting. (Plus: A note on Shame and Vulnerability and Going Through it and Growing Through it). Stick With Me.
Taking my own call — I stepped outside my own writing box to bring you a lesson I worked hard to learn, to incorporate, and have prevailed because of it, and felt moved to share it.
A quick preface — some of you readers know part of my story. I actually started writing and discovered Medium for the sole purpose of writing about my marriage blowing up and how I got through it. My ex got lost. Way lost. I was blindsided, fought my way through it and came out the other side. My first article was a pretty powerful piece for me.
How Did it Feel To Find Out My Husband Was Having An Affair?
Ok. How did it feel to learn my husband had been fucking someone else?
Healing, real, raw. My readers told me that it brought them into my bedroom with me, right back to that moment. You readers felt it just like I did, our hearts, our heartstrings, our bodies, tightening. Quickly. You were right there with me when the universe collapsed and meteorites crashed into the earth flinging debris in every direction. You understood how it must have felt because for a moment you felt it too.
Imagine having that happen, and then having to navigate from that morning to co-parenting? The in between stuff? That’s just not a 4-minute read.
Today though — I’m almost 6 years out.
I was pulled to write. I was pulled to be authentic. I started to strip, taking off all my clothing until, as marika bianca says,
Totally Exposed, Lay Naked On the Page.
Here I am. I am ready and excited to share my words of wisdom in hopes that you save yourselves a lot of time and grief. I hope that one of you readers are or knows someone who knows someone thinking of getting out of their marriage, or someone who just got divorced, and pass this on to them or incorporate this should your own situation call for it.
Today, I specifically write for married partners who are individually or jointly thinking about separating, who have started the separating process, who have already moved apart, or are divorcing. Today, I write for adults with partners. Today I write for parents.
I write to tell you that yes, we CAN ASCEND. We can do this. We can walk through this without dying inside. We are strong AF! Have you ever watched The Ted Talks of Brene Brown?
If not, I highly recommend watching her lessons on vulnerability and shame. Do you know what the difference between guilt and shame is? Guilt is “I did something bad, and I feel bad about it.” Shame is “I am bad.” BIG thoughts, huh? Like Whoa. She is right. Ponder that one for a moment.
Then keep walking, because we have a lot of healing to do! I also highly recommend reading her book (or listening on Audible while walking on a beach, or changing a diaper — whatever works) to Daring Greatly. Every.word.resonates. from her book.
In my opinion that,
Vulnerability is the deepest form of showing strength.
I manifest for all of you to not live in shame that a marriage doesn’t last — just simply walk through it. What’s in the way is the way.
When a marriage falls apart, allow yourself to go to that space, to be vulnerable, for that is the birthplace of creativity. And oh how your creative side will take hold! You are going to:
- Create a process.
- Create new chapter.
- Create a new life.
- Create Art.
- Create a healthy co-parenting relationship!
#1 TEXTING RULE
ONLY TRANSACTION TEXT!
Protect yourself. Channeling your inner Wonder Woman and Lady Gaga — have your paws up, wings open, and shields up!
Don’t get so caught up in the emotional ride your ex can take you for. And PLEASE don’t take your ex on an emotional ride either. It doesn’t serve either of you. Step back. Take a breath. And do what serves you best. And that is to keep text transactional. It will help keep you sane. It keeps your evolving relationship healthy, which helps both of you and your family and friends.
The sooner you can incorporate this lesson the better; it's never too late. No matter what stage you are in, even if you have not decided to separate but it’s in the back of your mind, you have got to change your behavior now.
- Emotional texts can get easily misconstrued, misunderstood, misinterpreted.
- The reader of an emotional text can interpret the tone of the words in a very different way then the sender meant for it to be taken.
An emotional text does not serve the sender in anyway (except a very short term potential revenge shaming high that disappears quickly and makes the sender feel worse).
An emotional text does not serve the receiver in anyway. It can cause knee jerk responses, manipulations, misinformation, and chaos. If the received response in the same manner then the pattern does not break and there texting remains on a vicious unhealthy cycle.
- Emotion texting drains everyone’s energy. It does not lend itself in any way to healing.
- REMEMBER THIS ALWAYS — sometimes the best response is no response! If the texting exchange is not going in a healthy non-toxic direction then DON’T engage.
- In emotional texting, it’s really easy to have one’s message get lost amongst the layers of feelings. Keep it clean. Keep it calm. Your main point has a better chance of getting through.
SO WHAT DOES TRANSACTIONAL MEAN?
The Process to negotiate a contract between two people.
The idea here is to have you and you potential ex/soon to be ex/ex partner keep your texting communication transactional. What is this about? How does it get accomplished? What’s the end result? WITHOUT getting feelings involved. It’s challenging but so worth it, and it’s so much healthier.
SO WHAT DOES TRANSACTIONAL TEXTING LOOK LIKE?
Transactional texting looks like:
- the facts
- no feelings
- no emotions
It looks simple with fewer headaches, fewer emotions, fewer feelings getting hurt. I learned to go from messy emotionally draining my energy texting to healthy transactional texting that led to an excellent co-parenting relationship.
Be Fierce 💃my friends
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