THOUGHTS OF A SOUTHERN MAN

1. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” unless you have a 12-gauge shotgun loaded with birdshot.

2. “The love of money is the root of all evil,” but if I had Bill Gates cash I wouldn’t care if taters got as high as you can throw them, or syrup costs a dollar a sop.

3. “Birds of a feather flock together” was written about our Congress.

4. “He who laughs last, laughs longest” means you were the last person to understand the joke.

5. “A penny saved is a penny earned,” only returns one half a cent. The I.R.S. gets the rest.

6. Be gracious in defeat but plot to get even.

7. As you get older, you acquire more skills. You can fall not only down the stairs but also up them.

8. Kind words conquer, but a sword is much quicker.

9. “Less is more” doesn’t apply when eating a four-layer chocolate cake.

10. “Silence is golden,” unless you are a pilot on a ten-mile final.

11. Whoever wrote, “silence is the hardest argument to refute,” must have been a single guy.

12. “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” But Jack’s wife spends the overtime money on new furniture and that makes her forget Jack’s dullness.

13. “If you want something done right, do it yourself” doesn’t apply to household repairs.

14. “Make hay while the sun shines,” or you can just lay in the shade and wish it were done.

15. “Never put off until tomorrow what can be done today.” Unless it’s painting…that can wait months and even years.

16. “No gain without pain.” I think this is a quote by Ben Franklin; undoubtedly, he never exercised to try to lose weight.

17. “The sky is the limit,” unless you are a short man looking up at a tall pine tree that’s leaning over your house.

18. “A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do” does not apply during baseball season. But a woman’s got to do what a woman’s got to do applies to shopping year-round.

19. “Don’t be led around by the nose.” Also written by a guy who has never been married.

20. “Keep your chin up.” Impossible to do when trying to tie shoes over a large belly.

21. If making mistakes means you’re learning faster, I should be the smartest man in the world.

22. Whoever said, “Don’t try to reinvent the wheel,” never saw our government in action.

23. “Give credit where credit is due,” unless it’s a drunken brother-in-law heading to Vegas.

24. “What you cannot avoid, welcome.” This doesn’t apply to in-laws visiting over Christmas.

25. Whoever said, “the more, the merrier,” never had to clean up after grandchildren.

26. Whoever wrote, “Bloom where you are planted,” never drove to work in Atlanta.

27. “Every man has his price” just begs for someone to bribe him. So why shouldn’t I be tempted with large sums of untraceable cash?

28. “The bigger they are, the harder they fall” doesn’t apply to the schoolyard if you’re a little bitty fellow.

29. In years past, liars needed good memories, but in today’s world, we can video the rascals.

30. For the last one I’ll borrow from the great George Carlin. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” I’m thinking of Congress again.