Your Recap of 2020’s Misery
Hello and welcome to your recap of 2020, the year where you found out how low your neighbor could go and how precious a clean ass truly is. And it is precious. So precious.
January. Fires in Australia. Many koalas lose their lives. Everyone surprised koalas have lasted this long considering their lifestyle choices. Fires localized in Southern Hemisphere, so few people care. It’s like, Okay, a bunch of hypothetical animals are dying thousands of miles away, and that’s sad… but we’re fine.
Late January, early February. COVID in China. People skeptical about “coronavirus,” “Ebola 2.0,” or the “totally unimportant, media-hype virus.” Viewed as a Chinese disease that doesn’t know how to cross an ocean. People shocked but also impressed with how well an authoritarian government quashes personal liberties to resolve a crisis.
February. COVID in Italy. Lots of people dying. Italians stop the small amount of work they were doing. Virus now viewed as a real threat. Hear horror stories from your friend at work who thinks the same thing will happen in the US. Think he’s overreacting and tell him the US is vastly different from Europe in ways he cannot comprehend.
March. COVID in the US. Virus spreads in the United States. Apologize to friend at work for calling him an “anxiety-ridden fear monger with no penis.” Start believing everything co-worker says and consider his advice to buy a large, intimidating firearm to protect self when Trump seizes power and creates fascist military dictatorship.
Also March. Panic. People demonstrate they have no faith in their fellow American by hoarding mass quantities of canned food, hand sanitizer, and toilet paper. World takes part in revitalization of words last used during the Spanish Flu of 1918. Mask-wearing becomes new and uncomfortable trend. Shaking hands is seen as an offensive gesture or a sign of solidarity, depending on your political party.
Early April. Stay-At-Home Order Enacted. Divorces rise, as people forced to remember who they married. Students taken out of school, and everyone pretends they finished their grade. Netflix becomes the only thing ………..
holding people together emotionally. Private tiger ownership becomes national phenomenon.
Mid-April. Economy F-u-c-k-e-d. Government makes up a bunch of money and sends out stimulus checks. People feel what it’s like to be on the government dole: a little wrong but also oh so good.
Late April. Stay-At-Home Order Lifted in Colorado. People flee their homes only to find that any place worth going is still closed. People reluctantly slink back to homes with take-away coffee and sip it out of a miserable compostable cup.
Late May. George Floyd Killed. Things get real tricky when talking to anyone about anything. Riots transform downtowns from abandoned to abandoned and destroyed. Some see Black Lives Matter as a cover for an everything-must-go, clear-out sale for every store everywhere and help themselves to a new Xbox in the name of social justice.
June/July. Re-opening. Restaurants, coffee shops, and bars begin offering limited seating along with in-depth seminars on the procedures, policies, traffic patterns, and social etiquette required to eat at their restaurant.
August. Virtual School. Children forced to be on their computer but in an educational, not-fun way. Parents forced to supervise children in an educational, not-fun way while also working from home. Teachers embrace despair.
August/September/October. So Many Stupid Wildfires. Remember January when no one cared about Australia? Well, now wildfires matter, as they are affecting not only koalas but real, live Americans. California and Colorado’s living trees become really, really dead trees.
November. Election. No one changes their mind about anything and votes the way they would have voted a year ago. Biden wins. If you are a liberal, you liquify in relief.
Also November. Another Lockdown. People get real pissy and simply stop caring. Restaurants create outdoor seating areas exactly like indoor seating areas. Thanksgiving is canceled. Santa suspected to have COVID. People close off chimneys and refuse to put out cookies.
December. News of a Vaccine. Hope is kindled.
