Been working hard on Dirty Language…

hoping for some HONEST IMPUT AS TO THE WAY IT’S GOING, HOW THE CHARACTERS INTERACT ETC!!!

DIRTY LANGUAGE

Chapter 1

“Shut the fuck up and listen to me, the person standing in front of you. I won’t put up with your shit any longer Cliff. No more bars and no more damn bitches waiting outside the backdoor.”

“Go to hell Bess! You and that damn brat of a girl can go to hell. She don’t do nothin’ but run around playing her made up shit. You promised me a son and gave me a retard instead.”

And then I watched as my father smacked my mother across the face. Immediately after he turned away, like I knew he would while the whole side of her face began to swell. I could hear him cracking his knuckles as he twisted his fingers. It was a ritual that he somehow had to follow, while the sound always made me cringe.

He turned a minute later with tears streaming down his cheeks as he pulled my mother to him. “God girl, I’m so sorry. But you damn well push me until I just gotta do you back somehow.”

I was only five that time, but I can remember wishing he’d at least look at me and smile…or even say I love you too little bit, when he held her. It happened so often that over the years I learned to use those same words when I talked to myself or when I was really angry. Of course, I’d get a pop across the mouth if he heard me.

I can still see that last fight between the two of them as if it were only yesterday. After five years of trying. my mother once again carried his child, praying every hour of every day that it would be a boy. Like so many other times, he came home late and drunk, with red lipstick still smeared on the collar of his shirt.

“What the hell is your problem? Can’t you get your drunk ass home in time for dinner at least once a week? I’m so fucking sick of you chasing other women and then screwing them senseless while I sit here carrying your kid that I could kick your ass to hell and back.”

“Take a look in the mirror bitch and see that fat ass of yours. You think I wanna crawl into bed with a slob? You think that kid you’re carrying is worth me falling at your feet and worshiping you? You’re damn well crazy if you think that way! And look at that fucked up brat you’re raising. She’s as worthless as a sack of shit. Never feeds my dogs, never does her chores even when told to do them or else. Sits and reads those crap ass books instead of pushing a broom or cleaning out that damn chicken coop you wanted so bad.”

This time when he hit her, she stumbled over his work boots and ended up hitting her head on the corner of a brick planter that held worn out fake flowers. I can still see the blood oozing from her scalp as she moaned and then made a sound that for some reason caused me to turn away.

Instead of calling someone for help, or even kneeling beside her, my father threw a glass of water on her face while yelling that she needed to get up and stop acting like a drama queen. By the time he realized she wasn’t going to follow his directions my mother was dead, along with the baby boy that until then had been growing inside of her.

I don’t remember a lot of what happened next. The cops finally came, along with an ambulance. My father cried as I told a female officer what I’d seen with my young eyes. Not long after, I left in one car just as he left in another one, handcuffed and still crying as though his tears could bring her back.

I didn’t cry, just as I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye to the few things that I’d loved; a stuffed bear that I’d had forever, a little jewelry box that played music when I opened it, and the five books that had been given to me by a neighbor when I’d seen them at a yard sale she’d been having.

I ended up going from home to home and shelter to shelter while they tried to find a relative that wanted me. Parts of the foster care system that I was immersed in for years helped and parts made me the holy terror I’d become as a young teen, trying to cope with the past and that God-awful feeling of never being wanted…really wanted. Usually it was the money those who cuddled me in public while ignoring me in private were after. Even worse, they made me aware of it almost daily.

I finally stopped writing for a few minutes as I scanned the diner I’d stopped at. I knew it was close to three am; too early for the people who worked regular jobs and too late for the night shift to be thinking about anything but sleep.

I’d learned that putting everything on paper helped me control my anger, and the need to cut myself with whatever was handy. Over the past few years, I’d filled probably three journals with shit that bothered me, shit that hurt, and the worst part, my inability to interact with males.

I rubbed my tired eyes, wondering where to go next. I’d met my past today, reliving those few horrible hours as I stood looking at what was left of the abandoned home I’d spent too many years in. I’d laughed a little also, seeing the chicken coop still sitting there as if it were waiting for its past residents to finally come home. I even hoped that the neighbors had been kind enough to feed them until they too decided to move away.

After paying my tab and grabbing another coffee to go, I sat in my beat-up Toyota trying to decide whether to head south and then west or just keep driving along the freeway I’d been on. What the hell, I said to myself about twenty minutes later, the cornfields it is. And sure enough, that’s just about all I saw as I drove through Kansas, until I finally had to stop and sleep for a few hours.

I’d saved for this trip for almost six years, working every job I could get. I’d found early on that with five hours sleep I could work two jobs and even three if the last one was just a couple hours long and I didn’t have to do much more than push a broom or answer phones. When I was fourteen, I’d seen a picture of the beaches along the California coast. After dreaming of walking though the waves the Pacific Ocean carried from Asia, past the Hawaiian Islands until they finally ebbed along the shore, I’d made it my goal…to walk those same beaches barefoot while I looked out at the sea as the swells came in one after another.

To be honest, there was another reason, a reason that had been festering inside of me since I’d turned eighteen. When the foster care system decided that it was time for me to go my own way, I met one last time with Mary Diaz. She was the last in a long line of social workers who’d always smiled politely when I’d look back at them, wondering why I was being moved to yet another house with empty windows, positive that I was nothing more than a rag doll, constantly being thrown out with the trash.

She’d handed me a small cardboard box that day, saying that since I was considered an adult, the items that someone had collected were mine now. It took me two days to find the courage to even peek inside. It was then that I found the letters held together with a rubber band, stashed beneath the damn bear they’d kept but never allowed me to hold when I needed to…when I was totally alone.

I read each one, realizing that I had an aunt; an aunt that had begged my mother to leave my father again and again, until in her final one, she’d given up and wished my mother well for the last time. After some research, I found out that Susan Wells Mitchell still lived near a beach, right off the Pacific Coast Highway. Walking along the beach while remembering that dream was important, but not as important as meeting if only for a moment, a part of my mother’s family.

I didn’t have the nerve to just pick up the phone and say hello even if I had her number. Instead, I’d decided to knock on her door, see a face that maybe I’d seen once before as a baby, and then walk away after stating that I was on the wrong street.

