Welcome to Week 2 of ‘The Standings’, where we — Stephen Adamson and James Mwaura — decide who the winners and losers were from the previous seven days. This week was a doozy. Quite a bit to dig into here, and plenty of W’s and L’s to go around. So, let’s begin.
In a Tweet heard (read?) around the world, Donald Trump (eternal L-taker… but undeniable receiver of one of the most iconic W’s ever) fed the world the following bullshit last week:
So, let me help dissect what this senile fool is trying to say here. Obviously, we’re in a HUGE rush to build this wall, apparently. And so, we’re basically going to get started without Mexico paying on some “Venmo me later” shit. But everybody knows how that usually turns out. The fucking Venmo never comes. Mexico nabbed a quick W early last week, and I’m happy for them. Walls not going to be cheap. And it sounds like they’re off the hook for the bill.
Ted Cruz: L
In light of the above Tweet, Ted Cruz did something mildly clever, when he proposed we pay for The Wall™ with El Chapo’s seized drug money. He even created an acronym for the bill: the Ensuring Lawful Collection of Hidden Assets to Provide Order, (or EL CHAPO) Act.
Haha nice one, Ted! He is probably feeling really pleased with himself right now. He probably even eagerly clicked on this post, expecting to see that shiny W next to his name.
What he is forgetting though is that he is still a goblin-faced asshole who everyone hates. I mean, this man is so creepy half the internet decided he was the Zodiac Killer for really no reason at all. Ted, you will always be in the L column, with or without witty acronyms. Appreciate the effort though.
Barack Obama: 400,000 W’s
Barack Obama is going to make $400,000 dollars to talk to a bunch of rich people on Wall Street and people are super pissed about it. To this, I say… let Barry eat. I mean, to me, this one’s really funny, because in America, we always preach that if you put in the effort and work your ass off at something, you can live the American Dream. Nobody really knows what the American Dream is per se, but in my mind it involves owning a Lamborghini. Know how much Lamborghinis cost? Lamborghini Aventador sticker price is $406,695. So, even after this speech, Obama’s gonna have to scrounge up damn near $7,000, just to live the dream of the country he ran for 8 years.
Seriously though, Obama obviously put in hella time, plus he’s A DOPE SPEAKER. People are really out here acting like they haven’t heard Obama speak before. He’s good. If Obama is speaking… he deserves to get paid. A lot. Drake gets paid a lot of money to rap. Lebron James gets paid a lot of money to play basketball. Country singers get paid a lot to sing about Nascar and whiskey. Kate Upton gets paid a lot of money to be hot. Obama should get paid even more than all of these people whenEVER he opens his mouth. These are facts. There are a lot of terrible billionaires. Obama is a lot of things, but he’s clearly not a bad person. Give this man his well deserved 400 racks.
Ja Rule: L
Ja Rule already took a monstrous L as far as hip hop L’s go when he tried to square up with 50 Cent in the early 2000s and came out whatever the opposite of unscathed is. This nigga got scathed. For real. His career was respectable and his lyrics went from being heard in clubs, on the radio, and even in Nordstroms to being heard nowhere and never. But this past week, his FYRE FESTIVAL debacle that involved what promised to be a luxury island getaway music festival with fire artists was a huge flop. It went viral because it didn’t happen. People were literally stranded in the Bahamas because of Ja Rule. I’d be hot if Ja Rule fucked up my vacation. Just sayin’.
Jeb Bush: W
Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter, two guys who don’t seem like they would fuck with each other’s respective visions until you think a little bit harder about it and realize, “yeah, they’re both rich” went in together to buy the Miami Marlins. I’m not going to give Derek Jeter a W for this because this makes sense and is pretty much par or the course. But I definitely will give Jeb Bush — one of my favorite Republicans — a W in this rare success story for one of the most heavily shitted on Presidential candidate of all time. Jeb Bush did something cool for the first time in a long time, and I’m proud of him.
The Confederacy: L
The Confederacy took one of the classic L’s in history when Lincoln’s army beat them like an abusive mother does her kid in the checkout at Wal-Mart. They recently caught yet another one, too, when the New Orleans government decided to remove several statues commemorating famous Confederate leaders such as Jefferson David, P.G.T. Beauregard, and other racists because they were… racist. OK. You have a few questions. Let’s answer them.
“Wait, people made statues of these guys, even though they not only lost but are legit white supremacists?” Yes.
“Ok… but haven’t those statues always been racist? Like, why are they just now taking them down now on a random day in the year 2017?” Great observation, and I don’t have a great answer. White people work in strange and mysterious ways sometimes. New Orleans legislature is woke now — let’s rejoice and not ask too many questions.
“Is there even a tiny argument to be made that the Confederacy and its history is important and — ” Stop. No. Fuck no. Not at all.
Steph Curry: W
It’s fair to say that Steph isn’t having the same caliber season as last year (which was pure insanity) but a lot of haters have been quick to exaggerate how much he’s “fallen off”. Then, Steph led the Warriors to a 14 game win streak without Durant and the Warriors have now won 19 of their last 20 games, only 3 of which featuring KD. The W for me though is the little shimmy dance that Steph has fully re-incorporated into his game that he does after knocking down a particularly savage 3. It’s goofy, it’s disrespectful, it’s not really even cool, and I absolutely fucking love it. We’ll be seeing some of that in June, y’all.
Ivanka Trump: LL
Ivanka Trump being hot is pretty much the only thing that keeps her winning, but this past week she took a couple of major L’s. One of which involved her clothing line changing the name that shows up on the tag from ‘Ivanka Trump’ to ‘Adrienne Vittadini’ so that they could trick people into buying it. I know for a fact that one hurt. The family that is obsessed with its name having to remove it is like a disc jockey who fucks with the lazer sound effect getting that button removed from their soundboard. Devastating. Oh, she also got booed in Germany while trying to stand up for Donald. That’s obviously L number two.