Missing Pandemic Times
Missing pandemic times? You’re not alone. COVID is like your ex that was abusive, controlling, and emotionally unstable — but you can’t help but miss some things about them. And that’s okay. We know you wouldn’t go back, unless your current life really sucks. Here are some things you may miss.
The calming feeling of a mask on your face. A good mask is like how a romantic partner should be. It warms you in the winter and soothes you when you’re feeling anxious and the world seems so wild and unknown. Behind a mask, you are safe. Behind a mask, you are invincible — unless you have glasses, in which case, you’re screwed.
Using “this whole COVID thing” as an excuse. Your taxes were due, but with this whole COVID thing, they’re going to be five months late. The rent should have been paid, but with this whole COVID thing, it wasn’t. You had the best intentions to floss, but with this whole COVID thing, that sure didn’t happen.
Having an excuse for not remembering someone’s name. “Oh, I couldn’t see who you were because of the mask,” you say to the person you’ve known for at least six months. This excuse is especially useful when the person is a different race and you confuse them with another person of the same race.
This situation isn’t embarrassing when it’s a white girl named Jessica because you’re like, Well, you look like every other white chick out there, and that’s really your fault for not having a personality. But you cannot say that to a minority.
Feeling justified in your lack of life direction. When your life was going nowhere, you could still be thankful you have a job. Or if you didn’t have a job, you had a great excuse to be unemployed. And the freedom from the pressure to figure it all out almost made the death of millions of people worth it.
Having something to complain about that everyone can relate to. Conversation is hard, but even the most inept could survive by reminiscing about the good old days a year ago. But without COVID, good luck finding a topic that doesn’t piss someone off.
Multitasking while you’re on a video-less Zoom call. You’re not not paying attention. It’s just that you’re also watching The Office and texting and clipping your toe nails and making breakfast. Maybe, you’re not paying attention as much as you should be, but whatever. It’s not like you paid attention in person either.
Not having to smile at people. You’re not a very nice person, but with a mask on, you didn’t have to pretend. You could look at people with your cold, soulless eyes, and no one would know that you no longer felt emotion.
Not going to the gym. Instead of not going to the gym because exercise will make you feel like you’re dying, you weren’t going to the gym because it was closed or you had to wear a mask. You didn’t have to feel guilty about not doing the things you were never going to do in the first place, which is pretty much the goal of life.
Justifying your obsessive tendencies as an act that’s saving the world. In ordinary times, people would look at you strangely for wiping down a table with bleach four times. But during a pandemic, four is barely enough. In fact, to be truly safe, it would be better to douse the table in gasoline, light it on fire, and replace it with a new one.
Farting without consequences. You knew that lentil soup for lunch was a mistake. But you went for it, and wow, you weren’t wrong. Like, holy Jesus. In normal times, you would have to take the day off from work and avoid society while you endured the gas chamber of your making. But in pandemic times, who cares? No one can smell you with their masks on.
Realizing what is truly important in life. With everyone shoved in the same house and you having the time and the will to talk to your friends and family, you realized that, Hey, maybe my day-to-day existence isn’t the most well-rounded or fulfilling. But that epiphany sure didn’t last when things went back to normal.
