I’m Giving Away Two Tickets To The #MST3K Los Angeles Premiere
Maybe they’re for you? Let’s find out.
I loved Mystery Science Theater 3000 as a kid. Still do as a grown-up. I was a weird kid with an anxiety disorder and deep depression and this show, among a few others, helped me feel less alone. It did not make me feel less weird. It made me feel blessedly weird.
This early fandom paid dividends to future buddies. No, my knowledge of the show was not comprehensive, but I once was remarkably impressed by a guy who was not just talented and kind but also had a VHS collection of all the old episodes. Now, you can like MST3K and still turn out to be an asshole (he was nice! still is, I assume!), but if you lead with your fondness for something I dig, I’ll probably listen to you a bit longer. It’s like when I find out somebody still has 1993 NBA Jam or enjoys Canada. Sometimes it’s not what you’re like; it’s what you like. (I think that’s from High Fidelity).
Anyway.
In 2015 I gave some money to this Kickstarter to Bring Back MST3K. I’d had a good year financially; I’d just gotten a screenwriting deal to adapt my third book; I’d left a long-term relationship and was living with my parents in New Jersey for a few months with no rent or mortgage to pay. I knew I was moving to California in early 2016 and I intended to bring my little brother out to California to go to the eventual MST3K premiere with me, since we used to watch the show when we were kids. But now in 2017 he’s busy and can’t come out. I’m busy too! I’m doing the polish on that screenplay from 2015. And I have a thing. A what? A thing. Pretend I have to see about a girl (that’s not from High Fidelity). I’m sure the premiere will be wonderful and fun as heck. The point is, I have tickets and I’m not going to be there.
This begs the question of what to do with said tickets.
My first thought was that I should donate them. BUT TO WHOM?
I texted the very capable and organized and seemingly very patient Ivan, who is one of the producers of the new season. He’s also helping Joel Hodgson and team run the fulfillment and other portions of the Kickstarter. I know it’s a pain in the ass to ask them to give away these tickets as they’ve got an insane amount of work to do and I assume they’ve got a lot of emotionally needy nerds to satisfy (greetings, brethren). So Ivan suggested I give them away myself.
But I did not throw down a ton of cash to give these tickets to just anyone, mind you. (Also I’m keeping the cool swag like the t-shirt and the graphics and stuff. Nobody else gets that. Mine. MINE!)
Ivan’s idea was to throw it out to the Facebook group related to MST3K. But I don’t use Facebook for personal stuff anymore. I’ve got a public page to talk to my readers (some of these folks are also people who come to see me the six times a year I get onstage now. It’s a pretty interesting, thoughtful group of humans over there.) I’m sure I’d enjoy that very helpful, loving MST3K community I’ve heard so much about. But I heard somebody quote Louis C.K. about social media once. It was something to the effect of him not being on it because he doesn’t trust his brain with it. And I get that. I really do.
And then I remembered this thing Chris Gethard did years ago for a comedy fan who was not feeling so great about his life. Chris brought him to New York and took him to a party, to UCB, I think to SNL backstage and more. It was a whole thing. It was great.
Like me, Chris has at times suffered from suicidal depression. This is not a secret; we’ve both written about it extensively and talked about it in interviews (here’s a book I wrote about it a few years back. It was my first book; there are others about lighter topics as well.) I was talking to my buddy Zach Sherwin this weekend and I said that one thing that motivates me is the idea that if I am honest about my struggles, even if they’re embarrassing or disturbing, that I can help somebody else just by being real about it. Maybe they will feel less alone.
The idea of making other people feel less alone is something that informs my work and my personal life. I’m not cut out to be a social worker or a psychologist; I tried being a high school teacher but it wasn’t for me. I write books and jokes and right now I’m rewriting a scene where somebody barfs during oral sex. I am being paid to do this. I can draw a direct line from this gig to my WGA (that’s the writers’ union for film and TV) health insurance that pays for the therapy I’m in right now.
And next week I have to go deal with a thing (not on MST3K day; it’s a different day) that a doctor found that he wouldn’t have found if I didn’t have health insurance from the oral-sex-wacky-hijinks-and-also-there-are-too-many-margaritas-at-a-high-school-faculty-mixer screenplay. The thing is fine; I’m going to be fine; the point is I feel grateful at the moment. My life is fucking ridiculous and it’s imperfect and I love it and I’m glad I’m alive. I bought Girl Scout cookies and birth control yesterday at the same pharmacy. Then I ate vegan bread and I’m not even a vegan. What a world!
Anyway.
I thought about what Chris did for that dude and I thought about what I said to Zach and I thought about how Joel has written so movingly about the truly loving, caring community of MST3K people over in the Facebook group and beyond.
