Waiting for the full stop
With anxiety, it feels like there’s no full stop. It’s always there in the background, like a rumble in pit of your stomach or a constant pitchy note right in your forehead.
It’s a bit like tinnitus in a way — always there, but you’re so used to it now that you can dull it on rare occasions. You manage it. Just.
I decided to write down every single anxious thought I had in the two hours I have between getting up and arriving at work. If I wrote down every thought in a single day, you’d be reading this for a long, long time.
It’s taken me a while to hit publish, but here we are. No censoring, no shame. And just like the anxiety I experience on a daily basis, no full stops.
Shit, I’m late
They’re going to be so mad
I’m going to get fired
I do this way too often
My skin is so bad
I hate how big my pores are — gross
If I got up early enough I’d have a proper routine, but no I can never stick to a proper one can I?
I look awful
“Love you, see you later”
I’ve left all the washing up for him again — I’m a terrible wife
What if I miss the bus? I’ll be even later
I didn’t see the cats this morning; I hope they’re ok
What if they get sick today and I didn’t see them?
“After you…”
I didn’t smile; they probably think I’m rude
Oh god there aren’t any seats and everyone’s staring
Urgh I feel sick — please don’t be sick on the bus
Ok, check Facebook
Got a message, but I won’t read it now because they’ll see I’ve seen it and think I’m rude for not replying
There’s literally no point writing this stuff down — no-one’s going to care
I bet it’s not even anxiety! You’re probably just really fucked up
Now read Twitter
I hope no one’s reading this over my shoulder
I’ll never write anything as good as this article
I really need to up my blogging game — I’m so behind
No-one actually wants to read your stuff though
But what about actually living? I can’t spend all my life on a laptop
I’m too boring to be a good blogger
I’m so bad at replying to emails
Forgotten to post that card again — bad friend
Maybe you should concentrate on your friends more
This bus is fucking taking forever and it’s going to make me so late again — argh Why didn’t I just get the hell up?
You’re so fucking lazy
This is why everyone else is doing so much better than you
Please don’t miss the next bus please don’t miss the next bus
There you go — missed the other bus because you were too busy being lazy
Try to not wear so much makeup and you might be on time for once?
10 minutes for the next bus
Did that person bump into me for a reason?
Where’s my work phone — fuck I’ve lost it
C’monnnn bus! What if there’s a 9am meeting and I don’t know about it?
Finally, the bus is here
It’s 9am — argh I’m going to be 15 minutes late again
What if they’re really mad and I get told off again?
Shit I didn’t write for the blog linkup
How am I ever going to make something of myself if all I do is fuck about on Twitter every evening?
You’re
so
useless
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