Chapter 2

Well this fucking sucks, I said to myself as I sat under an umbrella at an outdoor taco bar. Almost a hundred bucks a night for a room with a cracked tub, air that only worked when it wanted to, and crappy sheets with a hole that my big toe had found twice my first night in LA. If I wasn’t careful as hell, I’d go through all my money within a month. Even worse, I had no place to live when it was time to leave and head back to nothing…and no one. A few hours later, with my stomach still wishing for something more than a crispy shell with more lettuce than meat, I shrugged my shoulders and just told myself that I’d probably have to get a damn job…doing something.

For the next two days, I did all the stuff every tourist did. I walked, looking at all the stars imbedded in the sidewalk, watched a guy pull money from thin air, and ignored two other guys who tried to pick me up while wondering at the same time if females were somehow hard to come by in California. I was clean but my crazy hair was a mess because the damn socket in the little bathroom didn’t work and I hadn’t been able to blow it dry while trying my best to style it. And that thought made me laugh, because I’d never been able to do much with it. Even when I worked for a half hour trying to straighten it, my brown mop always ended up curling like those thin ribbons you see on Christmas gifts. I realized that it’s always worse when it’s damp or humid, and this place wasn’t just warm, it also left me feeling clammy after I’d walked only a block or so.

That night I tossed and turned, going over exactly how to keep from staring, how to walk away, how to stop myself from gaping at a woman that didn’t know me from Adam. But most of all, I wondered how to not shed one single stupid tear. I even considered not going at all…but then I thought about the fact that I would have wasted the money I’d already spent. After deciding that I’d walk the nearest beach to her home first, allowing the water to lap over my feet while I stared at the ocean, I finally drifted off.

Fourteen hours later, I had this awful urge to throw my Garmin out the damn window. Dumb me had never bothered to update it and of course, I’d made three wrong turns, and was heading south instead of north along the coast. Six miles down the road, I finally found a place to make a U-turn and twenty minutes after, I found one beach out of the five I’d passed that said ‘public’ instead of ‘private’. The parking area was small with only one other car and I pulled in directly across from it.

I’m here, I said out-loud as I watched seagulls swooping through the air, waves crashing against huge rock that had either fallen sometime in the past from the hills behind me…or maybe had been tossed there only because they were in the way when the road was built. Even though it was late spring, the water still had a real chill to it but I splashed through it anyway, soaking the bottom of my jeans that I’d rolled up almost to my knees. I heard a dog barking in the distance, somewhere behind me as I bent down to pick up a shell, feeling the little lines across the muted pale pink and blue colors it had somehow collected as it formed.

Before I had a chance to stand, two paws collided with me while a wet nose sniffed my arm and then huffed out a breath as it jumped up and down on its hind legs. Laughing, I turned to see a black Labrador dancing around in the sand. His brown eyes almost seemed to smile as he licked my hand, looked up at me, and then licked me again. A minute later I heard a whistle, followed by a deep male voice coming from behind one of those big boulders that sat half in the water and half on the shore.

“Scotch, you crazy dog…where’d you go boy?” were the only words he said, but crap the second I saw him walk around that boulder I was mesmerized, and the closer he got I could literally feel a stupid blush building until it rushed across my face. All the while, the dog bounded back and forth between the two of us while the guy grinned as he came closer, and I just fucking stood there like a dunce.

“Hey,” he said as he scratched the dogs head, “sorry but he’s still a pup and hasn’t learned that everyone in the world doesn’t want to be kissed, licked, or jumped on.”

Not one word would come out and I sure as hell knew I was staring; staring at light brown eyes, dark brows, and black, wind-blown hair. Suddenly I shivered, and immediately he looked at me with a somewhat worried expression. “Cold…and no towel. Damn, I usually carry one so I can dry him off a little.”

That shiver wasn’t from the cold, I somehow wanted to say. Of course, I didn’t but I knew why I had. He was too everything; too hot, too V shaped, too deep of a voice, too…just too much male to exist in only one man.

“It’s okay,” I finally blurted out. “Stupid me didn’t stop to think…just wanted to wade in the water, that’s all.”

I turned ready to run, but instead quick walked toward my car. All the while, I could feel him staring at my back. “Hey green eyes, would you like a cup of coffee? I only live a few yards from that spit of sand you were heading toward.”

Well piss, I wanted to say no. I knew that I should most definitely say no, but instead I turned around. “Yes, I’d really like one. To be honest, I am cold. Didn’t stop to think about those waves coming in and the fact that the sun hadn’t really warmed them much.”

He waited as I walked toward him, while I took deeper breaths the closer I got. He didn’t say anything else as we headed down the beach. Instead, he picked up a stick, throwing it again and again while the dog wagged his tail as he brought it back with happy, bounding doggy strides. I kept my head down, looking but not really seeing the shells scattered among small rocks, more than likely chipped off the many boulders that went on forever.

“Here we are,” he said a few minutes later.

I looked up and immediately my mouth opened while my eyes widened. Two big white boxes at different angles sat on top of each other with windows everywhere. This wasn’t a house; it was like one of those pictures you’d see in a magazine…or maybe in one of those little brochures that seemed to be on every street corner, with the cost of a bus tour to “the homes of the stars”.

I stopped, afraid to look at him while my mind went a little nuts, trying to think of a reason to leave because I still didn’t trust men. “I’m sorry,” I finally said, “but I really have to get back on the road.”

I didn’t wait for a response. Instead I just turned around and headed to my car, but once again I could literally feel him looking at me until I was finally out of sight. Damn it, damn it, damn my stupid self for saying yes to begin with, I repeated as I slammed the car door and started the engine.

After driving about ten miles and then making three turns, I drove past the return address on those letters, seeing a well landscaped home that perhaps held a piece of my past. My insides felt like a million butterflies were dancing around, my hands were damp, and suddenly I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this. Maybe I was afraid I’d open a box that I had no right to open, or maybe I just didn’t want to look inside that box at all.

A half block later I pulled over, ran a comb through my hair, tugged at my jeans until they were once again straight and sat against my ankle where they belonged. And then I circled back, looking at the name of the next street so my excuse for stopping would at least seem valid. Taking a deep breath, I turned off the ignition, got out, and headed toward a topaz blue door that stood on the right side of a big cream-colored home with windows that almost filled the front wall. I knocked and waited for someone to open it. Then I knocked a little louder, almost glad that maybe no one was home. The moment I let go of the breath I’d been holding and began to walk away, the door opened and someone said, “Can I help you?”

