Wow, looks like the Mulattos are at it again. What a time! Let’s go go go:
Stephen Adamson: W
There is no more brilliant a marketing strategy for a single dude to execute than that of Getting a Dog®️. When you get a dog, your personal brand fundamentally changes, for the better. Your apartment goes from Some Dude’s Apartment™️ to A Totally Non-Threatening Enclosure in Which Resides a Cute Ass Dog™️. You yourself transform from Potentially Creepy or Weird or Unrelatable Dude On Bumble™️ into Dude with A Cute Ass Dog Aghh It’s So Cute Haha What’s His Name Ugh I Literally Can’t With This Puppy Can We Go Play With Him?™️. My boy Stephen is about to kill it with the SoCal ladies harder than OJ Simps- ok that’s in poor taste- harder than an athlete or celebrity or some shit. Especially when this blog takes off and he’s a legit Influencer™️ my mans will be one of the most eligible bachelors in the Los Angeles area.
And if none of that works out for him cause his game is still weak, he won’t have to deal with any of the crippling loneliness that comes with being rejected because — what do you know — the dude’s got a dog! That dog will never judge him for that joke he told at the beginning of the date that really threw it off, that one drunk text that was Read™️ but never responded to, that one Instagram DM that, sure, yeah, it was a little risky but it also was funny so she could at least respo- ok sorry I really am going off the rails here. NO I’M NOT PROJECTING.
Look, Steve got a dog, y’all. Meet up with him, pet it, maybe pet him. Damn, should I get a dog?
I can’t even rn. Look:
Seriously, look at this shit though:
LOOK AT THIS WOMAN’S BROWS
No words other than “L”. Actually LL. Wait her eyebrows are ACTUAL L’s. I’m done. Shook, but done.
The Boy Scouts: W
Normally, you’d think because the Boy Scouts got a weird, highly politicized, super problematic speech from Donald Trump that they’d be taking an L today. However, think about it. Trump made a sex joke to the scouts and big upped them while shitting on Obama the whole way and also bragging about winning the election. The Boy Scouts were annoyingly here for it, but there’s good reason why. This is HUGE for them.
The Girl Scouts have been shitting on the Boy Scouts for damn near 30 years. Prior to that, the Boy Scouts kind of had the scout game on lock. But the cookies and the lack of gay bashing on a mass scale has helped the Girl Scouts appear to be a much more approachable institution. But now? Boy Scouts are back, baby. The soon-to-be white supremacists disguised as white collar workers are never going to forget the day POTUS talked to them. The future is bright for the Boy Scouts. Trump was right. So much winning.
Lebron James: L
“Et tu, Kyrie?” — Lebron James when he first found out that he was going to lose one of the best point guards in the league from his squad. Now he has Derrick Rose and Jose Calderon to mix it up with. Talk about a #downgrade. Derrick Rose is one of my favorite guys in the entire league, but he sucks a lot now and will probably get injured… again.
Admittedly, this take from Michael Rapaport is pretty much perfect:
I love the Tee Grizzley reference towards the end.
OJ Simpson: W
Usually, when you brutally murder two people, society kind of stops fucking with you. Everyone except maybe your mom and a sibling turn on you, you go to jail, and you stay there forever. If you ever are released, you live in exile, are effectively un-hireable, and typically live a pretty shit life.
Not for OJ! The dude brutally slayed his wife and her boyfriend, got away with it, became a pop culture icon, perpetrated an armed robbery, (didn’t get away with that), served a jail sentence in which he was basically treated like a celebrity, and is being let out, still as a pop icon.
Here’s the crazy thing. I can’t even say for sure that I hate this guy. If I took a lie detector test and was asked “do you hate OJ”, I’d defintely say ‘yes’ (cause he’s a murderer and you have to hate murderers) but I’d be looking at that shaky line scribbler thing very, very nervously. So for being an arguably well-liked murderer, not to mention a FREE one, you get the W, Juice. #TheJuiceIsLoose
Floyd Mayweather: L
Fuck Floyd Mayweather and all other dudes who abuse their loved ones. Let’s get that out of the way first. With that said, The run-up to this Connor MacGregor v Mayweather fight has been an absolute circus, and recently shit has gotten personal. In the post to the left, Dray assumes Connor is wearing a Draymond shirt, and points that that he’s on #TeamFloyd. (L for Dray btw). Then Connor responds with a 3 way burn: 1) tells Dray he doesn’t know who he is, 2) tells Dray the jersey isn’t of him, and 3) tells Dray to ‘stay in school’ which is maybe the most succinctly condescending thing you can tell another adult.
The best part is that CJ Watson is the former Warrior that had sex with Floyd Mayweather’s wife. Yep. This shit’s getting personal, y’all. If by some miracle Connor can win this fight, all will be OK win the world. He can’t and won’t win, but a girl can dream. Take the L now, Floyd, and enjoy the W on the 26th.
Sean Spicer: W
First of all, can I just say this is probably the best picture ever taken of Sean Spicer and yet it still is a terrible picture? I always feel kind of bad when #libtards take shots at Republicans for being ugly, but it’s lowkey way too easy. Steve Bannon looks nuts, Rex Tillerson looks evil, Jeff Sessions looks like an elf, Trump looks horrendous, Jared Kushner looks… ok, Jared is pretty hot. But his voice is weird.
And now after throwing copious amounts of shade at Sean Spicer and his whole clique, you might be asking “Stephen, is this a W or an L?” It’s a W. Sean Spicer resigned from the Trump team before it 100% imploded. Now we got Scaramuchi’s greasy/sleazy New York ass to deal with. I’m kinda hyped though. The White House press conference room will miss Spiceman, but I’m all for a season 2 cast switch-up. This is like in Friday Night Lights when they decided to focus on East Dillon instead of Dillon. Fire.
John McCain: L
John McCain might be dying from brain cancer but the fact that he’s decided to let many others die too by voting “Yes” on a bill he openly said he doesn’t even support is pretty cringeworthy. Sorry John, but we can’t rock with you right now. I’m not going to pile on, though. Just hold the L and get better.