What single men keep doing wrong.

Misconceptions about meeting women.

If you think about it, the world is pretty fantastic. The whole thing. Beer, snow, denim jeans, puppies, iphones, the ocean, fireworks, and other things. There is so much out there to enjoy.

The best thing about this world, bar none, is the woman. She has every good quality that men don’t have,and most of the good stuff that we do have. She’ll even have the children so that we won’t have to, but that doesn’t leave this room. She is strong and still soft, heroic and still gentle. She is kind, and she is still ever sharp.

It stands to reason that the second best thing about this world is the opportunity to interact with one of these women. Maybe, a friendship? Dare I say, a mutual attraction? To experience the magic, a giggle, a flip of the hair, or a whisper in our ear is better than… everything.

Men, I’m deeply saddened. Many of us will miss that magic, and we will be at fault. Some of us will sleep comfortably in the paralysis of our own insecurity, never to extend even a friendly greeting. Some will take the initial leap into the mysterious unknown, and our feet will slip on the social banana peel of awkwardness; we’ll fall ever into a lonely void. At least until the next woman comes along, and we try again.

However, as we fall we might catch a glimpse of the man among us who leeps with conviction and eludes that banana peel. He crawls out of his fear and insecurity to capture the ambrosia he’s been dreaming of. She comfortably gives that man her phone number.

As we celebrate him with nods of approval and raised eyebrows, we imagine the joy he will experience in his new found friendship. I tell you now, we can all march in his steps. We can taste the sweetest fruit. We can experience the magic.

My friends, we can all successfully talk to women.

Having been around the watering holes for years now, I’m privileged to have seen many men succeed and fail, and have learned from each man. The men who fail seem to carry a certain set of misconceptions about the mystery of interaction with women. Many are but thoughts that feed their own fears, and many others are simple missteps. I want to speak to these, one by one. I’ll start with the following 5. As the journey of the socializing man continues, the conversation will continue with it.

I should buy her a drink.

No, no you shouldn’t. Good men will often extend a drink as a gesture of kindness. Too often. That’s the problem. Though a good man may have the best intentions, a lesser man will use this tactic to get a woman drunk and subsequently into bed with him. It happens all the time, and women know it. Most women will turn down the drink and turn you down with it.

In fact, many cunning women will even use this to their advantage. As a promoter and bartender, I had seen women come to the watering hole without a dollar to their name. There were always weak men available to buy them a nice buzz before they slipped into a cab with their girlfriends.

Buy yourself a drink, sojourner. You deserve it.

I’m broke.

So? Okay, I understand. There are some women out there digging for gold. Fuckem. There are more than enough suckers who will flash their cash (whether or not they have it) to collect these women. They’re made for each other. Stay out of the way. You’ll see that guy again in 10 years with only half of his things.

Now that that’s out of the way, you need to understand something. Genuine attraction can be forged without a monetary agenda. You don’t need a ton of money, however, you do need to have a passion and be working toward it. Good women admire passion and are attracted to the passionate.

Umm… if your passion is video gaming, try to keep that on the down-low unless she brings up her own interest in gaming.

I’m a nice guy. Should I be an asshole?

No. Un-pop your collar for a second and listen. This idea that women like assholes has been around for way too long. It’s hard to pin-point exactly who started it, but I will and then punch that guy in the face.

Here’s the truth. To meet women, you need to be CONFIDENT!

Both assholes and good, confident men meet women. The difference is that assholes lack the humility and vulnerability it takes to continue a successful relationship. They must resort to dehumanizing their girlfriends in order to keep them around. This is incredibly destructive.

If you have your shit together, you don’t need to be a dick. She’ll want you because you’re a good man with his shit together.

Cool, so I can be a nice guy! Right?

Wrong. I know you’re a good guy. I know you want to complement her and buy her flowers and do nice things. There’s a time for that, and the initial interaction isn’t that time.

When meeting women, Nice Guys Finish Last.

This seems contradictory to the last section about not being an asshole. It isn’t. What you need to understand is, men have already flooded the market with compliments and drink offers and all the nice things you thought would get her attention. You definitely don’t need to be a dick, but being overly nice will blend you right back into the crowd; even worse, it can be seen as a sign of weakness.

Remember this. Women are like men, in that they want what they can’t have. A woman is attracted to the guy who isn’t trying to get her attention. He gives out the vibe that he’s already spending his time in the company of other women… or he’s gay. Both vibes can work nicely for him. He doesn’t need to bend over backwards for her or anyone else. The man who is bending over backward for her will seem too available and either drive her away, or end up in the dreaded “Friend Zone.”

Don’t be a nice guy. Be a good man. You can still help old ladies across the street and adopt puppies from the pound. Okay? It’s not the end of the world.

I’m not exactly statuesque.

It’s okay. Seriously, it is. Your natural looks don’t matter as much as you think. They help, but what matters more is how you present yourself.

Looking Good is more important than being Good Looking.

Good looking men may catch a woman’s eye, but they strike out just as often as the average joe. A girl friend told me once that “He looked the part, but that was about it.” That guy didn’t have the meat between his ears to keep her attention. Isn’t that great! It gives us nerds hope.

The underlying misconception here is that women are visually attracted to men in the same way that men are to women. That’s not true. Women are initially looking for different characteristics than we are. Men will notice certain “features” associated with a woman’s figure, while women tend to notice physical traits that tell them about our personality. Here are some of the fallacies that we need to let go of.

• Women like a buff guy. In fact, buff dudes tend to be intimidating to women. As men, we rarely have to face the reality that a new woman we talk to could overpower us and put us in danger. Women have to deal with this EVERY TIME they meet a new man. Men with average body types happen to be disarming and can be more comfortable to talk to. Men, continue going to the gym. This isn’t a good reason to be a slob.
• Women like a full head of hair. Ok, stop watching those ridiculous commercials for hair plugs, Rogaine, and whatever bullshit you’re being told you need. Most women think bald men are sexy or have the potential to be sexy. I’ll clarify, and listen closely. Balding doesn’t work. Bald works. If you’re trying to hold onto that little tumbleweed attached to your forehead, stop it.
• Expensive clothing. What? No. Dress like you have self worth. Have a style. For God’s sake, wear clothes that fit you. Remember, money isn’t a factor in attraction. Do dress as if you value your public appearance. You don’t often see men who look like hobos beating the women off with a stick. And please, don’t wear shorts to a bar.

I’ll leave you with this, good Men. Strive to be better than yourself for your own sake. Walk tall and smile. Go to the gym. Learn a new language. Experience a new place. Value yourself, and women will value you. Now get out there and be somebody!