FAILURE TO LAUNCH

Stephen Harris

·

Follow

Published in

The Southern Voice

·

3 min read

·

Aug 11, 2024

--

Listen

Share

Many years ago, there was a movie about a young man still living with his parents and their efforts to move him out. The lighthearted and entertaining story comes to a nice conclusion, and all ends well. The producers should have waited a few more years, and they could have made a Lifetime movie starring Mr. R…I left off his full name because I don’t want to get sued.

I’m sure most of you have heard the story of his parents having to sue to get their offspring out of the house. This southern man thought back to the day when he himself received a message from the old Marine that it was time to leave.

Daddy wasn’t one for subtle hints, so he chose the direct approach without having to say a word. But when you come home from your high school graduation ceremony and find your clothes on the front porch, it causes a moment of wonder. The locks being changed on the doors and not having a new key takes away all doubt. It’s time to move on.

Of course, Mr. R… made the media rounds trying to justify being a thirty-year-old male still living off his parents. I’ve been accused many times of sitting in judgment of others. That generally gets slung about when I tell the truth. So onward I go.

I’d say Mr. R… probably spends too much time in his room plying the effects of Puff the Magic Dragon. A haircut and shaving his unkept, scraggly beard would go a long way toward finding a job. But wait! He informed the court he couldn’t work and be an excellent father, too. That’s why he’s not a C.E.O. of a company.

What was revealed later kind of threw cold water on the excellent father part. It’s hard to be a good parent when you’ve lost your visitation rights. Maybe he sits in his room reviewing video games for content so he can give the kid advice, like how to score higher. Or it could be he’s waiting on that magical call from a company making him C.E.O. of SLACKER INC.

His office can be decorated in his bedroom theme. Smurf curtains and a Scooby-Do nightlight and heck, a lava lamp too.

Okay, folks, we can all guess how this is going to turn out. If some lady doesn’t take him in and try to change him, he’ll become a ward of the state. His parents will finally help find him Section 8 housing, food stamps, and welfare. We, the taxpayers, will end up with the tab, and he’ll complain for all his born days that the man is out to get him.

I say we do a fundraiser and award this overgrown child a free vasectomy. It’s the least we can do. I’m in for 25 bucks, anyone else?