The Cube Chronicles
The cube life, or the 9-to-5 office grind in general, is essentially a legal and accepted form of torture (If they didn’t pay you $12.00 an hour it basically would be prison). Whether it be cold calling or plugging away at spreadsheets, it’s the only time in life where time seems to stand still. The cube gods practice some sort of dark magic where you can look at the clock at 2:52, think 20 mins have passed, look again and it’s 2:47. In Harry Potter (doubling down on the magic references), to cast a Patronus, you have to think of your happiest ever memory. For some it would be their wedding day. For others, maybe their first born, or a favorite team winning a championship. For the Cubers out there, it’s getting into your car at 5:02 PM on a Friday, blasting the radio, smiling and waving to your dickhead boss as you pull away, knowing that you don’t have to see him or that asshole building for 2 days.
Now I’ve worked 3 different “Cube” jobs in my life, and I’ve come to the conclusion they’re all kind of the same. The days are long, boring, and you often fantasize about the best way to off yourself.
While I don’t have a PhD in “Cubicleitis,” I do feel comfortable diagnosing all that comes with it. Here are my observations and advice for the Cube Life.
Go Out For Lunch
Never bring lunch. Unless you are absolutely strapped for cash, don’t you god damn do it. The Cube life is essentially finding ways to maximize distractions, so your life isn’t complete shit; 2 of those distractions coincide with lunch.
a. Somewhere between 9:03–9:54 AM — it depends on the collective BMI of the office — a coworker will speak up with an optimistic “What are you doing for lunch today?” Join in this conversation. This is your first 20–30 minute break of the day. My initial response when this question is raised? Throw it back on them with a “I don’t know, what are you thinking?”. Regardless of what they say, veto that shit. I don’t care if you make a fart noise with your hand, let out an audible sigh, or call your coworker a Muppet, you can’t agree to the first location. Two or more people concurring on a location ends the debate, and it’s back to looking at spreadsheets and actively trying not to think about what it would be like to be the starting SS for the New York Mets (I’d be a 2 hitter, good contact, decent pop, less than ideal speed and an absolute nightmare in the field). When it comes back to you again for a suggestion, don’t be afraid to throw out a wild card location; sometimes an eccentric request can spark other debates. This will all be for show, as all cubiclets know, you will end up going to the same place you always do. It’s usually the place your coworker first suggested, which you originally greeted with a fart noise. You live and die with hope here; you long for a food adventure but reality sets in and you stick to what you know. And for you lunch bringers, this time usually is no fun for you, because you don’t have much to add and it only makes you hungry.
(Editor’s note: One time a coworker suggested a Chinese buffet and it was shockingly agreed upon. Much like all Chinese buffet experiences, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but very much ended up being a mistake. The 4 of us speeding back to the office to race for 1 bathroom certainly did not help. Productivity, and breathable oxygen, was at an all time low that fateful afternoon.)
b. Your lunch break is the best part of your day. Whenever your lunch break is, getting out of the office is what I can only assume getting out of jail after serving 5–10 years feels like. Go out, drive around, take the long way to your destination. Milk every god damn second of that simple bliss. This is also another reason why you NEVER bring your lunch. You are stuck at the office, waiting for everyone to get back with an array of tasty treats, and all you have is a soggy fucking bologna sandwich.
Embrace Debate
Now this varies office to office, but I would say on average there are between 1–3 pointless, ridiculous, debates daily. I don’t care if you’re about to close the biggest sale the company has ever had, hang up the phone because you don’t want to miss these. The topics always vary, but almost always have no value. Some of these questions are seen on the internet and debated, while some occur organically. My only advice is don’t be the office “Brett”, where they come to you knowing you’re going to have an all time dumb take. Be the “locker room” guy that drives the debates of the office. Here are some of my favorites over the years.
- How many chicken nuggets can you eat in one sitting? Be careful here: you made be held to your answer. I said 60, and was dared to do it by my CEO. I accepted the challenge on the condition he let me go home after. After I had downed 54.5 cold, stale nuggets, I felt like the nuggets were coming up more than they were going down. Not wanting to be known as the puke guy at the office, I tapped out. I have a feeling that me not being able to finish, and me no longer being with that company, are very much correlated.
- If you were on death row, what would your last meal be? Endless possibilities abound. With this topic the floor is open, encouraging everyone to mention what they love to eat. The most common answer I’ve heard is “some kind of steak”. If you hear that, call them out; we need specifics ya dingus. How are we supposed to maximize distraction time when you come at us with that vague bullshit? Personally, I’m a simple man: a Caniac combo (double toast, sub the slaw) from Raisin’ Canes is the move (they really need to get those in the northeast). Feel free to put monetary or singular location restrictions on this debate.