I turned back, seeing my mother, or what I thought she’d look like now. And then I bit down on my lip trying not to cry. “Oh, I’m so sorry. This isn’t Laurel, is it? I must have missed my turn.”

The woman at the door stared at me with green eyes like my own until I finally smiled and then headed back toward my car.

“Julianna? Are you Julianna?” I heard her say. My body shuddered as I looked down, watching my feet betray me as they stopped with not regard as to what I wanted them to do.

“Jules, everyone calls me Jules,” I replied, hoping she didn’t hear my whispered response.

“Don’t you dare walk away from me! You look so much like Bess, that for a moment I thought I was seeing the past.”

Of course, fucked up stupid tears started to gather in the corners of my eyes and before I could count to five, they were spilling over until they ran down my cheeks.

A moment later, long, graceful fingers touched my shoulders, turning me until I was face to face with a woman so familiar that suddenly I could remember her smiling down at me while my mother held my hand, saying things that had been forgotten long ago.

She didn’t speak as she led me back along the walkway, opened the door to her home, said a few words in Spanish to a small woman, and then sat down on a couch while pulling me with her.

Neither of us said a word as she dabbed her eyes while handing me a tissue of my own. A few minutes later, the woman she’d spoken to brought a tray with mugs full of coffee, along with cream, sugar, and two gold plated spoons. I took a long, soothing sip, wondering if like me, she used this specific drink to get through everything whether good or bad.

Three hours later I’d learned so much, that parts of it were hard to hold on to. My mother had been a model and had already been on the cover of two magazines when she’d met my father. He’d been working on a race car, and when she’d stopped for gas it was love at first sight — at least in her eyes. For a while they’d followed the circuit, always believing the next race would be the one that would make him a star. It never happened. Instead his misery became hers, and as he turned to booze, my mother’s life became smaller and smaller.

In the meantime, my aunt had gone from modeling like my mother to bit parts in movies. When I was five, the two of them met for a few hours. The woman who still sat beside me had begged her sister to leave my father that day, because of what she saw; haunted eyes with no future and a little girl that was never allowed to just be a kid. It was then that she’d sent my mother the final letter I’d found.

When my aunt had married two years later, she’d been swept into the upper crust of Hollywood. And like my mother her world revolved around his, until the past became nothing more than the past. Her husband was and still happened to be Brian Mitchell. Funny but sitting with her, I could see him as a young man only because of the old movies I used to watch. The couple I lived with at the time liked that type of stuff and I had no choice but to sit with them. I also learned that he still dabbled in the arts but was directing now instead of being the hero or the villain.

In the end, I told her about me; told her how her sister had died, how I’d been told that I had no relatives, and was shuffled from house to house until I turned eighteen. When I told her about the box, my bear, and those long-lost letters we both cried again…but this time someone held me. It was a strange feeling and I wasn’t really sure I liked it. Still, it felt like some weird circle had finally closed.

Chapter 3

I think both of us were exhausted from all the emotional shit we’d just dug up, dusted off, or peeled away, and I wasn’t sure whether she was being polite or backing away when she suddenly decided to give me a tour of her home. I hadn’t realized that it sat not a block away from the beach, or that it was so large. There was even a pool, a gazebo, and an outside sitting area as big as most of the houses I’d lived in.

Back inside, this woman who until a few hours ago was nothing more than a distant memory and a name written on a letter, smiled at me as she stopped, turned around, and then led me to a wing I hadn’t seen. “This is your home now Julianna, just as it is my sons. And yes, you have a cousin. Brian will be thrilled to meet you when he comes to visit, just as his father will,” she said, pointing to a suite of rooms.

I think I stood there for a good five minutes, staring at it all until I finally had the courage to say what I needed her to know. “Thank you so much for telling me things I never knew about, and for filling in so many empty pages, but I don’t belong in this world. I would never fit in here, but I would love to come back again and visit you.”

Her laugh was full of warmth as she shook her head. “As my son would say, “that’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard”. You’re my sister’s little girl and even though we don’t know each other well, I want you here with me. Stay a month, a year, or stay forever.”

“I’ve already paid for my room and I really need to think about it. You may not like the person I am…the real me. I can be a rude bitch, and my language is sometimes downright nasty, even when there are people I don’t know listening. More than likely I’d embarrass you…I mean really embarrass you within the first week.”

She smiled at me with something so foreign, it made me stop and stare. It seemed almost like she really cared, no matter who I was inside.”

I left a few minutes later, positive she didn’t understand why I felt I had to go. All those blank pages and bad memories had been stirred together until they just boiled over and I needed desperately to find a way to run from them.

Once again, I made some wrong turns, got totally lost twice, and ended up back in that shitty room just as the sun set. After twisting some receipts with my fingers while telling my fucked-up brain to shut up at least a dozen times, I finally walked across the street, knowing that if I didn’t eat something I would never sleep.

My body almost sighed as I devoured that first slice of pizza. It was so damn good that I immediately started on the second one and wasn’t watching where I was walking.

“Well, hello sweetheart…I like girls that just put it out there. You askin’, or are you gonna play coy? I’ll take it either way.”

I knew that I’d brushed past him and had somehow made contact with his shoulder. I also knew what the asshole was talking about. Instead of responding, I kept walking toward the edge of the sidewalk. When his hand touched my rear, I literally saw red. Dropping the last slice, I turned around and screamed, “You put your hands on me again and all that booze you’ve had will come bubbling up through your mouth because your balls will be gone.” He reeked of liquor just like my father had so many times, the stench had become embedded in my brain.”

The baldheaded bastard’s mouth opened, making his double chin even larger. Instead of saying another word, I crossed the street, walked through the small parking lot, slammed the door to my room, locked it, and then took a hot shower.

That night I had too many dreams; ones that woke me from a sound sleep, made me angry as hell, made me feel as if the whole world was tilting, and even made me cry…something I hated to do. Even worse, I could hardly remember what they were. When the last one woke me, just before dawn, I realized that I wanted nothing more than to leave. I certainly didn’t belong here. In fact, I didn’t belong anywhere.

I couldn’t concentrate on the old-fashioned atlas I’d bought, and my phone was dead because I hadn’t bothered to plug it in, so I sat on the bed waiting for it to charge, while hoping that Google Maps would give me an idea of where to go and where I’d end up.

