ADVICE

Stephen Harris

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The Southern Voice

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4 min read

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Jul 14, 2024

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In times past it was always considered wise to ask counsel from someone with gray hair. Grandma would tell you the truth and not care a whit about your feelings. And if you insisted on having a hurtful expression, she’d whack you about the ears for being a whiny baby. It has occurred to me the current generation no longer seeks worldly advice from the silver-haired crowd.

Of course, Better-Half, after leaning over my shoulder and reading the beginning of this story, commented very quickly that I’m bald.

“You don’t have those long silver locks which reek of wisdom.” Oh well, sometimes those closest to you have a hard time recognizing brilliance.

The first question I noticed in one of the new advice columns concerned an ungrateful nephew (21 years old) who hadn’t written a thank you note for a cash gift. The generous aunt was hurt and just couldn’t figure out what to do. After a thousand words of advice from this new manner’s guru, all of which said nothing, the aunt still didn’t have an answer.

My southern grandmother’s advice would have been quick and sure. “Don’t send the ungrateful little rascal any more gifts! And if he is so crass to ask why, be sure to tell him the truth. You don’t deserve one because you have the manners of a Billy goat.”

I’m sure this lady would be shocked at her reply and return with a few more questions, trying to find an excuse for her nephew’s boorish behavior. People generally do that when confronted with an answer they don’t like.

Sidebar: (One of my grandmother’s next-door neighbors came to her one night for advice. The local police signaled their teenage son to pull over for a traffic violation. Just beginning his stupid years, he decided to outrun the police. It didn’t work out as planned. Ole Junior called his parents to come bail him out. His parents asked my grandmother for advice.

“Should we go pay the fine and bring him home?”

“By all means, no!” she quickly suggested. “Go down there, take a picture of him behind bars, and frame it for your living room. Make sure any visiting guest can see it. If they don’t notice it, be sure to point it out!”

(They followed this wise woman’s advice.)

“Maybe the check got lost in the mail,” the aunt suggested.

“Nope, in the beginning, you stated the check had already cleared,” Granny said.

“I could be a little rash; he’s only had three months. He is a college student, you know.”

“I’m sure that’s it,” Granny would agree now answering with smarty pants ease, “It takes a good many days to purchase a thank you note, buy a stamp and address the envelope. My gosh, you should wait at least another six months!”

“That has to be it,” the aunt says, now relieved. “I’m just being oversensitive and rash.”

“You sure are,” Granny would reply sarcastically, “how selfish of you. Double the gift next year!”

The second question was a doozy and right in my wheelhouse to answer.

Some lady asked, “Should I encourage my daughter to elope?” Now, that’s a no-brainer if there ever was one. Not only should you encourage her to elope, but help in many other ways. Offer to get a nice rental car for the happy couple, buy plane tickets if necessary, and be on hand for anything they might need. Planning an escape is hard work.

“Need help packing…here honey, I’ll do it for you! I’ll get right on it. Then I’ll make you two a picnic lunch so you can save money on food. Also, your father’s ladder is in the garage. I’ll have him extend it to your window later today because it will feel much more romantic than walking out the back door. License, you say? Well, shucks, honey, let's run right on down to the courthouse and take care of that. No, you don’t need your purse. Daddy will be happy to take care of the expense! Sure, you can wear your grandmother’s diamond ring for the wedding. I know she’d be delighted if she were still alive!”

Now I know there’s many of you ladies who love the whole idea of large church weddings. And the joyful tears you’ll shed as the beautiful bride walks down the aisle. You can envision staring at the wedding pictures in the years to come and the wonderful memories they will bring back. Nope, sorry, that’s not the way it works. But don’t take my advice. This man has only paid for two of those joyful occasions. And I’m sure there’s a leftover bill from the caterers that is still outstanding.