What the heck is ‘Noshes with Nikki’?
Have you ever written a poem about a tomato that made your significant other question if you were cheating on them? Nikki has. Because when food tastes good, it’s poetry. Noshes with Nikki is a Slack channel devoted to candid thoughts and reactions to culinary’s masterpieces.
Passionfruit baked donuts with flower garnish
As the punch-drunk (and actually drunk) newlyweds gently stumble into to their honeymoon suite, they see the token trail of tropical petals leading to the bed. They saunter towards the California king, suddenly noticing an arrangement of passionfruit baked donuts — an utter contrast to the usual smattering of deep red rose petals across the bedspread.
“I kind of wish this was my wedding ring,” she mumbles into his ear, putting the donut on her ring finger.
“Who says it can’t be? Diamonds are forever, but so is a donut on the thighs,” he quips.
“Hmm,” she wonders aloud, “I think this would be worth it,” starting in on her first bite.
He couldn’t agree more, and shoves a donut in his mouth.
Apple rings
“Have you ever eaten a hug?”
“…uh, no…?”
“Well it’s like that.”
Flax seed tortilla chips
Flax seeds are culinary glitter. They should be sprinkled on everything, and when they are, it’s magical. Just make sure you don’t spill them.
Gazpacho
Despite the endless trees lining Barcelona’s many ramblas, the heat had still found a way to slither in, right down to the asphalt. They’d begun to bicker about everything (which is to say they bickered about nothing); they knew was time to eat something. They stopped in front of every menu displayed along the rambla, but she kept shaking her head no. “Entonces, ¿qué te apetece!” he half-shouted. She confessed she had said no because none of the menus offered gazpacho and didn’t have good views. “Why didn’t you just say you wanted that from the start?” “Because I thought it was touristy…”
They found a restaurant with the “best” gazpacho in the city, offering an amazing view of the sea, Sagrada Familia, and more tree-lined avenues. The soup arrived, and they looked up at one another, smirking at the sound of their first slurps. Suddenly she realized the best view in the city had been right in front of her the whole time.
Kiwi grapes
She didn’t feel like going to the party anymore, so she ended up playing her favorite game — perusing the annals of humanity by way of random Wikipedia article searching. She landed on Actinidia arguta, a hardy “arctic kiwi” capable of growing even in Siberia. “Interesting,” she mused, then clicked on to the next article.
It was years later when she finally ate one (unexpectedly).
As the tiny seeds and green mush swirled around her tongue, she realized she’d wasted so much time not trusting herself. If this tiny fruit could flourish in even the coldest of conditions (and be green and squishy inside), then maybe there was something to being a small chunk of delightful and tenacious squishiness, capable of astonishing feats.
This notion became the music of any living thing.
Steamed broccoli
“Good steamed broccoli is like a good handshake: firm, but reasonably yielding; ideally bright green, but then again, that’s why they stopped letting me weigh in on interview candidates…amongst other things.”
— Jolly Green Giant Man in 2002 press conference about resigning as CEO.
Yogurt raisins
Yogurt raisins are the only good thing to happen to raisins since…they were a grape.
Trail mix
The trail mix was so robust and complex, you’d probably benefit more from going hiking in it versus eating it while hiking.
Kimchi
I would unearth the entire Korean peninsula to discover another kimchi like hers, eat it, and then rebury myself with it, and in doing so, die happily.
Curry tofu
I invited my friend to go out to dinner. It happened to be Indian food (because I always want Indian food); he happens to be Indian-American. He spent the entire dinner talking about how none of the food tasted authentic, and went on to explain the way it tasted, how it was prepared, times of the year when certain dishes are eaten…I was mortified that my selection had been so poorly received and never recommended any other Indian restaurants so as to not disappoint him. But after a year or so of going out to eat with him at anything but Indian restaurants, I realized I’d missed out on an entire year of him telling me about his family, culture, and life.
Citrus collard greens
It’s one thing to eat food; it’s entirely another to make food a part of who you are.
Greek yogurt
I always said I never wanted to get married. But now I’m considering planning a big, fat Greek wedding: me + a vat of this yogurt.
Chili cauliflower
Zombie rehab, day 12: Surprisingly, a head of cauliflower has 11g of protein. A human head has more than that, but they told me I can’t eat those anymore.
Crostini
“What was your favorite part of dinner?”
My god she thought, I can’t tell her that my favorite part of the meal was the bread. She’ll think I’m unrefined.
“The cioppino was exquisite…” she mustered, using her fake, luxurious-sounding voice.
“Really? Everyone else raves about the bread, which is why I wanted to take you here.”
“You took me to a restaurant specifically for the bread?”
“I’m sorry…You always joke how much you like bread, I thoug — ”
“I don’t like bread.”
“I realize that no — ”
“I love bread.” And I love you too she mumbled dreamily to herself.
“What?”
“I love…butter too,” she blurted out, reaching for the butter knife, shoving another piece into her mouth.
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