5/7/16
Trump grabs his first W while Google catches an L. Lots to dig into, so let’s begin!
Donald Trump: W
Yep, you read that correctly. Donald Trump has put a W on the board for finally actually starting to kind of repeal and/or replace Obamacare. Yes, it’s only passed one house of Congress, and yes, a lot of Republicans embarrassed themselves by admitting they didn’t even read it, and yes the bill itself is totally fucked, but in fairness to Trump this thing looked totally dead a few weeks ago. But, now, like a Resident Evil zombie, it’s back alive, stumbling around, and will literally kill people if actually set loose. (At least according to Bernie Sanders, professional grump and catcher of L’s). So yeah, bad news for, like, society, but chalk up the W for the insecure, pussy-grabbing, man-baby, reality show host that’s on Twitter all the time.
People with Pre-existing conditions: L
Remember when Barry O was like “you should not be kept from healthcare if you have pre-existing conditions because that’s unethical and generally fucked up”? (paraphrased) Yeah, well Trump’s bringing that shit back. And one of the pre-existing conditions that insurers can discriminate against is acne. Yeah, bro, acne.
So if you are tryna get hooked with up with Trumpcare, don’t have acne. Or if you do, make sure your makeup situation is on point so they can’t tell. I bet Kylie Jenner has some tutorials on Youtube or something. Oh, also don’t be pregnant or have been pregnant. That’s another pre-existing condition. Oh also don’t have Myasthenia Gravis. I have absolutely no idea what that is, but if you have it, pretend like you don’t when applying. Otherwise, you’ll be forced to take the L. Good luck, y’all.
Diddy: W
A lot of people stunt at the Met Gala… that’s what it’s designed for. Rich and famous? Think you’re a lot better than literally everyone? The Met Gala is the perfect place for you. PLEASE show up wearing something ridiculous and prepare to transcend into full Illuminati mode. I’d say it would be great to be a fly on the wall of the Met Gala, but if a fly was found on one of those walls, one of the servants would be fired and/or executed within minutes.
The clear winner of the event was Diddy, who somehow made lounging on stairs look like something that’s A) incredibly comfortable B) not at all weird and C) something that you and I need to start doing more often. Diddy was really out here at the Met Gala living his best life. What a boss.
Google: L
Google Docs is crucial. PLEASE don’t get that twisted. It’s imperative that I get that point across before diving into this L. Everybody and their mom uses Google Docs. Whether you’re trying to get your money back after spotting your “homies” for the entirety of your trip to Vegas (pay up, niggas), or your company uses it, or you just are some kind of weirdo who is too cheap to get Microsoft Office, you’ve used the shit. But that being said, like half of the world seemingly, they got hacked by some Russians (I’m not even sure about this but, I mean, probably right).
The hackers were sending out some malware to some unsuspecting Google users. Aka anyone with the internet. Sergey and Larry aren’t even mad, though, because they literally make paper planes out of 100 dollar bills in their spare time. L for Google, but not for anyone who works there. Probably more of an L for Google Doc users. But fear not, you can keep making your shitty color-coordinated spreadsheets at your trash ass job. Don’t worry.
Jeff Bridges: W
You had a lot of star power at the Kentucky Derby this year with Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Larry David, Katie Couric, and Tracy Morgan in the building, but you’d be hard-pressed to find a celebrity who delivered a more profound impact than Jeff Bridges. He was clearly wasted, he delivered a brilliantly half-hearted promo interview for Kingsman 2, and the man also had random ass duties. They had him shout and shit before the jockeys came out. It all seemed unrehearsed and very organic. Everyone with a big ass hat and mint julep in their hand was here for it, though. Jeff was in full ‘The Dude’ mode and it was lit.
Mexico: L
As much as it pains me to hand an L to a country I love as much as Mexico, they need to take this one and go home happy to be at .500 (1–1). A mere week after Trump proposed a wall between Mexico and the US — that they’d have to pay for “at a later date”— the same people who have become enamored with racistly chanting “build that wall” celebrated Cinco de Problematico. Sombreros were out, fake mustaches were worn, and white girls were wasted this past Friday. This holiday might not be as problematic as Thanksgiving, but it’s easily neck and neck. Damn, sorry homies.
Ball family: W
Alright, so this was a tough one. So the Ball Family came out with a 495 dollar shoe. On one hand, the shoes look pretty shitty, cost 500 dollars, and have been getting flamed on Twitter almost as hard as Steph Curry’s white-guy-at-the-YMCA shoes did. But on the other hand, the Ball family continues to remain the most relevant family in basketball despite having collectively played zero NBA minutes. It’s insane.
Lavar Ball, the patriarch of the family, is a goddamn marketing genius. He’s the Donald Trump of basketball. He recently stated, as fact, that he could beat Michael Jordan 1 v 1, daring the internet to respond. It acquiesced, releasing a video of him playing rec ball and being total trash. But guess what, that video has half a million views! I would not be surprised if Lavar has cashed some sort of check for the views on that video. We’re being played and we don’t even care. And now he legit has a shoe. And I’ll probably end up buying those fucking shoes next time I’m drunk and on the internet. Smdh. Take the W, Lavar. We’ll talk later.
City of Boston: L
A few months ago, comedian Michael Che said that Boston “was the most racist city” he’d been to and, when pressed, stood by the comments. Boston was pissed. Naturally, the best thing Boston could do for the next few months was not have any high-profile racist incidents in an effort to prove him wrong. Right?
Problem is, it’s tough for racist people to not be racist. It’d be like asking a woodpecker not to peck wood. He’d be like “bro, I’m a woodpecker. That’s what I do,” and he’d turn around and peck some damn wood. So when the city of Boston was like “alright y’all, next time the Red Sox host a team with a black player, don’t yell the N word and throw shit at him,” a few hundred Red Sox fans were like “haha fuck that shit fam” and did exactly that, leading to formal apologies from the team, the mayor, and even the governor. Awkwardddd!
Being objectively racist in 2017 is an automatic L, so Boston see below for this week’s final prize. I even got a white guy to give it to you:
