What makes a powerful woman?

Today I posted a quote from womenontopp.com on Instagram. It’s something that I’ve suspected and believed for some time now. I’ve said it to my girlfriends but never in public. The quote was

“Everyone wants a powerful woman, until you start dating her and realise you have to step your own “sh!t” up”

It’s an interesting statement, that many women seem to agree with. In the modern world today, we are teaching women to be “fierce”, to take not just receive and to be masters of their own destiny. And this paradigm shift in the way women are taught not just to think and act, but how to think about themselves is causing a lot of discontent in both men and women. Powerful women are often labeled as proud and unfeminine, and men who cannot accept them are seen as weak. There are so many similar quotes and posts about how a good man should accept a strong woman. It’s a whole mish-mash of thoughts, ideas and feelings that are stripping bare the very foundations of our relationships.

But that’s not why I’m writing this today, I’m writing this because someone in the comments asked me “What is a powerful woman?”, and while I answered with an appropriately cliche answer, it made me ask myself. What is a powerful woman? And am I one?

See my friends and family have often referred to me as a “strong” or “independent” woman. A workaholic and a career woman. My natural instinct to explore (and sometimes challenge) the status quo, my intense focus and love for my work are seen as masculine. But does this make me a powerful woman?

Ironically, I don’t often see myself that way. I often see myself fighting a losing battle within me and with my culture. This is most evident in my search to find a partner. I’ve dated and been in relationships, and often the feedback at the end of these is that I am not “soft” enough , that I argue too much, that my opinions are too strong or that I am too inflexible. In fact, the real thing that all these attributes have in common is that they are considered masculine. But does that make me powerful?

When I think of powerful, I think of women like Jeanne Antoinette Poisson also known as The Marquise de Pompadour, a member of the French court and the official chief mistress of Louis XV from 1745 to 1751. She was in “charge of the king’s schedule and was a valued aide and advisor, despite her frail health and many political enemies. She secured titles of nobility for herself and her relatives, and built a network of clients and supporters. She was particularly careful not to alienate the Queen, Marie Leszczyńska. On February 8, 1756, the Marquise de Pompadour was named as the thirteenth lady in waiting to the queen, a position considered the most prestigious at the court, which accorded her with honors.”

This was a woman who managed to achieve status not only by using her wit, but her charm and beauty as well. She gained favour and made alliances. She developed a reputation for being the only person to actually tell the king the truth. And for this she was one of the very few he trusted. This woman, without losing her femininity managed to become one of the most powerful women of her time.

Somehow, without becoming masculine she achieved what many women today struggle with. We erroneously believe that somehow our feminine traits are inherently weak and that in order to become powerful we must shed our femininity and become like men. We have come to equate masculinity with power. Which when you really look at couldn’t be further from the truth. The definition of power is “the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behaviour of others or the course of events.” There is nothing remotely masculine or feminine about that. It’s simply is. Some people achieve this influence by seduction and others by force, yet others by fear and still others by inspiration. But no method makes the wielder any more or less powerful. The idea that power has a gender is one that we have to correct.

On average men and women are different, we have naturally different ways of exerting our influence. Women are more likely to use seduction and charm, men are more likely to use inspiration and force. But at the end of the day what makes someone powerful is not the method they use, but the level of success they achieve in influencing the world and people around them.

So I guess the only true answer to the question “What is a powerful woman?” ends up being very simple … It’s a woman that has power.