- What animal bigger than you do you think you could beat up? I love this one. Mostly because you find out how dumb your coworkers are. Answers are all over the map. I’ve heard Ostrich, Koala Bear, Horse, Cow, Goose (I can understand someone not knowing they are bigger than a Koala Bear but a Goose? Credit to them though, Geese are lowkey the scariest pound for pound animal on the planet). These are all dumb for different reasons, but it’s what makes for a great question. The correct answer is a deer. Are they wild cards? For sure. But they also try to kill themselves daily, throwing themselves in front of cars, so I wouldn’t be shocked if a deer let me throw a few hay-makers at it hoping to end its tick ridden life.
- How many 10 year olds wearing baseball helmets do you think you could beat up with a metal bat? The range of numbers I’ve heard on this one could not be wider. I’ve heard as low as 10 and as much as infinity. Infinity is one of the all time lowest self awareness answers I’ve ever heard. For me the real variable is the helmet. Kids with helmets I’m going with 50 max. At some point in this fight, the kids are going to catch onto the rhythm of your bat defense, and your swing arc will be breached, and it’s going to be hard to get clean bat to head connections on these kids domes. If they aren’t clean shots, they won’t even feel it. Also, your arms are going tire at around 30–35, and the last 10–15 I’ll switch to a pool stick method, just poking the kids in the eye with the end of the bat. Knobbing them to death. Without helmets, it’s maybe 500? All those kids are either dead or paralyzed even with the faintest of contact.
- What would you do if you won the lottery? One of my favorite embrace debate questions, and definitely the most universal. Every year our nation gets lotto fever and debates break out in office around the country with the age old question “what would you do if you won the lottery?”. The answers vary, but usually start the same way: I’d quit my job and I’d travel. For me, I’m still going to work the next day, because if I won the lottery I would assume it was a prank my friends thought of or Ashton Kutcher decided he wanted to be an asshole again and brought Punk’d back. I would wait 48 hours before I started to truly believe it. After the 48 hours? I’m doing everything that kid from the 1994 blockbuster movie (9% on Rotten Tomatoes) “Blank Check” did. Just trampolines, laser tag, and go carts, and endless junk food. And while we are on the subject of Blank Check, what a fucked up movie that was looking back. A 12 year old boy was necking with a 30 year old woman and no one batted an eye? I don’t know how that’s not talked about more.
There are hundreds of these, and maybe one day later I’ll dive into some other favorites. But these are the times that make the cube life not all that bad.
Create Office Games
Shout out to The Office, and the OG Cube games maestro, Jim Halpert. Tall cuzzie got every employee to compete in the Office Olympics, and even gave out yogurt lids as medals for winning events like Flonkerton (The 1980 USA Hockey team, the 1969 Mets, and the Phyllis Flonkerton final, the biggest upsets in sports). The amount of effort Jim put into getting absolutely no work done is truly inspirational, and the stuff of legends. A unanimous first ballot cube Hall of Famer. Personally, I enjoyed being a solo games guy; my favorite was picking out a song before I went into work that day and seeing how many people I could get singing it by 5 PM (go with a random older song, then there’s no controversy where they heard the song from). My PR is 4 coworkers singing “Get Like Me” by David Banner in February of 2017. If you ever beat this, please @ me (@Schaeffspur).
Full Blown Shenanigans
2–4 PM are the longest 2 hours of each day. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but it’s scientifically proven (according to this study I just made up). Time during the post lunch window is basically the real life equivalent of “Whose Line is it Anyway?” It’s all made up and conventional wisdom doesn’t matter. If you can’t get a debate or game going after lunch, do whatever you have to get through it. Get a fake call from a family member, go get a coffee even if you don’t want one (I’ve consumed no less than 300 red bulls that I didn’t want just to get out of the office for 10 mins), make up a doctor’s appointment. Whatever it takes. There are no rules in love, war, and getting through that fucking 2–4 PM time slot.
Run Down The Clock
The 4–5 PM window is purely a run down the clock situation. Just take a couple knees and get the hell out of there. Sometimes a smaller debate breaks out, often it’s a bathroom trip or 2 even if you don’t have to go. Maybe fill up the water cup and “accidentally” spill it when you get back to your seat just so you have an excuse to go do it again. The end is near, we can taste it, just get to 5 by any means necessary.
Congrats, it’s 5 PM, you made it, your day is over. You’re out the door before anyone can try to give you a last minute mundane task. While it was only 8 hours according to those dumb ass clocks (I became woke on clocks once I started the cube life, they are total bullshit), you come to the conclusion you were at work no less than 17 hours. Fantastic! Now you have 16 hours before you have to be back, but somehow that will only feel like 2.
But hey, on the bright side, only 4 more days until that Friday 5:02 PM drive home which is literal peak human happiness.
You can read more from Schaeff here at The Spinchoon. You can also listen to his takes on The Spinchoon Sports Show. Follow us @Schaeffspur,@TheSpinchoon, & @SpinchoonSports on Twitter.
