4/23/17
Being a mixed race Stanford student isn’t something that will differentiate you very much. You’re basically a dime a dozen, far from special. Even if you’re reading this and didn’t go to Stanford, you’ve probably seen the crowd at our football games. AKA the United Nations with poorly applied face paint. That being said, James and I (Stephen) are allowed to be proud of the fact that we are two of Stanford’s top 25 mulattos of the past 25 years. We’re not on Tiger Woods’ level, but we’re close. And guess what? We’ve teamed up.
Fan of sports? Then you might be familiar with what standings are. Not a fan of sports? Fuck you. I mean, just kidding, especially since you are reading this right now; we love you… but get to the bottom because it counts as a read if you do. Essentially, standings are the rankings of different athletes or teams, typically with W(wins) — L(losses) as the format. We’re going to take this common format and extrapolate beyond sports into real life. This is basically the exact opposite of fake news.
We’ll be keeping track of the W’s and L’s and will (try to) update this thing weekly. So stay tuned. So, now that you’re vaguely aware of what we’re trying to do, let’s begin:
North Korea: W
Alright, I know what you’re thinking. North Korea’s recent missile test failed miserably again and Kim Jong Un got more memes made about him. But be honest with me — weren’t you for the first time EVER, like, mildly, mildly worried about North Korea? Like at all? Like just a little bit. I was. For like 10 seconds I was like “shit, North Korea is kind of starting to turn up a little bit.” So for me, relative to being 100% laughingstock, North Korea elevating itself to 99.9% laughingstock/0.1% scary constitutes a W for me.
ISIS: L
Trump dropped the Mother Of All Bombs on ISIS last week. That’s legitimately what it was called. I don’t really know how many ISIS people died but I bet it was a lot, and the ones that didn’t die probably look like Woody from Toy Story 2 when his arm got ripped off. Given that ISIS dudes are also extreme, shameless misogynists, the fact that the bomb was female probably stung extra hard. So between the dying, the dismemberment, and the irony, we’re gonna have to give ISIS a big, big L.
Michael Jordan: W
You might be thinking, “wait why the hell is Michael Jordan on this list? He doesn’t do anything anymore besides cash checks”. Well, like all things in life, there’s a reason: Michael Jordan crying face meme is dead. Yep, you heard that right. Anybody who uses the Michael Jordan crying face meme in the future will be 100% opening themselves up to getting flamed and might even get kicked off the internet. The meme was hilarious in its hayday, but it’s SO over. Michael Jordan, thanks for being a good sport. We’re happy for you. Now get back to gambling away all your shoe-money.
Derrick Rose: L
Where do I begin with this fucking guy? I used to love this man. He went to Memphis during the Calipari era, he was a freak athlete, he seemed like a nice guy, and he previously wasn’t accused of sex crimes. None of that is true anymore, and he got injured AGAIN, so he gets a quick and easy L here. Sorry Derrick. I love you, still, bro. But it’s getting harder and harder…
Aaron Hernandez: W
Pretty eventful week for Aaron. The former Patriot tight end picked up a rare W when he was acquitted of a double murder last Friday. The allegation was that in 2012 someone spilled a drink on Hernandez in da club, so he responded in a totally measured and reasonable manner: murdering both the drink spiller and the dude standing next to him in a drive-by shooting. #ClassicAaron move, right?
Wrong, apparently. In a surprising turn of events, the legal system was like, “nah he ain’t do that shit” chalking up the W for Aaron and keeping his life sentence count at 1. (Yeah, keep in mind he was already serving life for that other murder he did so literally nothing changed, but a W is a W in our eyes)
Aaron Hernandez: LL
Aaron couldn’t keep up the momentum of the above W and, just a few days later, caught the biggest possible L that there is IMO which is to kill yourself. Last Wednesday Aaron was found hanging in his cell via bedsheet noose with the bible verse “John 3:16” written on his forehead in blood. Which is interesting because the Bible is pretty clear that murdering people is not chill even in the least. Anyway, you can’t spell “HELL” without LL, so we’re gonna give him two ’cause that’s where that nigga’s headed.
