Boris: another poo flushed into British waters
Former Prime Minister, Boris Johnson ejects himself from parliament, but not before making a whopping stink.
Britain was rocked to its semi-fracked core upon the news that the nation’s most successful lazy person had resigned as a member of parliament. Boris Johnson, a once beloved fool (note: now just fool), took destiny into his own hands by resigning, rather than face a humiliating suspension following an investigation that found he had lied to the House. At the time of writing, only Boris knows both the truth and the results of the committee. One must presume the two looked strikingly similar laid out side-by-side for him to take this preemptive measure.
Johnson’s defence throughout the committee’s investigation was that he didn’t know that he was lying. “I was telling the truth to the best of my knowledge”, he oft repeated; an ingenious Jedi-mind trick, presumably one they only teach you at public (meaning private) school. By the way, I do think there should be more government funding for the likes of Eton and Harrow as the quality of education of the political class seems to be somewhat lacking. However, I have no doubt some “levelling up” money will find its way to them.
Anyway, back to Blobulous Johnson and his humpty-dumpty-like fall from disgrace. Once the most powerful man in the British Isles, it seemed he literally could do no wrong (if no wrong meant being held accountable). How did we get here? In short, Boris ‘I shake hands with everyone who has Covid’ Johnson and those that work for him were getting drunk at a cornucopia of parties in Downing Street (and his flat)(and Chequers), while the rest of the UK were following the advice published by the same people — barring them from saying goodbye to dying loved ones. Some people forget, mainly right-wing commentators, that this last part is very true, very real and very raw. Of course, it is bad enough that all these parties happened in the first place, but what has been most galling for people is that Boris told the House and the British people that he didn’t know about them. Or that he didn’t know that he knew about them. Or that he was present but didn’t know the party was a party. Or, as is every Tory politician’s favourite phrase, it was too soon to pre-judge whether he had been at any parties.
Lying in state
In a “defiant” resignation shitpost, Boris complained he had been unfairly treated by a “kangaroo court”. If that were the case, then we would expect to see him shipped to Australia in the great British tradition of exporting criminals. The irony is, of course, that the Conservatives have the majority on the committee and had the power to save Johnson even if he was guilty. The fact they didn’t means he must be really rather very guilty. The very fact there are so few Tory MPs willing to stand up to defend him is even more surprising; as defending the indefensible has become somewhat of a catchphrase for the party.
The only people who have come out to defend Boris are those on his honours list. And what an honour that is. It contains some of the most uninspiring and unsuitable people to ever be in the upper chamber. But that doesn’t say much, seeing as the House of Lords still has hereditary peers; the Church of England has a gang of Bishops in the front row; and who can forget when the Tories summoned Andrew Lloyd Webber to fly back from New York just to vote for a reduction in tax credits for the nation’s most in-need. A place of moral high-ground it ain’t. In fact, and I can’t believe I am saying this, Nigel Farage and I are on the same page here: it needs reform. So for the time being, I am fine with tucking the likes of Jacob ‘Can’t spell Mettle’ Rees-Mogg away at the back of the political shelf to be dealt with later.
Lest we forget that Boris did what no other person alive could have done: support Ukraine whilst also maintaining friendships with so many Russian oligarchs.
What next for Johnson? The rumour-mill is rife with speculation as to what he might do now that the shackles of Westminster have been flung into the ditch. There is always the lucrative speaking circuit, where he is known to bash out the same best hits every night. He could do something a bit more middle-fingerish and start a new political party.
MAKE BORIS GREAT AGAIN
BORIS MEANS BORIS
OVEN-READY BORIS
Like flies to fresh turds, both Farage and Richard Tice have hinted at possible collaborations, but I find it hard to think that Boris would want to float too far away from the Conservative source. I actually think he would rather say that it is he that is the Conservative Party and everyone else is the blob or establishment, as those are actual things he is not. It seems far more likely he would launch a party called The Real Conservatives. That being said, it seems like a lot of effort for a man who is far more interested in schmoozing and boozing.
Lest we forget that Boris did what no other person alive could have done: support Ukraine whilst also maintaining friendships with so many Russian oligarchs. Is NATO calling? If they are then he better hope they have his new number as the phone the Covid Enquiry want to see seems to be conveniently “unaccessible”.
Or could he end up on GB News, sandwiched between Farage and the very vast yet odd array of adverts for Welsh furniture stores (this only makes sense if you are one of the few people who have actually watched the channel). Whilst I am sure GB News have been busy offering him more money than they can afford, it is much easier for him to get loans from friends in former high places than to do any real work. However, with all the hush money, illegitimate children and whopping new £3.8 Million house to pay for, Johnson might find that there is not much he can say no to.
