Guide to Your Relationship
Have you ever been in a situation with your partner and thought, Huh. It’s a good thing I don’t have a knife or a blunt object because otherwise this person would be dead? Have no fear! You are not alone. Here are some tips for surviving your relationship.
Realize that the other person’s feelings are stupid but you still have to listen to them. The goal is to see where the other person is coming from — also known as empathy or not being a dick — without laughing, punching something, or screaming until you’re hoarse. If you can’t do that, you can’t be in a relationship, and you will fail and return to being single, which, you know, may not be the worst thing in the world.
Remember that logic is forbidden in the land of emotion. This is not the place for direct, conclusive action directed at solving a problem. This is a place to shut up and nod and to say such things like, “I understand why you would feel that way” and not like “I hate how emotional you’re being.”
When you ask a question and the answer is silence, you have truly fucked up. At this point, it’s better to start apologizing for everything you have done, might have done, or potentially could do in the future. Hope that something, anything, will stick. It’s like when a nuclear reactor is melting down and you have ten seconds to punch as many buttons as you can before the whole thing explodes. With any luck, you’ll hit the one that makes everything go back to normal, and if you don’t, well, you die.
Be open about your emotions but not in a way that makes it seem like the other person is the cause of the problem, even though they are. Why did this issue come up? Your answer is that your partner is being unrealistic, stubborn, and is totally overreacting. But you shouldn’t say that. You can, but it’s bad.
Instead, learn how to translate what you want to say into something less abrasive and mean. For example, you want to say, “You fucked this up, and I have many reasons to murder you that would hold up in court.” You can ……….
translate that to, “In my experience, I feel like you don’t listen to me, and I have a hard time getting through to you. This is frustrating because I feel like I’m not being listened to or respected.”
Don’t be super passive aggressive. The opposite of direct communication that can be interpreted one way is indirect communication that can be interpreted any number of ways. Instead of saying what you mean, you say what you don’t mean in a way that hints to what you actually mean. Not only is this confusing but it will piss off everyone involved, especially when your partner is incapable of reading into things.
Deal with your own shit. You don’t like talking about emotions because they’re messy, and you were never taught how to process them, so when they come up, you get real quiet, and then you go home and punch holes in your wall or sob until you can’t breathe. And maybe this isn’t the best way to deal with your issues — if only because you have to repair drywall and that never comes out looking right.
Go to counseling. They’re a knowledgeable friend that you pay to be your friend, and they will never reveal your secrets, because if they do, you can sue them.
Realize that for the relationship to be healthy, it will require talking — and probably more talking than you think is necessary. Oh, communication. It’s the only way for issues to be resolved and yet it takes time — in fact, more time than you want to spend on anything ever. Accept that this is work to keep your relationship healthy, like getting rid of thistles in the garden or mitigating mold after your water heater leaks everywhere.
If it feels good, righteous, and justified to say, don’t even think about saying it. When the perfect combination of words comes to your head that will make you feel great by making the other person feel terrible, this is VERY BAD. Like children, hurtful words are easy to make and hard to get rid of.