I even considered heading back to where I’d started. At least two of the places I’d worked would hire me again, and I liked both of those jobs. After a few years, I said to myself, maybe you could move to Florida and work in one of the bars that sat on a beach. Funny but although I didn’t like the smell that came with it, I enjoyed mixing drinks…even after living with a drunk, and the tips were usually great too.

In the meantime, the maid came in, cleaned a little here and there and then reminded me that checkout was at eleven. The fact that I’d have to leave soon, finally forced me to think about my aunt and what she’d think. Forty-five minutes later, I’d packed my suitcase, turned in my key and was ready to gas up and head east, knowing I’d see miles and miles of fucking cornfields once again.

A black Audi SUV sat next to my little car and I ignored it, thinking that someone was getting it on with someone that they shouldn’t be. I opened the driver’s side door and looked up only to see my aunt smiling back at me.

“I had a funny feeling that you’d run so Brian and I put on our ‘detective hats’, made some calls, pulled in some favors, and found you. I will not, under any circumstances, allow you to leave without spending at least a week with me Julianna.”

To be honest, I laughed so hard that my aunt started laughing too. It was either that or cry.

“You’re going to learn that I’m not easily fooled and can be as much of a bitch as you claim to be,” she added.

I stood, staring at her maybe a little too long, understanding that I’d give in, and realizing that I wanted to know her, really know my roots — or at least part of them.

“I want you to meet my son. When I told him what his father and I were doing early this morning, he insisted on driving. I suspect he thinks the freeways are too much for me to handle. I guess I’m what he considers an aggressive driver because I honk my horn, tail people that are driving too slow, and have been known to flick people off who pass me. When I was younger I even told a cop to go to hell. He had to have been going ninety so I just decided if he could…well then so could I.”

“I’m the same way,” I said, smiling back at her. “You won’t believe how many people I dogged driving out here just because they refused to use the slow lane.”

Just then the window on the driver’s side of the Audi opened and as the two of us turned, the keys in my hand dropped to the ground…only because that same hand had suddenly disappeared. The owner of the Lab on the beach smiled this lopsided smile, shook his head just a bit and said, “Well hello again.”

Immediately after, my aunt laughed once again. “Yes, I’m a sly old fox aren’t I. Security cameras are useful, especially when you can download pictures of the people who knock on your door. Brian did quite the double take an hour or so ago. And I’m finding that this life just might be stranger than fiction.”

Once again, my eyes seemed to be stuck on this man. A few minutes later I forced myself to look away. You are a perverted ass, staring at your own damn cousin like some bitch in heat, I said to myself. If there had been a rock nearby I would have crawled under it, because he sure as hell noticed me ogling him. I could tell by the way he watched me with that little grin as if he was trying desperately not to laugh.

I finally turned toward my aunt, praying she didn’t see what had transpired over the past few minutes…or maybe only seconds. “I have to get some gas. I think my GPS will remember not to make all the wrong turns it made yesterday, and I should be there not long after you get home.”

“No, no, Brian will drive your car and you can ride with me.”

“I…I’ve never let anyone drive this car. The fact is, it terrifies me to think about it. I guess it’s because it’s all I have…all I own.” The last sentence caused her to look at me so sadly that I lashed out like I always do.

“This is who I am. I told you that you wouldn’t like the fucked-up person standing in front of you. I’m not a waif not matter what the hell you think. I can take care of me…ok?”

“Oh yes, I’m sure you can. I just thought we could ride together — that’s all.”

“Crap, I’m sorry. If you want to change your mind, I’ll understand. It’s just…”

“Are you two going stand out there and chat all day? Maddie’s waiting on us and you know how she gets mom.”

“Brian, would you mind riding with Julianna? She needs gas and Sal’s station is only a few miles out of the way.”

This was worse than letting him drive my car…a hell of a lot worse, but I wasn’t going to give her anymore shit. I’d already allowed my stupid temper to rear its ugly head and once again I was doubting that this visit would even last a week.

My aunt leaned in then, whispering so that no one else could hear. “Just remember, I can take anything you can dish out. You don’t know me but believe it or not, I get where you’re coming from. Until I met my husband I was a lost woman who lived in a shithole room with a filthy bathroom down the hall that I had to share with two men. I’ll tell you that story later.”

She winked, and the minute she did, I knew he was behind me. It was his scent…something musky with a hint of lime.

“Take a left at the next light,” he said not ten minutes later. Sal’s is just a block up…on the right.”

I hadn’t even turned off the engine when he jumped out and began filling the tank. In the meantime, I grabbed my purse and went to pay whatever the total was.

“No money from you. Mr. Brian, he knows that. His family good people. They pay me monthly like my other fine customers.”

“Well, that might be so but…” I never had a chance to finish my sentence.

“Don’t argue with this guy. It will only get to the point that he just walks away. And Sal, the car needs a tune-up badly.”

“We pick up car Thursday. Give her beauty bath and new tires?”

“Sounds good. If no one’s home the keys will be on the floorboard…driver’s side.”

“Wait,” I said, glaring at the two men standing in front of me. “Those tires are only five years old and still have some tread left. And I changed the oil before I hit the road.”

“No. You listen to Mr. Brian. Other fluids need help to make car run smooth. Beauty bath includes all things to make car sing. And tires must grip roads through mountains, in sandy beach, and must be aligned.”

“And how much is this going to cost?” I asked, thinking about what I’d have left when I leave.

“No money. All free.” He winked, but even if he hadn’t, I knew he was lying, just like I knew his supposedly Spanish accent was fake.

“Whatever,” I stated, knowing that I’d just leave the money somewhere when I left with a note explaining what it was for.

“Well, which way now?” I asked my newly found cousin a few minutes later.

“Just head west at the next light. The freeway entrance is only a few blocks down. Follow it until you see 23 and then stay west bound.”

Damn it felt strange sitting next to this guy and I really didn’t have a clue as to what to say to him, so I finally asked about his dog. “You should be home with what’s his name…Scotch instead of bothering with me. He’s so cute, and the way he plays with you, I can tell he’s loved. Or maybe you should be working. People do work in California, don’t they?”

“They do and I do, but since I own the place and don’t have anything scheduled this week, I’m pretty much free to do my own thing. As for the mutt, he’s fine. Someone will take him out as often as he wants.”

He was either being rude or laughing at me and the way I was trying to start a conversation, so I just shut my mouth and followed the freeway, looking for route 23.

“Julianna…mom said you pretty much go by Jules. Where’d that come from?” he finally asked.

