The Blob: the enemy of the people everyone is talking about.
What is The Blob? What does it want? And how grotesque does it look in a bikini? All essential questions the likes of the Daily Mail will be exploring in depth this summer.
In recent months, you’d be hard-pressed not to have encountered mentions of The Blob. The Mail’s Richard Littlejohn called Boris an “anti-Blob crusader”, GB News’ Dan Wootton calmly noted that the “woke blob want to destroy the country”, and Laurence Fox fretted that Liz Truss fought The Blob, but “the blob won”. From those descriptions, you might be led to believe that The Blob is a politician-decapitating, country-destroying entity at war with fair England. Surely something this dangerous should be priority number one for everyone in the nation? Let’s dig deeper to find out more about this amorphous adversary.
If you imagine “The Blob”, what do you see? Well, perhaps the first thing to spring to mind is a group of civil servants in Mr. Blobby costumes. For those who don’t know who or what Mr. Blobby is, imagine a deranged Big Bird with skin cancer whose record also hit №1 in the chart on Christmas day. This also tells you enough about the British psyche as a whole.
In reality, this depiction is far too specific. The beauty of The Blob is that you can allude blame on an individual or group without actually pointing at anyone directly. You don’t even need to say what The Blob has done — just that it has done the exact opposite of what you wanted to do. Like drowning migrants in the channel for example. It can also be responsible for your own incompetence if the thing you did get to do, didn’t work. The Swiss Army knife of failure!
The truth of the matter is “The Blob” is just a lazy idea for some faceless nebulous scapegoat. The big issue with this is that it seems to follow the US trend towards blaming a ‘deep state’ for all the nation’s woes. More troubling still is that it’s only one small step to then start pointing fingers at who is claimed to be “behind” The Blob. This is where you get into such territory of blaming it on “the Jews”, or immigrants, or “the other”. This is already happening in the US and has been going on for some time — elevated further when Trump made fringe conspiracy theories the mainstream.
It’s the next evolution in the assault on everything “woke”. With “wokeness”, the right was attacking ideas they didn’t like, and it was considered a disease (or “mind virus”). But The Blob suggests a further evolution whereby there is a sense of organisation, cohesion and sentience. Something that is far more sinister and powerful.
Surely Britain wouldn’t slide further down this slippery pole into casual fascism? Well… who really thought we’d get to the point we are already at? The issue is that it’s a perfect example of the boiling frog syndrome. Just as we literally boil our planet through slow incremental increases in temperature that we struggle to notice — we also let standards in public life slip one little lie at a time.
So if this hive mind of woke terror is made up of many bad actors, who are actually accused of being in and of The Blob? From what we have seen from right-wing commenters, it includes at least the following:
- Civil servants (obviously)
- Lifeguards
- The Labour Party
- All other parties who are not Conservative
- Remoaner Conservatives
- Judges
- Lawyers
- Scientists
- Economists
- Teachers
- Doctors & nurses
- Unions
- The markets
- Just Stop Oil protestors
- The MET
- People protesting about the MET
- Women
- Covid 19
- Trans people
- Immigrants
- Anyone who used to be called “woke.”
It is only a matter of time before the list grows to include even more people as the vagueness of the “insult” develops further. Nobody is safe. You recycle? Blob! You volunteer at a food bank? Blob! Want to see a doctor? Massive Communist Blobjockey!
Where do we go from here? Well, I am afraid the prognosis for “democracy” in Britain doesn’t look good. Especially seeing as even if Labour win the next general election — they have already backpedalled on countless pledges. Lest we forget their lack of appetite for repealing the anti-protest laws rushed through parliament before the coronation! This is the law that allowed the police to arrest and detain people for thought crimes and possession of cardboard. Whilst it might feel like good news to see many Conservative MPs eventually kicked out of Westminster — it is worth thinking about where they will go next: to the fringes, to the papers, into lobbying groups, onto Newsnight. Such an engrained stain doesn’t swiftly recede. No, once that tide reaches new heights of depravity, it leaves all the detritus and defecation palisading our isles, never to be fully washed away.
And what of The Blob itself? If the latest Conservative attack ads are anything to be believed, we should expect Keir Starmer to see that it gets an honour. Arise, Sir Blob! Shortly after, it seems inevitable that The Blob will largely be forgotten, replaced by the hot new enemy of the people. This happens to everyone, especially those partaking in the battlefield of inefficiency called British politics. But it also wouldn’t be very shocking if we later discover Boris has had an affair with The Blob, and our new nemesis is a fresh-faced Bloblet. Let the oven-ready nightmare continue.