And I thought, “Well, fuck it. I know what I’m going to do.”
So here’s what’s happening. The premiere is February 21 in Los Angeles. I have two tickets. I’m going to give them to somebody who really loves this show. I am also giving you other things. I’m going to ask a few things of you before I choose the person who gets the tickets. Keep reading, please.
This is not at all affiliated with Ivan, Joel, or the #MST3K program. This is just me, the editor-in-chief of a zine called The Stories (learn more about it here and learn about how to support it here). I’m also a person with two tickets she can’t use, and a desire to make somebody feel better about life for one night and maybe beyond.
I can’t afford to fly you out here. But I will give you these tickets and I will give you enough money for one night in a cheap but clean and reasonably well-rated hotel or motel on the East Side of Los Angeles (or Glendale, let’s be real). In short, I am offering the following:
1.) Two tickets to the MST3K premiere in Los Angeles on February 21, 2017
2.) $150 for one night in a hotel/motel in the Los Angeles metropolitan area (no, I’m not paying for the fucking minibar, COME ON).
3.) All my books. Well, all the printed ones. There are four. I will sign them.
4.) I will make a $50 donation to the ACLU Foundation or Planned Parenthood in your name.
I’ll arrange to have the tickets put in your name and the name of your guest. I’ll send you the books to your hotel or home. I’ll also PayPal or Venmo you a gift of the money for one night in a hotel. In theory, you can use the money for whatever you want. It’s a gift, no strings attached. Why am I not putting the hotel on my credit card? Because I don’t want to pay for your drunk ass hitting up the minibar, COME ON.
Maybe you’ll use the money for food or your Lyft to the event (parking will suck so I’d advise Lyfting). Not my business; not my issue; up to you. Use it for something good and healthy, please. And when you get to the event, please behave with respect for the folks around you. Don’t be weird, man, DON’T BE WEIRD. If you get kicked out, it’s not my fault. I disown you. I banish you to the ends of the earth.
Be cool, please. Because these are cool people doing a cool thing. Jonah just shot another season of Hidden America for Seeso and I assume he’s exhausted. Don’t be fucking weird to Jonah, man. Don’t be weird to Baron. Don’t be weird to whoever else is there. Is Patton there? Is Felicia there? Is Hampton there? Is whoever else there? Okay. BE FUCKING COOL BRO/LADY/GENDERQUEER FRIEND.
Here’s what you need to be or do to get these tickets. I’m gonna be honest and tell you queer people and chicks and folks living with disabilities skip to the head of the line on this one, but if you are not those things DO NOT FRET — you should still give this a shot.
- Write to me at thestorymedium@gmail.com in 500 words or less about something tough that happened in the past few years (besides the election, obviously) that you’re working to deal with, recover from, heal or accept. I’m not going to publish it or make it public. You can if you want to. That’s up to you. It doesn’t have to be super intense. It can just be that you didn’t get the job you wanted or you had a garbage breakup or you don’t feel good about your body (please note all of these things CAN be super intense) or you haven’t gotten to go out in years because you’re doing eldercare or your child with special needs requires extra assistance and you’d like to get a babysitter or respite care worker and take the night off. 500 words or less. I’m busy and so are you. And by the way, if you ever want to submit to The Stories, here you go.
- Tell me about why getting to see the premiere would be fucking awesome and would in some way help you feel better in a small or big way.
- Tell me whether I should make the donation in your name to the ACLU or Planned Parenthood and tell me why.
- Do this by 11:59 p.m. Pacific tonight, Monday February 13. I’ll give Ivan and company your info (or I’ll transfer the tickets to your name on Eventbrite; whichever seems easier) and announce the winner (you) on Twitter tomorrow. I’ll also make a post on The Stories congratulating you on the win (you should send me a suitable-for-work photo if you’d like a photo to be included in such a post; also please send me your social media links so people can congratulate you. If you don’t want to do this, that’s fine too). I won’t tell anybody about what you’ve been dealing with unless you want me to or ask me to for some reason. And then I’ll send you my books and the money and you’ll be off to do your thing with slightly famous people and the robots who control them.
- REMEMBER: IF YOU DO NOT HEAR BACK FROM ME TONIGHT, IT MEANS YOU DID NOT WIN. I’m sorry but there can only be one. It’s not that you’re not good enough or smart enough or talented enough or nice enough. Probably somebody else got their submission in first and I loved it and went with it.
We’ve got movie sign, collectively. And you, personally, may in fact have personal movie sign, you fantastic glowing alive motherfucker! Go! Go! Go!
UPDATE: CONGRATS, CHAD! Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours.
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