Everything wrong with job adverts
In a time where recruiters expect candidates to stand out, is it about time that employers put as much effort in to advertising their jobs, as candidates are expected to in to applying?
Much is made of staffing crises across multiple sectors, not least hospitality. Employers openly screaming for staff and claiming they just cant find the right people (finding the right fit is an entirely different discussion). But I want to talk about the adverts that appear every day; you know the ones. The ones that that are about as appealing to a jobseeker as sitting on a pineapple and taking a ride down a cobbled street in a horse and cart.
This is slightly tongue in cheek whilst making a valid point. Stop advertising jobs like it is 1994! And stop making it sound like a legal requirement is a benefit; it really isn’t.
So. Here are some common phrases we see in job ads all the time, and how a candidate as cynical as yours truly, actually reads it.
Starting with a paragraph about the company
Okay, not too bad in most cases, but wittering on for a third of the advert about how big your company is, is actually just not that interesting. I can research the company more if I get to interview stage; or I can google you if I really want to know how many sites you have and how many employees before I apply. Most of the time, these paragraphs just sound like posturing for the company; as though your CEO’s being worth billions is going to make someone super excited about working for minimum wage.
Working as part of a small team
You basically have sod all payroll budget and the employee will be expected to do everything in their own department and others. Oh and you will be joining a team where you will be the outsider for quite some time; expect there to be friction.
Maintain strict procedures
You will get a disciplinary if you so much as miss one penny or dare to step outside of what we say you should do. And don’t forget to fill in the incident report in triplicate because you saw a colleague take their break and return 3 seconds later than scheduled.
Promote facilities and maximise sales
There will be sales targets that you have to meet to be seen as any value to the company. You will almost never achieve them and if you do we will just make the target higher.
Show initiative and ensure issues are raised to management as appropriate
You will be expected to make decisions, alone. But we won’t ever give you the authority to actually enact them. Everything will need manager authorisation; but because you need to constantly ask a manager, you will get told you are not showing initiative. Your manager may also be the type that questions every decision you make. It will feel like you will never win. Ever. You will fall asleep every night as you plan the companies demise from the inside like a sci-fi movie.
Show efficiency in ensuring guest satisfaction
You need to make people so happy that they give a five star review. We wont let you spend any money to do this, and expect you to get more money from people just by being nice. If someone complains, it will inevitably always be partly your fault in some way. You will be trained in being a customer service superstar via a thirty minute video and a quiz. This will be used at every opportunity to prove you should be capable of everything from dealing with a request for more loo roll, through to brokering world peace. Your efforts will be rewarded with a printed certificate and a £2 bottle of Prosecco someone grabbed from the storeroom.
Able to multitask
You will have everything thrown at you at once with the expectation it will be done without question in the next ten minutes despite the 5 people stood in front of you waiting to be served. See also ‘working as part of a small team’ and ‘fast-paced environment’. You will also never be able to find the damn stapler or ruler.
Fast paced environment
Drama, always a drama. You will be running round for eight hours or more every day and going home wondering what the hell happened. Despite your lack of training, authority and knowledge of the workplace, you will be expected to fix everything that happens.
And as for benefits…
Up to 28 days holiday
Not a true benefit when you consider it’s the minimum legal requirement.
Company Pension Scheme
See above.
Uniform provided
It’s kind of needed for the job to be honest!
Shopping discounts
It’s usually better to google a voucher code instead.
Discounted food and drink on duty
Oh, too tight to feed me so I have to pay for the meals?
Competitive Pay
Usually means ‘in line with what we think others would pay’. Just tell me how much you will pay. And please don’t advertise it at minimum wage and state that competitive pay is a benefit.
On the job training
A necessity rather than a benefit. This also reads that I will be thrown to the lions from day one and have to pick things up as I go along.
Accelerated Promotion Opportunities
Ha! This means you can’t keep staff and have a high turnover so need something for people to grasp on to as that final thread of hope when all else is gone! It also means that a lot of your managers are basically in those positions to keep them employed, not because they actually should be in those positions.
Paid weekly/fortnightly/4-weekly
How the hell is getting paid portrayed as a benefit?
Eye test reimbursement
Again, a legal requirement if using a computer screen every day.
Tips and Service Charge Scheme
Something would be really askew if you weren’t giving me the tips people had paid. Not so much of a benefit when many of these schemes charge me for processing these tips and service charges so it works out I lose money on them.
Additional holiday for length of service
Let’s be fair, I don’t really care at application stage because who knows what the hell will be happening in 4 years time when I finally earn an extra one day of holiday for the year.
Long Service Awards
Ooh. A printed certificate after five years of service. After ten years of service you get one that is actually framed too. I would much rather have a fully paid for long weekend away with my other half with paid holiday days for it too. But hey, at least the certificate can sit in a drawer until next years spring clear out.
All the above strike in the same way as house adverts. Where an estate agent says ‘cosy’ and you know it just means ‘small’, job adverts state ‘fast-paced’ and applicants just read ‘stupid busy with nothing enough staff’.
