The Squid Weekly
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The Squid Weekly

Welcome to Your Non-GMO, Organic, Gluten-Free, Pesticide-Free, Sensitive, Free-Range Grocery

Welcome to the Whole Nuts Health Food Store, where our products are made by people you classify as “grunge,” “granola,” and “homeless.” If you saw them on the street, you might confuse them with a monkey or a yak, what with their seeds and salads and lanky, hairy arms.

You come to Whole Nuts because we place the environment above everything else. If given the choice to run over our mother or an endangered animal, we put our feelings to the side and sacrifice our mother. It’s simply a question of methane emissions. Everything is a question of methane emissions.

It’s either people living on the fringe making our merchandise or entrepreneurs from Portland, who are passionate about quinoa and barley and energy efficient windows and bicycles and smooth poops, and they want you to be passionate about them as well.

Mention “sustainable farming” to these surprisingly well-dressed go-getters and their head will sizzle from excitement, as if their brain is a faulty power strip that is about to catch on fire. Their determination and purpose is impressive and a little nauseating.

We have many natural products — products that are useful, products that aren’t useful, products that are useful but it’s hard to explain how. Our shelves are packed with things like Beet Cleaner, Essence of Carrot Root, Yawp: The Plant-Friendly Carpet Liquefier, Slavering Suds: The Detergent Guaranteed to Cure Rabies, and Sad Moo Cow: The Udder Cream for Depressed Bovine.

The ingredients are biodegradable, non-toxic, earth-loving and smell like wet dog. You will never again wonder at the possibilities of soybean. Our laundry detergent is made from soybean. Our cleaning product is made from soybean. Our tofu is made from soybean. Our dog food is soybean. Our donuts are soybean. Our soybeans are soybean. In fact, everything in our store is edible, including the walls and floor, because it’s all soybean. Except our employees. Do not try to eat our employees. We will call the police.

Besides soybean-based products, we also have fifteen ……

thousand brands of Greek yogurt. From Chobani to Fage to White Goop, you might wonder what Greek people do besides making yogurt.

In order to further integrate the environment into our store, we also hire endangered orangutans. Can they bag your peaches without bruising them? No. Do they handle customer complaints well? No. Can we guarantee they won’t pee on you? No.

But are they photogenic? Yes. It’s an orangutan. They’re the closest thing to a Wookie our world provides, and they love to hug… and occasionally strangle — but mostly hug. And no, we are not trafficking animals to lower our overhead costs.

And supplements! Our store is three-quarters supplements from dragon heart to cinnamon pills to a mason jar full of fresh air. Why eat food when you can take pills? Why? Why? WHY? We sure as hell don’t know. Some supplements help. Some don’t do anything. Some make you grow horns and so change your brain chemistry that you want to trample everyone who disagrees with you. All of them are expensive.

While you are perusing the limitless options, cruise by our bulk food section. Here you can scoop things into bags and think, Wow, I am scooping things into a bag. Sometimes you can even pull levers to release dry goods. Levers! It’s like you’re operating a submarine. Down periscope! Rig the diving planes to ten-degree down angle! Flood torpedo tubes and release hell on that destroyer! AHHH! We’ve been hit! FSSHHHHHAAAA. The water, she’s coming in captain. WE’RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT, DIMITRI. Blub, blub, blub…

At Whole Nuts, you can even bring your dog, cat, pig, horse, rat, and any other animal you can domesticate and add to the Old McDonald rhyme. Then, you can let them off their leash to wander around unattended.

And that’s the message we want to get through. Animals are the best. People are okay. And climate change and environmental degradation don’t stand a chance with how much you spend on organic food and how many reusable grocery bags you forget in your car.

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