“To be honest, my mother made it up. My father insisted on calling me ‘junk’ or ‘the joke’ when I was little. She would always tell me that I didn’t hear him correctly and then would say he loved to call me Jules. I guess it stuck, and besides, Julianna is a big word for a little kid.”

“Sounds like a total asshole…but that’s my opinion.”

“So, I guess your mother didn’t fill you in…but asshole fits perfectly.”

“All she said was that her sister had passed and you’d come to visit. She also said that you were kind of shy and unsure because you hadn’t seen each other since you were a little girl.”

I laughed then, because I had to. “I’m not shy. I just don’t like to intrude in other people’s lives. Oh, by the way, my old man killed my mother when I was nine. He died in prison…heart failure I think. But that was a long time ago.”

“What?” he said a moment later, “Then where the hell have you been all this time?”

“Oh, living the best of lives, while going from foster home to foster home, and shelter to shelter. I’m the brat who turned into a full-fledged bitch…yep best life ever.”

“Damn, I’m sorry but Susan didn’t tell me.”

“Don’t you fucking pity me. I hate people who do that because it’s fake as shit.”

“Hey,” he said, as he touched my shoulder, “I don’t pity you. If Susan had said something, I wouldn’t have mentioned any of it.”

“Can we just drop it? And why the hell do you call your own mother Susan? I should never have agreed to this,” I finally said, while wondering if I shouldn’t just pull over, kick him out, and then disappear. At the same time, I could still smell that scent he wore, which bothered the hell out of me.

“Susan is my stepmother. I was nine when she married my father. My real mom died in a car accident. She stepped in two years later and loved me. I haven’t thought of her as anything other than my mother for years, but I still call her Susan once in a while, probably because it just fits her. As a kid she would sometimes say, ‘You know Brian the mom in me says you shouldn’t do that but the Susan I am says give the kid a chance to explore, so let’s talk it out okay?’ It was as if we were friends but the ‘mom’ in her was always there, making sure I didn’t step too far over the line.”

I concentrated on the road, unsure as to how all of this would play out. I had a cousin who wasn’t really a cousin and I could still remember seeing him on the beach. Damn it, I had to just stay away from him because for some fucked up reason, I wanted to…I wanted to…just shut the hell up, I finally told myself, while hoping that he was only helping out and didn’t come around very often. A week…I’d give my myself a week and that was it.

Chapter 4

Hours later, I’d hung up a few outfits and put my other clothes in the dresser. Dinner was at seven and I’d been told that I’d finally meet my uncle. I’d spent the afternoon hiding in the rooms I’d been given and thankfully no one had bothered me. The bathroom had a rain shower and a clawfoot tub. I’d already used both; stepping out of a long hot bath and immediately into warm jets of water that sprayed from three separate heads.

By six I’d managed to dry my hair, put on a little makeup, and slip on my only dress. I’d always loved blue and even though the frothy layers and the handkerchief edges of the skirt were slightly out of style, I’d decided it was better than jeans.

My once was cousin had left just a few minutes after we’d arrived, and to be honest I’d almost sighed with relief. I’d also been introduced to Maddie, the little lady who’d brought us coffee the day before, when my aunt and I had sat down to a lunch that included a crisp walnut salad and warm muffins. I think I demolished mine before Susan had taken four bites of her own. What the hell, I was hungry to the point that my stomach growled with glee when I took that first bite and I honestly couldn’t stop eating.

I finally took a deep breath as I opened the door, walked down the hallway, and looked around.

“Oh, here she is,” my aunt said when she spotted me coming toward them. “Julianna, come and meet Brian while I fix you a drink.”

His eyes were a darker brown than his son’s while his black hair was streaked with white, but the voice was almost a perfect match…just a little more weathered by the passing of time.

“Ah, those green eyes and chestnut hair; there’s no doubt that you’re my new-found niece. How are you Julianna?” he asked as he took my hand.

“Probably as surprised as aunt Susan that I’m standing here, and a little in awe that I’m meeting a movie star, but mostly glad that you’re allowing me to stay for a week or so.”

His laugh was deep while his eyes crinkled at the corners. “Nonsense…you should have come when you read those letters. Susan has always wanted a daughter and often wondered where you were. Damn system you were stuck in could have found us if they’d tried. The whole thing totally pisses me off…and if we’d known we would have been there for you from the beginning. Even more, it makes me angry as hell…what happened to you and your mother. I’m going to do my best to get you to stay with us, but right now I think I owe you one big hug.”

It wasn’t a bad feeling, the hug he gave me, but all the same my body refused to allow me to hug him back. Instead of wondering why, the man who just happened to be my uncle said smiling at the two of us, “Now how about that drink?”

“I’ve tended bar for years but I don’t drink. I’ll take a soda if you have one though.”

When we finally sat down to dinner I was totally lost. It seemed we had too many forks and spoons, empty plates with a bowl of soup on top, along with a water glass, a wine glass, and a coffee cup, all lined up like little soldiers. I snickered, although I hid it, thinking of Julia Roberts and the snail that went flying through the air. I’d never been around this kind of shit and felt bad for the person who had to wash all the unused plates, glasses that I, at least, would never drink from, and the silverware that wouldn’t be used.

I’d certainly had fish before but never tasted anything like what was served a few minutes later; something light and flakey with a lemony sauce. Even more, I never eat asparagus but I ate it this time and loved the way the dill and garlic blended together, somehow making it too good to miss.

In the meantime, my new-found uncle chatted on and on with my aunt about things he thought I’d be interested in, and I think he was kind of taken aback when I mentioned that I’d seen a few of the movies he’d stared in.

Neither of them asked any questions or made any attempt to bring up my past although I suspected they were curious. After all, I was the niece they really knew nothing about. Oh, I knew when to say please and thank you…but I also knew how to scream like a banshee, curse like a sailor, and walk away without saying a word. I’d done them all too many times to count.

When the night finally wound down I went back to my room, tired and more than ready for a good night’s sleep. I saw the album the moment I turned on the light. On top sat a note from my aunt. You are not who you’ve always thought you were Julianna. I know how you hate the world and how you still hide those feelings as best you can. Take your time to process all that has happened and if you have questions…just ask.

Inside were picture after picture of my mother as a baby, as a little girl with pigtails, as a teen with a crazy 80’s hair style, and as a young woman posing for her first shot as a model. There were also pictures of two sisters playing in some kind of treehouse, two sisters with their arms around each other, and others of the two of them with people I didn’t know. There was also one of my mother and father; a father that looked totally different from the one I remembered. I wanted to tear it to shreds and at the same time I wanted to ask him why…why he hated me so much.

