Closer
They appeared as two black dots suspended in separate light funnels, facing away from each other when seen from above. Two moths trapped in the alluring blue light, maybe unaware of the existence of the other. It was past midnight, but both Anukriti and Darsh were awake. Their tired drooping eyes saw nothing but bright screens in the dark room. It has been like this for a while. Not acknowledging the presence of the other. Their place had become more silent lately, or perhaps louder. After closing a bunch of tabs, Darsh finally stood up, unable to feel his spine. He saw Anukriti already asleep on the sofa, which actually was his place to sleep. Confused, he decided not to wake her up and went to bed after turning her laptop off.
Anukriti woke up to the smell of coffee. The blinding sunshine from the balcony carved furrows on her forehead. She collected her disheveled hair into a bun while her eyes adjusted to the brightness.
“Morning.”
She saw Darsh’s reflection in the black glass table keeping a mug in front of her.
“I am making pasta, freshen up”.
She tried responding with a smile.
*Breakfast*
The same two black dots were sitting across the glass table with two plates of white pasta in front of them. The steel forks cluttered on the ceramic plate, ceiling fan hummed and wall clock ticked in an attempt to fill the silence. The walls indeed listened. Anukriti’s wet hair ran from head to her right shoulder like long black silk threads. She didn’t mind a part of her cotton kurti getting dabbed by the tips of her hair. Her dark circles hung like small bags beneath her eyes, which were glued to the screen of her phone. The left thumb scrolled through hundreds of emails and the right one held the fork aimlessly. She would keep the fork down in between to reply to some of those mails. At every bite, Darsh was stealing glances at her face like a stranger, waiting for a mere sign if not words, even a fake smile acknowledging his cooking?
When he couldn’t resist further, he finally asked, “Is it fine?”
“It’s delicious!” said Anukriti smiling, waking up from a trance. Darsh instantly regretted asking. He ate the rest of his pasta without lifting his eyes and headed to the kitchen with his plate leaving Anukriti with her phone alone.
On his way out he shouted, “You don’t always have to show me how busy you have become!” Anukriti shot a look through her shoulder but chose not to speak anything.
*Balcony*
In this new dystopian world of the pandemic, where many had lost their employment, Anukriti was one those fortunate people whose job was actually thriving. Being a digital artist, her skills were in high demand to design logos, posters and catalogue books. Sitting in the corner of her balcony beside tiny succulents, she was working on one of such projects when Darsh entered with a novel in his hand, at the sight of which, she kept her pen aside and looked away.
“What are you working on?”
“Designing a logo about stock market investments and stuff”. He nodded encouragingly. “For Akash,” she added.
Darsh narrowed his eyes in disbelief and laughed, “Of course. It is for him!” Anukriti looked straight at him without saying a word.
“What?” Darsh used his usual high pitched justifying voice in defense, “He’s Akash! You know that fucker. Do you really think he can help anyone with the stock market? Does he even know what the stock market is? What happened to his electronic appliance business?”
“I don’t know Darsh, what happened to your job in this pandemic?”
“So what? Does that mean he should be barking up the wrong tree? Funny how people think they know everything.”
“Isn’t it Darsh? Isn’t it funny?” She retorted.
Darsh frowned and looked away. He saw Mr. and Mrs. Singh, an elderly couple, sitting on the opposite balcony across the street. Mr. Singh was flipping pages of the newspaper and Mrs. Singh seemed to be working on a crochet. They appeared so calm and happy. Were they happy because they were silent? Is silence really the language of love? He tried to recall their first name but couldn’t.
“All I am saying is that he should do something which he knows well.”
“Why did you come here?” She said without a pause.
“What?” He raised his eyebrows.
“Why did you come to the balcony? If you can see, I am working here. Can’t you read…” she tilted her head in an attempt to read the title, “….your book somewhere else?”
“Wow!” He stood there for a moment smiling faintly.
“What?”
“Why can’t you just say you don’t like my company anymore?” shrugging his shoulders.
Anukriti threw her head backwards in despair and rolled her eyes. She picked up her pen again and traced the already drawn part of the logo, her head sunk down.
“Classic Anukriti” He smirked and turned away.
“Can you please not?!” She shouted. Mr. Singh popped his head out of the newspaper and Mrs. Singh’s hand stopped knitting as if someone pressed her pause button. Darsh was standing still, like a kid being punished in front of his friends, only they were no friends, he didn’t even know the first name of the spectators. Anukriti saw them observing. She collected her things and stormed off the balcony. Darsh looked across the street. Mr. Singh’s head disappeared behind the newspaper again and Mrs. Singh’s hand restarted knitting like a pre-programmed machine.
*Bedroom*
It was quieter than night, except for the silver dolphins in the wind chime which were swimming in the breeze of the summer noon. The whole world was still. No bicycle was ringing. No dog was barking. Even the children were not playing. The only thing in the streets were tiny invisible viruses waiting for a human like hellhounds. Darsh hesitantly stood in front of the bedroom and tried to peek in through the door ajar. When he couldn’t see anything, he slowly entered. Anukriti didn’t look up. He sat on the opposite corner of the bed quietly, facing away. Again, there were two dots, sitting on opposite corners of a rectangular bed. As far as the box had allowed. The silver dolphins jingled and the walls listened.
After a while, Darsh kept both of his palms on the mattress and slightly turned his head towards her to say, “I am sorry.” Still not looking at her face.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Darsh lifted his eyes to look at her face now. She was sitting in the corner near the window. Her chin resting on her knees and big brown eyes were fixed on the jingling silver dolphins.
