NEW AGE TRENDS

Sometimes when this man awakens from slumber, he’s grateful for the years flown by. One could complain about getting old, the creaking bones, snapping knees and the dimming of eyesight but there are many other advantages. As last year played out, I determined this new generation of men have lost their minds.

In the old days, we guys sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward and chain-smoked while our children were being born. Yes, there were ashtrays, and no one screamed, NO SMOKING ALLOWED!

Later in the night, a nurse would arrive, and we fathers would hold our new offspring for a minute. We’d brag at the top of our lungs and then start handing out cigars. That was the extent, other than our initial involvement, of our participation in the process.

Then, some young idiot decided he needed to be in the delivery room. Decided or was just nagged into it…we will never know. That started a trend where men went to every doctor’s appointment and took Lamaze classes with their wives. All this accomplished was introducing a boatload of fathers to the art of fainting and whacking their heads against a hard floor. And if they didn’t pass out, they were a prime target of their wife’s wrath for causing the agony of childbirth pains.

Just when this Southern man thought the new generation had reached the end of silliness, I found stupid never stops marching forward. Anytime I see an invitation in the mail, it sends shivers up my spine.

“What the heck is this?” I asked Better Half.

“Oh goody, I’ve been waiting on that,” she replied, smiling much too brightly. “My niece said it would arrive soon.” Dang, I could feel my bank account being drained. Stuff such as this always costs me money.

“She and her husband have decided it is time to start a family. So, they’re having an announcement party.”

“Huh?”

“It’s so sweet,” she gushed. “When you make the decision to get pregnant, you invite all your close friends and family over for a party. And then reveal your intentions!”

“That’s the dumbest dang thing I’ve ever heard! All you must do to broadcast that news is tell one woman close to you. Include the phrase, ‘don’t tell anyone.’ The whole county will be alerted before sundown.”

“You take the joy out of everything,” Better Half muttered. “All civilized people enjoy such things.”

“Oh no, what is this?” I asked Better Half a few months later. There was another invitation lying on the table.

“Well, she’s pregnant, and they’re announcing it next week at their party.”

“As I said before, just tell one…”

“You know,” she lectured, “everyone but you enjoyed last time.”

“Nope,” I replied. I was the only man smart enough to bring a flask of scotch, and I shared it with the other guys.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Yes, and Bed Bath and Beyond isn’t hell on earth for straight men either,” I replied.”

“It can’t be another invitation,” I said several months later.

“It’s for the revealing party,” Better Half gleefully announced.

“I thought they’d already told everyone she’s expecting a child!”

“This is a party where you announce the gender of the baby. Isn’t it exciting!” She exclaimed. “There’s going to be fireworks…food and a wonderful celebration.”

“Heck, are they going to film the childbirth and then invite us all over to watch the replay?”

“Shame on you!” she scolded. “You’re just becoming a grouchy old man!”

“Lord help,” I thought. “Next thing you know, the modern-day husbands will start asking for maternity leave. No, wait…they already are!”