By the time I finally crawled into bed, I was emotionally exhausted. When something under my pillow nudged my shoulder, I picked the pillow up…and an old scruffy bear looked at me. It was then that I remembered someone’s soft hand giving it to me and I knew without a doubt it had been my aunt. She’d apparently seen it inside the box with those letters that I’d brought with me. And even though part of me didn’t want him there, I fell asleep holding him in my arms.

Chapter 5

Someone peeked in on me around eight, but I was still wasn’t ready to face the day. For the next half hour, I tossed and turned until I finally gave up, got dressed, and headed to the kitchen ready for a strong cup of coffee. Seeing him sitting there with his head down while he and Susan talked made me want to turn around and slink back to my room. At least I’d combed my hair, brushed my teeth, and looked somewhat presentable because before I could, my aunt apparently saw me from the corner of her eye.

“There’s a full pot of hot coffee just waiting for you Jules, along with some donuts Brian brought.”

He turned then, looking at me with those eyes of his and I just knew I’d never seen a man as beautiful as he was. I literally screamed at myself then; will you stop with this bullshit of yours and just get a fucking cup of coffee. He’s just a man, you stupid bitch.

I mentally pinched myself as I headed toward them while trying my best to smile politely. The first few sips of coffee tasted like heaven and I kept my head down as the two of them continued to quietly discuss whatever they’d been talking about before I’d walked in.

“What a wonderful idea Brian. The three of us can have lunch and then find the perfect dress on Rodeo Drive. Tonight would be the perfect night to introduce Julianna to your friends. What do you think sweetie?” my aunt asked a moment later, as if I’d been listening to their conversation.

I must have sounded like an idiot when I looked at the two of them somewhat dumbfounded. “About what?”

“Brian owns a public relations firm and I’m sure you’d like to meet some of his clients, while I’d love to show you off. Every year he throws a little party for them and of course, your uncle and I go, because it’s always fun.”

“Um…I think I’d rather just stay here and…”

“Now don’t you dare finish that sentence,” my aunt stated before I could think of how to phrase what I wanted to say. “Brian is going to take us to lunch and oh how I love the Greek salads they make there. Anyway, afterwards we’ll go shopping. My first chance to buy clothes for a young lady, which makes me want to laugh out loud. Brian can either go with us, or do his own thing.”

The smile on her face was just too much and I damn well knew I couldn’t say no. Still, spending more time with this guy was going to be like hell and heaven all mixed up together somehow.

Four hours later, with a huge gyro almost totally gone, I was smiling without even realizing that I was. Susan and Brian were so fucking funny as the two of them bantered back and forth about him being a crazy teen, I’d somehow managed to let my guard down completely, and felt totally relaxed sitting there listening to the stories they came up with.

With the bill paid, the three of us headed up what I knew to be the swankiest street in LA. Why he was still tagging along bothered me, but right then I was too busy looking with my mouth hanging open to care. Three blocks up, my aunt pulled me into a store that seemed to be filled with lace, satin, and tight little dresses that didn’t leave a lot to the imagination. I must have tried on seven or eight of them, embarrassed that my skin was so damn dull and untanned like everyone else’s seemed to be.

The last one made my heart stutter, only because I didn’t look like me any longer. The shimmer of the green changed when I moved, bringing out shades of purple and it was so tight it felt as if the fabric was attached to my skin.

“Perfect, that one is perfect Mary,” my aunt said a moment later. “Now how about some nice outfits just to lounge around in…I love the ivory one in the window and the black sundress with the wild flowers also. Do you have those in my niece’s size?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but instead Brian caught my eye and winked…totally throwing me off and damn if I didn’t blush like a stupid kid.

“She’s having fun,” he almost whispered. “And you looked fantastic in everything you tried on.”

An hour later, I walked out with two new pairs of shoes, four outfits and that dress…which cost my aunt more than I’d ever made, even after months of working. I felt guilty and knew I could never repay her, but at the same time she was smiling as if she’d just won the lottery.

Finally heading back to the car, Brian suddenly stopped dead in his tracks as he looked in the window of another shop. He looked at Susan, who looked back at him with her eyebrows raised. And then she grinned this giant grin, nodding. Of course, I was too busy gawking to notice what they were looking at specifically and waited outside while he ran in and came back with a small bag full of something that was none of my business.

Apparently, the day wasn’t over. Parked behind us was a silver car, maybe a BMW. As Brian walked toward it, he smiled, said ‘see you both tonight’, got in and immediately drove away. And instead of going back to my aunt’s, the two of us ended up at a spa where we had manicures and our hair done, with mine ending up being styled so that I didn’t recognize the person looking back in the mirror. The curls weren’t gone, but instead of being all over the place, they fell in waves over my shoulders. We’d even had our makeup done and finally a photo taken of the two of us, grinning at the camera.

“I just don’t know what to say…how to thank you for today,” I said as the two of us headed toward the freeway and her home.

“Julianna, this was the perfect day for me. Doing something like this with you made me feel young again. I used to dream of doing this with my own daughter, but because of fate, or maybe my own stupidity, I was never able to conceive. On top of that, I hate trying to look good when we go to one of Brian’s parties. I just can’t do what they do here and I feel ten years younger than I did before we walked in.”

I was unsure as to whether I should console her about never having kids or just thank her again, so I smiled and then stared out the window.

“You know, before Bess met your father, I was the wild child while she was the one who always followed the rules. Snorted coke, ran with a bunch of porn stars, and didn’t eat much…too busy having fun. A few weeks before they met, she pushed me to come to a shoot. Because of all the shit I was doing, I’d lost a lot of weight and out of nowhere, the magazine she was posing for asked me to come in for a session to see how I looked on film. Lord, I almost lost that chance but Bess found me in that crap-ass apartment I lived in, sobered me up, got me in the shower, and then forced me to get dressed. It was your mom that made my life totally different than where I’d been headed.”

By now, I was listening intently, wondering what else I’d learn about their past, and was looking at her. Someone blew their horn and my aunt put down her window, said ‘fuck you’ as some guy passed us, rolled it up again and then laughed.

“Anyway,” she stated a moment later, “Cliff came along and I kind of took her place. He didn’t like her posing in underwear, or a bikini, not matter the brand or how much she’d make.”