“I am tired Darsh, I am tired of fighting with you.”
“Come on Anu, you are thinking too much, stop overreacting.” He reached for her hand.
“Unbelievable!”
“Oh nice, sit in the victim’s chair, put the devil’s horns on my head.” His face was resting on his palm now.
“Do you even understand how difficult it has become to talk to you?”
“Talk to me? Really? You have to look at me to talk to me! You have to make eye contact with me to talk to me! You have to throw some words out of your mouth to talk to me, Anukriti! Do you remember doing any of that lately?”
He paused for a breath. His hands waving in the air like an angry conductor in an orchestra.
“Do you even know that I live in the very same house as you? From the start of this lockdown Anukriti, you have become so ignorant… so self-absorbed, that you barely even notice me!” His finger traced the crescendo of his voice as he talked.
“We live under the same bloody roof Darsh! How can we not talk? We do talk! And I am sorry, I cannot talk to you round the clock. I have work to do. I have nearly five deadlines to meet each day. Half of my time I spend thinking about projects and the other half, I spend fighting with you! It is exhausting, and I know you would feel that I am showing off my job but I don’t care! Think as you please but this is it. I just need some time alone. Why can’t you wrap your head around this simple thing?”
Anukriti got off the bed and started walking while she spoke in front of the window.
“And why can’t you just say it to my face that you don’t love me anymore? That my presence annoys you now?” Darsh got off the bed too.
“This… exactly this fucking thing!” Anukriti stepped closer to Darsh with both of her palms holding her forehead. Her big brown eyes spoke more words than her lips.
“Your constant need of assurance that I love you. Why do you do this Darsh? It chokes me like a snake around my neck! It won’t let me breathe! What do you want me to do? Do you want me to tattoo ‘I love you Darsh’ on my head? Or do you want me to post our picture on Instagram with the caption ‘Chilling out with my hubby’? What The Fuck Do You Want?”
Her golden hoop earrings were dangling like swings. Her eyes were fierce.
Darsh tried laughing, “It’s alright. You don’t have to get so angry. We can just talk this out like adults. I can forget this. It is okay.”
“No! It is not okay.” She was astonished. “You first make me realize what I did wrong and then pretend to forgive it. Who the fuck are you? You act like a messiah who accepts me in spite of all my flaws, why? ‘Anukriti you forgot to do the laundry when it was your turn but it’s fine, I’ve done it for you’, ‘Anukriti you didn’t call Ma but it’s okay, I’ve told her that you’re busy’, ‘Anukriti you ignore me but it’s cool, I can forget’ , You make me hate myself Darsh!” Her hands clenched into fists and she was breathing heavily.
“God Anukriti! How do these thoughts even enter your head? I never intended any of those. And what the fuck has happened to you?” His voice suddenly rose. “Why are you being so aggressive? Huh? I’ve said all those things because they were true. You have been acting aloof ever since the lockdown started. Your face used to light up around me. We used to have coffee together on the balcony. We used to watch shows together. What happened?” Darsh was shouting at the top of his lungs now. Anukriti was listening silently. Her eyes were turning moist.
“Everyday…” He continued. “… I try to wake up before you do. Make coffee for you. Cook most of the meals. Appear for online interviews. Study for those interviews. And then do the dishes. But you are never happy! You are never happy Anukriti! Why? You ask me for space, but what more have I asked you to do except for a mere conversation in a day? What have you become Anukriti? Why have you changed so much?”
Both were silent for a moment. Darsh looked into the big teary eyes.
“Is it about money? Isn’t it? It is because I have lost my job…”
“Yes it is about your fucking job!” Anukriti snatched the silver dolphins clanging next to her. The dolphins shattered on the floor like glass. Tears started streaming down her cheeks. Darsh was startled. She continued, “Ever since the lockdown has started I am doing all the bills alone. I pay the rent. I pay for your Amazon orders. I send money to Ma. And honestly, I don’t have any problem doing that. All I want is some peace to do my work. But you, Darsh! You don’t even try to understand that. You want attention like a kid. I can’t even go out, I am trapped in this prison with you. You want me to sit with you, drink coffee with you, but for what? To listen to all the judgments you would pass about everyone and how better you are from them? If you are so smart Darsh, why don’t you have a job now? You’ve been giving interviews on Skype for a month.” Her voice started breaking.
“You were not like this when I first met you.” Darsh managed to speak.
“AND I FUCKING LOATH THAT DAY! I LOATHE THE DAY WE MET DARSH AND THE FIRST THING I WANT AFTER THIS PANDEMIC ENDS IS A DIVORCE!” She screamed.
Her face had turned red as a tomato. Veins etched on her neck like roads on a map. She saw his glistening eyes in the golden light of early evening. He was standing in silence. Her lips trembled.
Suddenly Anukriti couldn’t control her own tears. She turned away and started sobbing. Her sobs turned into wails. She buried her head in her hands, when she finally stopped and turned around, Darsh was gone. Anxiety dawned up her face like a disease. She threw hair off her face and rushed to the lobby. Darsh was sitting still in the corner of the sofa. His eyes fixed to the balcony. She walked slowly to sit next to him.
“I am sorry.” She whispered.
Darsh didn’t say a word. Tears started falling off her eyes again. She murmured “sorry” again and kept her head in his lap. Both stayed motionless for a while. Anukriti finally stopped crying. Darsh didn’t mind his trouser getting wet from her tears. He took her hand into his. No one said anything. Everything became silent again. The clock ticked. Both listened.
The two black dots merged into each other.
