6/6/17

We didn’t post last week. I know, wtf. That’s why our first L goes to:

Stephen Adamson and James Mwaura: L

We swore we’d post this stuff every week. Over and over again in our iMessage thread (which I’d name “Mullato Magic” if you could rename one-on-one threads) the one thing we stressed to each other was “we need to keep cranking this shit out. Every week bro. Every fucking week”. Then, for really no good reason, we didn’t post last week. We fucked up. I was gonna shout out ‘covfefe’ before CNN made it the most overplayed story on the internet/tv. I’d penned an L for Tiger Woods before the dashcam video even came out. And now, those stories are as stale as the other half of that pack of tortillas from when you did taco night and only ate like 3 tacos. Crazy how short the news cycle is nowadays, huh?

Anyway, we’ll hold the L for now but can promise you we’ll be in the W column soon enough.

Tiger Woods: L

Due to aforementioned staleness, I’d have deleted this one if it didn’t mean so much to me. But words cannot describe how much it pains me to hand out this L. Tiger Woods is my favorite athlete, period, and my fucking idol. He’s been my phone background many, many different times in my life, including right now. And if you think for a second that I didn’t spend the last few days playing mental gymnastics, trying to contort his DUI into a W (“Oh, no alcohol was involved”, “Oh, no one got hurt”, etc.) you’re damn wrong.

But, I mean, fuck. Just look at the mugshot.

This mugshot is Tiger’s biggest L to date. Worse than Elin smashing his escalade with a club, worse than the surgeries, worse than the chipping yips, worse than all of it. Why? Memes, dude. Fucking memes. Tiger Woods has now solidified his place in meme history. And I wont post any, I’ll let you find them yourself. OK I’ll post one.

Fuck this meme.

Are you happy? I’m not. You’ll be back Tig but hold the L for now.

PK Subban: W

If you’ve never read this blog before and you don’t understand what we consider to be hella on-brand, this is an absolutely scrumptious taste. There’s a black hockey player on the STANLEY CUP-reaching Nahsville Predators named PK Subban. We are throwing him one of the most enthusiastic Ws anyone has ever heard of or seen before… and for good reason. Due to said blackness, he’s quite clearly our favorite hockey player. Here’s proof:

James and I both have iPhones.

This is just too good. I didn’t realize that James had already claimed doing this post. This is Stephen, btw. Hi! And since I’ve already wasted a lot of space on PK, I won’t go any further with any rants about how black people would dominate hockey if they focused on it or other shit like that… instead, I’ll leave this beautiful photo of PK being PK…

“Yes, I play hockey. Yes, I get a fresh lineup bi-weekly. F*ck with the kid!” — PK Sabban

CNN: L

CNN get the L for having become, succinctly, total trash. Think about it this way. As soon as I heard about covfefe, I wrote up a W for the word Covfefe. Here’s a snippet:

Being born is arguably everyone’s first ever W. Thus, the word ‘covfefe’ took home a W by being borne from the womb that is the @RealDonaldTrump Twitter handle.

What words are even close to covfefe? Coffee? “Despite the negative press, coffee helps me start my day.” That could be a thing. Or chances are, he started a tweet, realized he had nothing insightful to say, put the phone in his pocket, and his soft, bulging thighs typed out that lovely word and even managed to tickle the ‘post’ button.

CNN wrote so much about covfefe that it makes me sick.

Now, I decided to cover this “story” because I’m a writer at a random ass blog no one reads. Said blog is meant to be light hearted, silly, and by no means the source of anyone’s news. CNN, on the other hand is supposed to be a source of truth for people in an uncertain and raucous news environment. So when Trump posts a clear typo/butt-dial-post, you’d think they’d be like “lol that happened, anyway, back to real news…”.

Instead, they beat the story into the fucking ground because they presumably have nothing better to talk about anymore. And in doing so, shat all over young mullato bloggers who prayed the story wouldn’t be #OldNews by the time they posted their article. So CNN, fuck you for not allowing me to express myself and also fuck you for not being news anymore. (Though shouts out to A-Coops, Don Lemon, and obviously my boy Wolf Blitzer. Y’all are still cool.)

Peter and Alice Livesey: W

I would be a dick if I didn’t throw a W to these two newlyweds. If you’re reading this and you don’t know who these two are, I truly don’t care. I’m writing about them anyway. Peter is British but he moved to Michigan around the age of 12. He shouldn’t have an accent anymore… but he does. Alice is the woman who puts up with Peter, and she has been that woman for quite some time. ~8 years to be exact. Alice was actually the one who gave all of us (the dbag frat bros) the go-ahead to “House” Peter as his own wedding. This entails us yelling his name until he takes his shirt off and flexes at his own damn wedding. He did it. It was wonderful. Thanks for the memories, guys #aslongaswebothshalllivesey.

Qatar: L

5 Arab States have broken ties with little old Qatar over some classic Middle Eastern drama that would rival Real Housewives of Atlanta, except featuring billionaire Arabic men rather than self-proclaimed “dimepieces”. The US, being allies with Qatar, is in a tough spot here, especially since US soldiers are currently stationed there. Getting them out and/or coming up with a strategy to appease this situation won’t be easy. But hey, we have Trump in office. No need to worry at all. Jared Kushner and Donald got this shit figured out, right? Right? *commits suicide*

Bill Maher: L

“My Nigga” — Denzel (NOT under any circumstances Bill Maher)

Bill Maher has been that classic liberal asshole forever, but most of the time we were on his side and felt like he was in the right. Recently, though, he made by far the biggest mistake any white person can make (other than killing us, jailing us, disenfranchising us, etc). He said the fucking n-word! Dude! Just don’t say the n-word. It’s that simple. You can literally do anything else. Even call us bitch ass bitch boys. We’ll get over that. But the n-word is off limits. Now, take this L and hope to God people forget about this fast enough for you to somehow stay on the air. They probably will, once Trump says it too. That’s your one save, Bill. And the thing is… it’s incredibly likely.

Wait, I just figured it out. Pro tip: Bill, get Trump to n-bomb on a hot mic and post it to all of your social channels. Then we’re okay with you again.

Stephen Adamson and James Mwaura: W

I think that was a pretty good article that we just wrote so I’ll give us a reluctant — but momentum shifting — W. Damn, feels good! And no, this is not a conflict of interest. Well, maybe it is, but whatever. This is our fucking blog, yo. We do what we want.

See y’all next week! Promise.