While she finished with that last statement, I was thinking to myself that Susan was more like me than I realized. She didn’t take any shit from people whether she was in the wrong or not…because in fact, she’d pulled into another lane right in front of the guy who’d honked at her, and I did the same thing, especially if they were going too damn slow.

I smiled at her then, and she smiled right back. “Stupid piss ant, too busy on his cell to drive and then speeds up and passes me just to be a jerk.”

For a few minutes neither of us said anything, until I finally laughed and said, “To be honest, I’d have done the same thing he did. After all, you cut him off.”

“Oh, you noticed that…well hell, it’s expected at my age and it’s a challenge; seeing whether I can do it without denting a fender.”

By then, I had my foot on an imaginary brake, praying we’d get back to her place without any fender benders…or something even worse.

Since dinner was being served buffet style at whatever it was we were going to, my ‘new’ uncle and aunt sat, listening to music for an hour or so while I wandered around until it was time to get dressed. And when I walked out, feeling kind of strange, my uncle whistled while his eyebrows danced around and my aunt just smiled this smile that made me feel maybe proud and a bit off kilter.

“Oh my, you look absolutely stunning. Hold on just a minute and let me get that little bag Brian insisted on.”

In the meantime, my uncle just shook his head, laughing to himself, while I stood there remembering his son’s little trip inside that shop.

“Here, now turn around while I put this on you,” Susan said a minute later, as her hands began to place a necklace around me until it sat just above my collar bone. Immediately, she pushed me toward a large mirror above the couch while I blushed until I was more than likely beet red.

Silver, made to look like little raindrops or tears fell from a thin chain, until in the middle sat a beautiful, deep purple stone, also shaped like a tear.

“No, don’t say a word,” she stated as she opened another little box that held earrings, matching the silver tears with a much smaller purple stone hanging from the bottom. “Tonight just might be the best night I’ve had in years, and you made it happen.”

I wanted to cry. I wanted to jerk it off my neck…and yet I felt this incessant need to hug her. Instead, I just stood there staring at a girl I didn’t know.

When Brian, the older Brian, finally came to stand behind us, I felt his hand on my shoulder and watched as the other one found my aunt’s.

“The two of you look so much alike it’s amazing. And I have a feeling I’m going to be questioned again and again as to who this beautiful young lady is. Ha,” he said, grinning at the two of us through the mirror, “perhaps I should bring the prop I used in Valor…it’s a fake sword, but it might keep the wolves at bay.”

My aunt grinned back at him then. “No sword sweetheart…but we’ll need to keep an eye on her.”

“Thank you,” I finally said, trying not to cry. “And neither of you need to worry about the wolves. I just give them my ‘special sneer’ and they always roll their eyes and walk away.”

They both laughed at my words, while the three of us continued to look through that mirror, until my uncle said, “Well the limo’s here and I happen to have two of the best-looking women in the world on my arms. Shall we go?”

“Don’t forget the earrings,” my aunt said. And I stopped for just a moment, pushing each one through the little hole in the lobe of my ear.

“Just beautiful,” I heard her say, while I walked beside them, positive I was lost in some crazy dream…a dream unlike any I’d ever had before.

Chapter 6

Forty minutes later, a young man dressed kind of like an usher in a theater, opened the limo door, and waited politely as the three of us got out. I tried, oh God how I tried not to stare. And then I almost gaped, seeing the lead singer in a band that I loved walk right past me, followed by a woman who’d been in a sit-com that I still watched re-runs of. Well crap and double crap, I said under my breath, while my uncle held both of our arms, leading us into a beautiful restaurant, apparently rented for this specific occasion.

Totally out of my comfort zone, I think I stood there for what seems like hours, trying not to look at anyone. Instead, I noticed the décor; kind of French I guessed, with dark walnut running half way up the walls, and what seemed like a hundred lights, making it brighter than I suspected it usually was.

People milled around, making small talk until suddenly we were surrounded by four of my uncle’s co-stars from long ago. Some were still handsome and some were overweight. My aunt smiled as they talked, and then she introduced me, while I of course, could only stutter a short hello…because for some reason I was laughing inside, wondering if I should maybe curtsey.

We slowly made our way through the crowd, stopping every now and then while the two people with me said a few words, and always making a point of telling each one exactly who I was…their beautiful niece, visiting them for a while, while they tried to talk me into staying.

Finally stopping toward the back of the room, I watched the line of people serving themselves from what looked like an endless array of food. And then my stomach growled, seeing the rare roast beef and a hundred snow crab legs, waiting to be devoured.

“You hungry?”

I heard his voice, but didn’t turn around. Instead, I nodded and then replied to his question, afraid to look behind me…because I could smell his scent; a smell so tantalizing that suddenly I wanted him for dinner instead of the crab dipped in butter.

“Probably, but who wouldn’t be with all that food,” I finally stated, watching as my aunt and uncle moved toward what apparently were friends of theirs, leaving me to fend for myself for a few minutes.

I turned, facing him while I pasted on a smile, afraid that if I didn’t I’d blush like an idiot. His eyes looked me over as a little grin appeared, spreading across his face. “Come on then, let’s eat before it’s all gone,” he stated, taking my hand as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Behind the buffet were dozens of tables, with people sitting in little groups, talking as they ate. My ‘once was cousin’ found the farthest one from the talkers, while goose bumps rose on my arms. “I’ll just go tell Susan where we are,” I said, almost afraid to sit with him, so far from those people he’d invited…people he knew, which was so beyond me, that I wondered once again what the hell I was doing there.

“Don’t bother,” he replied, watching me with a smile still lingering on that very hot face of his. “They have probably twenty people to gossip with, and I’m sure she knows you’re in safe hands.”

Safe hands…hands that I somehow wanted all over me. Shut the fuck up, I said silently to myself while I stared down at the four crab legs, wondering if I had the courage to just pick them up and crack them with my fingers, and then realizing that I wasn’t very hungry after all.

I picked at my roast beef while he tackled his own crab. From the corner of my eye, I watched as he pulled a piece of meat from a leg, dipped it into a small bowl of butter and sucked the flavor from it slowly. I looked down then, wishing I hadn’t seen him do that…or maybe wishing it had been my own finger in his mouth.

“Thank you,” I finally said, still unable to look him in the eye. “I know the necklace and earrings came from you. I’ve never…well, guys just don’t do that type of shit where I come from.”