Kid Rock: W
Kid Rock got to go to the White House. For some reason, I feel like he might have gone to the White House already, perhaps during the Bush era. I could do research to find out, but I don’t want my Google search history to have anything about Kid Rock on it in case I die and that’s the last thing people have to remember me by. I mean, imagine somebody finding me dead with my laptop open and a Kid Rock fan page as my last visit. Talk about embarrassing. Oh, yeah, back to Mr. Rock. As much as it pains me to give props to him, he deserves this W. I can’t lie, Sarah Palin is kind of a G for bringing the whitest of trash with her to visit Trump.
Mike Pence: L
Mike Pence went to South Korea and wore that damn jacket. The fake ass “I’m the Vice President making everybody feel safe again” bomber jacket. Mike Pence probably wore that jacket while practicing his speech and looking in the mirror, tears streaming down his face. He thought he was going to change the world with that jacket. He literally thought it was going to be one of those iconic moments forever ingrained in history. Bro, you’re Trump’s bitch. Chill and take this L.
Serena Williams’ fetus: W
Serena Williams won the Australian Open this year to claim her record 23rd major title. Oh, she also did so by beating her older sister in an all-Williams final. Oh and it is now also apparent that she did so while pregnant.
Yes, ‘what the fuck’ is right.
We’re not even going to waste time handing Serena the W or her opponents L’s — that’s getting old with Serena. The true winner here is the soon-to-be-human growing inside of her. This little mulatto is about to have the founder of Reddit for a dad and one of the GOAT athletes and cultural icons for a mom. You’re not allowed to be both good at the internet and good at sports, that shit ain’t fair for the rest of us. Expect this little boy/girl/other to pick up W’s of all shapes and sizes for many years to come.
Mike Pence’s Wife: L
Mike Pence getting mentioned on this list twice may seem ridiculous, but bear with me. Apparently, he won’t take dinners with women other than his wife and he refuses to drink alcohol at any kind of mixer that his wife isn’t at. He also calls his wife “Mother” on some absolute weirdo shit. This could honestly be Pence’s second L (after the jacket fiasco), but instead I’ll give this one to his wife. I don’t know her name and I don’t care.
Jeff Goldblum: W
If you had tried to predict the future when Jeff Goldblum was first an up-and-coming actor, I don’t think there are any circumstances where you would be able to forecast JG still being relevant in 2017. But he’s still out here killing it. The new Thor movie looks lit, and who does it feature? None other than #thatguy, Jeff Goldblum. I even met him at the Independence Day: Resurgence press junket and he was a sweet, sweet man. Very funny too. Jeff Goldblum, congratulations, you got yourself an opening day win.
Bill O’Reilly: L
This week’s final L goes to Bill O’Reilly following his orgasmically satisfying removal from Fox News. For years and years, crusty old white conservative dudes have been chirping about how godless, sinful, and perverted liberals are, all while being huge fucking creepers themselves. But we couldn’t really prove it. Until now!
The first domino fell when those tapes leaked of Billy Bush and our current president (lol) talking about literal sexual assault like giddy frat bros on a bus. This was a huge L for conservatives, but they somehow still managed to win the election a few weeks later. (still a damn mystery to me) Then came Roger Ailes, a.k.a. Rapey Jabba the Hutt, and the accusations of sexual harassment from multiple women that worked for him. Another L, but given that he worked mainly behind the scenes it didn’t blow up their spot too hard.
But Bill O’Reilly was the face of old-school, god-fearing, holier-than-thou conservative blowhards. Surely he couldn’t have been, say, I don’t know, sexually harassing women en masse and strategically paying them off to keep them quiet, could he? That would be too ironic, too perfect.
Oh, he could and he did. And now that bitch is fired. So Bill, congratulations, you get to hold this week’s final and juiciest L.
