Strapping It On: The Irresistible Beauty of Dildos, and Why You Want One
Dildos have been around since the Paleolithic Age, but in our high-tech age, they haven’t lost any of their allure.
There’s something really incredible and fascinating about dildos. Even in the 21st century, when we’re coming up with sex toys that are interactive, remote-controlled, and do everything short of writing your OKCupid ad for you, there is something undeniably powerful and beautiful about a sculpted cock. Even the most low-tech ones are as varied and individual as biological dicks.
Dildos are classic in the most literal sense of the word: The oldest found so far is a piece of carved stone about 20 cm long that dates back to 28,000 years ago. Human history seems to have taken an arc that looks somewhat like this:
- Discover fire;
- Invent clothes;
- Start carving penises out of rocks and wood.
The stone phallus, discovered in the Hohle Fels Cave in Germany, apparently served double duty. In addition to whatever sexual or ritual purposes it was used for, scientists say that it was also used to sharpen and shape flint. “There are some areas where it has some very typical scars from that,” Professor Nicholas Conard told the BBC in 2005.
Modern dildos have a lot of uses, but we recommend that you not use them to pound rocks, nails, or sheet rock. The last few millennia of cultural evolution have given us hardware stores and Amazon for those kinds of projects.
We also have a lot more options for dildos than they did in the Paleolithic.
Who Uses Strap-Ons, and Why?
That’s a big question, and the answer is: Everyone, and for just about every reason that you can think of.
Strap-on dildos are stereotypically associated with lesbian sex, and while a lot of lesbians do use them, strap-ons and dildos are frequently used by people of all genders, whether as part of sexual play as part of gender expression. For example, a drag king, transmasculine or genderqueer person might wear a soft packer dildo underneath clothing to present the shape and feel of a penis and thus present a more clearly masculine persona.
While packers aren’t used for penetration, that doesn’t mean that they can’t be used for sex play. In the early stages of flirting or beginning to make out, there can still be a powerful erotic charge when one partner runs their fingers over the bulge, caressing the contours and surface just as they might a bio-cock.
That shows an important thing to remember about dildos: Even though they don’t have nerves and blood vessels running through them, even though they may be made of silicone, glass, metal, wood, or countless other materials, a dildo really can be a “real” cock for both partners. Many people who love playing with dildos achieve a powerful and intimate relationship with their cock that is no less powerful because it can be removed once they’re done fucking.
Pegging has become increasingly popular — or at least more openly accepted — over the last fifteen to twenty years. The name comes from a 2001 contest held by Dan Savage in his “Savage Love” column when several readers wrote in wondering what the “proper” term was for a woman anally penetrating a male partner with a strap-on. Competing with”bob” (for “bend over, boyfriend”) and “punt” (for kicking the ball to the other team), “pegging,” won with 43% out of over 12,000 votes. Ever since, it’s been the term for anal play using a dildo, regardless of the gender of the people doing the act.
Picking Out Your Dildo
If you’re planning to strap it on, a dildo needs to have a flared base (or testicles) in order to be compatible with a harness. Beyond that, selecting a dildo for strap-on play will largely depend on the preferences of the partners purchasing the toy, and how it is going to be used.
For example, a lesbian couple may prefer a toy that isn’t representative of a penis; a trans man may prefer a dildo that is as realistic as possible. A toy used for anal penetration may be quite different than a toy that will be inserted vaginally or orally. Some important considerations when shopping for a harness-compatible dildo include material, size, girth, texture, function, shape, and appearance.
Materials
Dildos are available in a wide variety of materials, including silicone, glass, steel, aluminum, rubber, and plastic. Because you generally have less precise control when using a harness, you will want to choose a flexible toy to prevent injuring your partner.
Silicone is one of the most popular materials for strap-on dildos, as it is durable and easy to clean. Because it’s non-porous, toys can be disinfected either by boiling or immersing in a 10% bleach solution if you wish to use them with multiple partners. If your partner has a latex allergy, silicone is an ideal choice because it contains no rubber. It can be chilled or boiled, picks up body heat, and conducts vibration well. For a more lifelike effect and texture, Vixen’s VixSkin or Tantus’ Dual Density Silicone lines offer a softer exterior with a firm core.
Toys made from PVC, latex, or jelly rubber also have a soft texture, and tend to be less expensive than silicone, but they have some drawbacks. The first to keep in mind is that these are porous materials, and cannot be disinfected. It is best to use them with a condom, especially if you use them for anal play or share them with others. Rubber toys should not be used by people with latex allergies.
You may also wish to avoid toys containing phthalates, a plastic softener that is classified by the EPA as a “probable human carcinogen.” Phthalates are most commonly found in inexpensive PVC or jelly rubber toys and often have a distinct sweet or chemical-like smell. Plastics such as TPR and elastomer are generally safer than jelly rubber or PVC, but may still be porous, and should not be shared with partners.