He looked up at me while raising one of his eyebrows. “Must all be blind then. Or too stupid to see what’s in front of them.” He grinned at me and then continued, “That’s all I’m going to say at the moment, but Scotch barked a ‘hello’ to you, when I mentioned that we’d met again.”

“I don’t get along well with men Brian. Don’t get me wrong…I’ve never swung the other way but every time I’ve gone out with one, I see the bruises on my mother’s face and hear the two of them screaming at each other. It’s not worth it…rather be alone than face that kind of shit.”

“Have you ever thought about getting some help with the pain…and your memories?”

“Help…fuck! They threw me into that when I was thirteen. Problem was the damn doctor put his hands on me. I went screaming out of there, and of course, I ended up in trouble with my so called social worker who believed that I’d made it all up.”

My appetite was gone and I wanted nothing more than to leave immediately because I’d opened my stupid mouth and said stuff that only I knew about.

Brian’s hand reached out to mine, squeezing it until it almost hurt. His face was filled with anger and for just a moment I thought I saw his eyes well up with tears. “I don’t have any words Jules. And I won’t say anything to Susan or dad. I only wish…”

He never finished that sentence. Instead, he moved his food around, eating a little here and there until I finally stood up and excused myself.

Two hours later my uncle found me sipping a soda at a bar that had been set up specifically for the occasion. “You ready to head home?” he asked, grinning down at me.

“To be honest,” I said, trying my best to smile, “I’m totally in awe of the people I’ve seen and more than ready to head back to reality.”

“Hey, they’re just people. Some of them are real jerks, while others would give you the shirt off their back if you asked.”

After finding my aunt, who’d been caught up in a conversation about something she was apparently involved in, the three of us waited until our limo pulled up, scooted in, and headed back to their home.

Of course, I oohed and awed my way through the ride, just because I knew it was expected. And when Brian asked if I enjoyed my meal with his son, I lied and said that crab legs were one of my favorite foods and dinner had been great.

The next morning Maddie knocked on my bedroom door, asked for the keys to my car, and then thanked me when I handed them over, knowing exactly why she wanted them. The guy was there to pick it up, drive it to Sal’s, and do the ‘beauty thing’ to it.

That afternoon my aunt and I sat and looked at the album she’d left in my room. I found out that the people I didn’t recognize were my grandparents, and a great uncle, while the cat my mother held in one had been called Wacky because he was forever jumping out of the windows on the second floor while trying to catch one of the many birds that nested in the nearby trees.

Somewhere inside, I wished that I had known her, known the woman she’d been before she met my father. Susan had so many stories regarding the two of them, I wanted to see her as she’d been as a kid and a teenager for a change. My own memories were always either sad or angry ones, with only a few of her smiles scattered in between all the rest.

Dinner was once again, I’m sure, delicious but for some reason I really didn’t taste it. Instead I just chewed and swallowed. Inside I was thinking about Brian, while at the same time telling myself that I was an ass for being honest and was in fact thrilled he hadn’t stopped by.

Susan came out the following morning sighing. “Damn stupid lawyers! Poor Brian has been working on getting the rights to a book for over a year. And when it’s finally almost in his pocket, the author decided he wanted another fifty grand…I guess he’s going to fly to New York for a day or so. He’s already started on the script with his own writer, believing he had it.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe you should go with him for good luck.” I said, trying to be upbeat. To be honest, I was maybe angry at myself and just wanted to be left alone.

“Oh, I could never do that. What would you do while we were gone? And Julianna we promised each other a week. Now that’s half way gone and…and I want to get to know you better. I don’t want you to leave and if I were to go I have a feeling that’s exactly what would happen.”

She sat down and hugged me then, as if I was the one who could make it all go away. I still wanted to leave…but part of me wanted to stay and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.

“I promise I’ll be here,” I finally said, looking back at her. “Two days or even a few more isn’t long. Anyway, I don’t have a car…so how can I go anywhere?”

“Oh, thank you! Brian has always counted on me to go with him when he flies. He hates planes and usually holds my hand during takeoff and landing. Poor baby turns as white as a sheet when we hit those pockets of air and the plane loses a little altitude.”

After pulling a few strings, strings my uncle seemed to have quite a lot of, the two of them left a few hours later.

Chapter 7

I wandered around the backyard, just as the sun began to set, enjoying the solitude and the lack of other people talking about stuff I only half understood. I even sat beside the pool for a while, allowing my feet to drift in the water.

Inside, I was thinking about how this house was really a home; a home that just seemed to emit the love my aunt and uncle had for each other. Almost every table had two or three pictures of them; some when they were both much younger and others that were more recent. The somewhat formal portrait that hung in the dining room included Brian as a kid. He was probably about fourteen or so when it had been taken, but even then, you could tell he’d be a total hunk as an adult…and then I almost bit my tongue, hating the fact that my fucked-up head kept bringing him up without me wanting it to.

Susan finally called my phone around nine, letting me know that they had arrived safely, and reminding me for the third time that she’d called all the shops we’d been to, extending me credit for whatever I wanted…or needed to buy. I laughed at that, telling her I had no car and would probably get lost anyway. And then I went to sleep, holding that damn bear like I was a little girl again.

The next morning Maddie had a pot of coffee waiting for me, which felt strange since I’d always made my own. And not long after, a plate of bacon and eggs were put in front of me. I thanked her probably a half dozen times as I devoured them and my stomach smiled at being filled once again.

Later, I walked to the beach in that little black sundress full of flowers. And this time the water felt warmer, maybe because the shallow area seemed to go out for quite a bit before gradually getting deeper. By the time I got back, my car was sitting in the driveway. For some reason I laughed out loud, because it seemed to be sneering at me while saying, ‘see what you’ve been missing…I’m quite cute now, aren’t I’? Somehow, they’d made the paint; the same paint that had probably been there from the get go, look almost new. Even the hubcaps seemed to gleam in the light of day. I opened the driver’s side door and found my keys waiting, along with a totally clean interior. Both seats in the front had small tears, which were now erased by black seat covers with silver stitched dolphins that seemed to be dancing in the waves.

A message waited for me on my phone, when I finally went to the wing I’d been given. It was Susan once again, saying that things seemed to be working out and that they would more than likely be home late tomorrow evening. I realized I was smiling as I sat the phone down beside my bed…and then out of nowhere I started to cry like I was three again.