Another One Gone Too Soon
Adventures and Shared Circumstances
We got the sad news a couple weeks ago that my cousin David lost his battle with cancer and passed away, down near Dallas, Texas. Of my 42 first cousins, he’s now the second (that I know of) to go. He’s the first that was younger than me. I think he was just a few months younger than me.
David’s family, like mine, had 7 kids — I think he was the 5th, while I was the 6th in mine. Both of us were the youngest boys in our respective families. He had 3 older brothers and an older sister, while I had 4 older brothers and an older sister. I had 1 younger sister, while I believe he had 2. We were pretty close in family circumstance.
It’s hard to keep track of all the kids in such a large extended family like ours — but I try. Our mothers were sisters — mine (Rosemary) the oldest of that generation, while his mom (Flossie) was the 3rd of 6.
David and I had a lot in common — we were both into sports, both served a hitch in the military — he served in the Air Force while I was a sailor in the Navy. I think he might have served more than one hitch. I didn’t quite serve my entire 6 year hitch — I got out 2 years early (with an honorable discharge — long story). In fact, it was one of David’s older brothers - Denny I think, or was it Steve (?)— who was my first inspiration for joining the Navy.
I just remember hearing him spin some wild tales at a family gathering of what they did on their ship, some of the pranks they pulled, when he was a sailor in Viet Nam on a ship. I remember thinking “man, that sounds like a lot of fun!” They’d stolen a helicopter and a boat, I think, and got into some kind of a wild chase scene. I caught a real sense of adventure from the stories, and wanted that — adventure. Hell, the Navy’s slogan then was, “The Navy — Not Just a Job — an Adventure!” I was up for some adventure.
I didn’t realize that the wild stories you got to tell were but a small fraction of the whole experience in the Navy. I didn’t understand how oppressive life on a ship, and in the military, could truly become. A ship was a tough place to grow up on, but that’s exactly what I did. I grew up, the hard way, on the two ships I served on.
I learned another version of that slogan — “The Navy — not just a job — a bl**-job!” I wouldn’t wish my time in the Navy on my worst enemy — yet, I wouldn’t change a thing about the experience, either. It’s all a part of what went into becoming who I am today, which I’m totally okay with. Plus, it left me with all kinds of wild tales to tell about adventures on the high seas, and in other places!
I think David had a better experience than me in the Air Force, but then, that’s the story I’ve heard. He did eventually grow disgruntled with it, like I did with the Navy. I just don’t think his military career ended quite as spectacularly badly as mine did. Talk about an adventure! But, that’s another story.
The last time I saw David was on a business trip I took to Dallas in 2012, the year Mom was dying. In fact, I’d flown to Dallas from Myrtle Beach, where I was spending most of that summer with Mom. Kathy had driven down to be with Mom while I went on the business trip, then I flew back to Myrtle. My brother Jim came in for the next “shift” after mine, then Kathy and I drove back up to Virginia together.
I don’t think I even remembered that David lived down there. What happened was, his niece, Jennifer, had just moved there earlier that year, but I didn’t know that. I’d met Jennifer with David’s older sister, Sandy(her Mom) at the place we all got together every summer, Debordieu Colony, a gated beach community 40 miles south of Myrtle. They’d driven down from North Carolina to hang out with us for a couple days.
Sandy had always been one of my favorite cousins — she was just a very positive individual, and was one of those older cousins who always kind of looked out for us younger ones. My brother Ken was like that, too, but I didn’t appreciate him until late in my teens.
So, on the business trip to Dallas, a summer intern who was working for me had come along to learn how we dealt with the union — the meeting there was for us to hammer out a labor-management forum charter with the union council presidents. That part of the trip had ended in complete disaster, as far as I was concerned.
I had gotten everyone on both sides to the table, and gotten within one signature of succeeding where three previous attempts to get a charter in place had failed by my predecessors. I thought I’d found the secret to making it work. I hadn’t realized that, without the big boss’ support, it could never succeed.
So, on one of the worst days of my 41 year government career, it all went up in flames on the last day, a truly dark day in Dallas. We left there in worse shape than we went there in, in terms of our management relationship with the union. The big boss didn’t seem to care - but I cared, and the union had almost come to trust management, before it all went up in smoke. I’d spent that entire year trying to build that bridge, only to watch it all collapse like the Bridge on the River Kwai. Total destruction!
But, before that all went down…when the whole trip and meeting were still looking very hopeful, the intern and I went out to eat on the first night there. He was doing something on his phone as we entered the House of Blues, which I thought was a little rude. I asked him, “What are you doing there, Rick?” He said, “Oh, I’m ‘checking in’ on facebook. Do you have facebook? Here, let me show you how to do it.”
Interns were always good for showing us old ‘Boomers’ how to do things on technology that we had no clue about. I couldn’t understand why anyone could care less that I was eating at the House of Blues in Dallas, Texas. But, I “checked-in” and we had a great meal of ribs and cornbread. He stayed to see the lead singer from Hootie and the Blowfish play a show, while I headed back to the hotel to get ready for the next day’s meeting with the union.
When I checked my phone, I saw I had a message from my cousin Sandy, saying I should look Jennifer and David up while I’m in town. I also had a message from Jennifer. I was wondering how the heck they knew I was in town, when it hit me — “Ah, I checked in at dinner, then the whole world knew where I was — including my cousin, David, and his niece!”
Now I understood why I might check-in! I’ve been a fan of checking in ever since! So, the next night, David came by the hotel and picked me up, and we all went out to eat. What a great night that was. I’m so glad I got to spend that evening with David, and grateful to Jennifer for setting it up.
I think I knew, or had heard, somewhere along the line, that David was, like me, in 12 Step recovery. As we got to hang out for a good few hours that night back in 2012, I learned much more about his experience. We really did have much in common. While I found recovery in NA, he found it in AA.
David recalled a night when he was in his first year of sobriety, I think it might have been his dad’s (Uncle Al) funeral, where the family was all in, and the drink was flowing, and he was having a very hard time with it all. The Egan clan could get pretty damn rowdy when the booze got to flowing.
Mom, about 12 years sober at the time, and Aunt Dottie, who’d been a stalwart in Al-Anon (12 Step program for spouses of alcoholics) for years, hung out with David for hours in his room, sharing their experience, strength and hope, and helping him to see that he was a game-changer in his family. He also told me how the story my Dad wrote up, describing how 12 Step recovery got introduced to our family, was something he shared with every newcomer he sponsored, as it is a remarkable story of recovery and miracles.
Unfortunately, that really fine evening spent with my cousin David, with whom I had so much in common, wound up getting overshadowed by the labor-management meeting that blew up the next day. It really was a bright spot in an otherwise devastating week. It was only about a month later that Mom passed, and that kind of took over my life for a good while after that.
I’m really glad I got to spend that evening with David. Much like I felt a few months ago when my best friend passed unexpectedly — I always thought that I’d see him again. I guess this is something I’m going to have to get used to as I get older, and friends and family begin to die off — but it doesn’t mean I have to learn to like it. I don’t. But, it is life, so there is no choice but to accept it.
God-speed, David. You were a great cousin.