Dildo Styles
When picking out a dildo, especially your first one, you’re going to find that there are a lot of options to consider. This can seem intimidating sometimes, but in the end, you’re going to love it. As simple as they seem at first glance, a lot of imagination and craft goes into designing dildos these days. Here’s a few things to think about:
- If you’re going to use your dildo with a harness, it has to have a flared base. This ensures that the toy will stay firmly anchored between the harness and your body. A flared base is also important for anal play, as it prevents the dildo from slipping past the rectum and becoming stuck inside.
- Do you want a realistic dildo, or a stylized dildo? Some people may not want their toy to be representative of a penis, and prefer a toy that is more abstract in appearance. However, trans men and gender-variant people might relate to their strap-on as their cock, and want it to look as lifelike as possible.
- Length and girth are important considerations. It might be better to allow the partner who is going to be penetrated to select the dildo, since they have the best sense of what their body can handle.
- Anal beginners should start with smaller, slimmer dildos and work their way up to larger toys. The Bend Over Harness kits by Tantus (B664) are ideal for individuals new to anal penetration, as they offer two sizes of the silicone Silk dildo. The Silk has a smooth shape that is easy to insert and is very body-friendly.
- Some dildos have textures or ridges to enhance sensations. This can feel either pleasurable or irritating depending on your preferences and your individual physiology. Consider this carefully when making your choice.
Double-ended Dildos
One of the most common variations are double-ended dildos, which can be used to penetrate both partners at the same time. The Feeldoe and the Nexus are two popular styles of double-ended, harness-compatible dildos. In theory, these dildos can be held in place using the wearer’s vaginal or anal muscles, but they can also be used with a dildo harness for additional stability.
There are many advantages to using a double-ended dildo. The wearer can get g-spot, clitoral, or p-spot stimulation, particularly with vibrating models such as the Feeldoe. They might also feel a greater sense of control and realism while penetrating their partner, as the motion of the dildo can be felt within their own body. The harness-free models are also convenient for those who do not always wish to use a harness.
Safety and Care
It is important to play safely when using a dildo in a harness. Here are some basic safety guidelines:
- Use a flexible dildo (such as silicone) for strap-on play, so you do not injure your partner during penetration.
- Only use toys with a flared base for anal play.
- Always use lots of lube during strap-on play, especially anal play, and make sure your lube is compatible with the dildo. Silicone lube can be destructive to some silicone toys.
- Stop if you or your partner experience pain or discomfort during play, or if bleeding occurs.
- If you insert a toy anally, wash it or change the condom before inserting it in a vagina or mouth, to prevent infection or illness. You may prefer to have a dildo that is specifically designated for anal use.
Wearing a Dildo When You Have a Dick
Having a dick of your own isn’t incompatible with learning to enjoy and love wearing a strap-on Not only can they be a good substitute when for someone having trouble maintaining an erection, but simply the chance to choose your cock — the color, the texture, the size, the curvature — and switch back and forth can be a pleasure in itself. No matter how much you might love the cock you’re born with, you don’t get any say in what it looks or feels like. Swapping one cock for another can open a whole new world of possibilities.
Sheaths are an excellent option when you were born with a dick, but want to try some extra length, girth, duration, or just a change in sensation. For instance, the Fat Boy is made of a strong, flexible blend of TPR and silicone that allows it to double as a masturbation sleeve, massaging the wearer’s shaft with the inner contours, whether it’s being used with a partner or for a solo session. For those who are all about size, Oxballs makes a sheath called the Donkey Double Fucker that takes that dream to extreme levels: It weighs in at 1.2 pounds of silicone and measures 10 inches long with a girth of 2.5 inches. When you want to live out the very common fantasy of having a really big cock, slipping on a sheath might be your best option.
But that’s not to say that you have to choose between one or the other. There actually are harnesses that are specifically designed for people with penises, such as The Double Penetration Harness and Dildo Set. The name itself should spark ideas about why wearing a strap-on even when you already have a penis can be so cool: You can finally have that hot double penetration scene without going to the trouble of inviting a third into the mix. There are other harnesses built to accommodate a penis and scrotum (such as the aptly-named Men’s Dildo Harness), but which don’t allow the bio-cock to get in on the action. One reason you might use something like this is for an enforced chastity scene where the dominant partner can be penetrated while still denying full satisfaction to the submissive.
The subject of dildo harnesses is an overwhelming one on its own, and it’s tempting to go into it in more depth, but it’s a topic that really deserves its own piece. We’re planning to put up an article on picking out your harness soon. In the meantime, we highly recommend that you check out our Q&A with Mistress Kara on the pleasures of strap-on sex.
Let us hear any questions you have about dildos in the comments.
