First Love

He always had that look of an accomplished artist, even at the age of 15, I remember. And that sparkle in his oceanic eyes, always fresh and intensely deep. It would be one of my biggest regrets in life. Not to have told him how much I adored him. I just couldn’t pluck up enough courage, I was so hung up over my own inadequacies as a teenager. I guess that’s because he was the first boy I ever really loved. We hardly spoke. Most of the time he just stared at me, like I was some outer space creature he wanted to understand. No-one had noticed me in this way before. No-one ever acknowledged me with such presence before. I was astounded and simply mesmerized by his beauty. He was a talented artist and he wrote such amazing stories. I felt like he was made just for me! He literally made my knees go weak. I didn’t know why he would do the things he would do. Sometimes he would come over and just put his arm around me and we just walked together between classes and then his mates would come and start laughing so he would leave me. One day he was a trouble-maker in history class so as ‘punishment’ the teacher sent him over to sit next to me. I thought God help me, it’s going to be such a punishment for me, he came over, grinning. And whole way through the lesson continued to stare at me. I told him he was being rude, staring like that. He just smiled and stared anyway, my friends opposite us were giggling.

Often in art class he would come over and just look into my eyes, just stand there and stare! I felt so embarrassed I could never meet his gaze for long, my cheeks always burnt, his one look made me feel like I was floating in the clouds. There was so much passion in just a look, I never knew that until then. And I have never experienced that again. The intensity of passion conveyed in just a look, just between two pair of eyes-it was like really seeing someone for the first time, in totality. And no man has ever looked at me in that complete way as this boy had. Suddenly one day, he came over and asked me out. Everyone started laughing, he kept staring at me for a response. I was mortified and just said no. I can’t believe I said no! why did I say no, I still don’t know! I adored him absolutely. I guess I felt I didn’t deserve his affection. Sometimes I think if only I could have told him how much I wanted to say yes. I would reach some closure, even now if he turned up, I would tell him, how much I adored him. I imagine he is happily married with two beautiful kids. And I imagine meeting him and looking into those sparkling eyes and telling him all this and I imagine he would laugh probably and say something like, well, I never knew you took my flirtation so seriously, I was probably staring at all the other girls too and going out with at least four of them at the same time!!