Freedom From Fear
Fighting it is Futile — Surrender to Love and Win
Turn Instead to Love
Fear only wields the power we allow it. Fighting it only gives it more power, because, in the fight, we acknowledge it. Gonna lose that fight every time, probably at the moment we think we won, and we raise our hands in the air in triumph, then boom — because we believed in it enough to think it was something we could beat, it turns around and beats us.
The key to conquering fear, I believe, is to stop acknowledging it, altogether. Surrender. Admit that it was all in our head. Freedom lies in understanding that. Turn instead to love. Trust that love is greater than fear, and fear slowly dissolves, gets laughed out of countenance, stops being the bogie man we feel is waiting just around the corner if we don’t remain vigilant. That’s not freedom. That’s living in fear.
Feedback to a Friend
I was freed from that fear a long time ago. I am reminded of my feedback to an old friend who’d asked me to review and edit a book he wrote some time ago. His book was about a pivotal moment in the coming of age of a 12 Step fellowship.
He had played a significant role in the development of some of that fellowship’s literature, especially in the language used in the literature. His impact, I believe, had a lot to do with making that fellowship much more inclusive. It helped a lot of sick people find the help they needed in that fellowship.
In my review, I pointed out a few places in his book where I felt he was still acknowledging the fear of the addiction that fellowship was in the business of overcoming.
I tried bringing it to his attention, but the fear of the addiction was still great, and I believed the pride of feeling like he’d been part of something that conquered it too strong, to be able to hear what I was trying to point out. We went back and forth some, in emails on the subject, before I backed off, realizing I probably wasn’t going to convince him.
Discovering Why I Am Here
Now, in a surprising twist of fate, I find myself becoming a part of that same fellowship, again, after all these years away from it. I know in my heart that I am back there for a reason. I feel like I am supposed to be. I just don’t have the full picture yet of the how and the why. That is yet to be revealed. I just show up every day, and hope to let it unfold, without getting in the way of that unfoldment, too much.
I’m feeling like I almost got sucked back into the fear part of it. Someone who is helping me to catch up on what I missed while I was gone, has kind of taken me “under their wing” to learn this program’s way of dealing with the addiction.
I’m open to this process, as I am realizing there might have been a few things I missed when I was last a part of it since I was not really well at the time. While I’m discovering a lot of interesting aspects to it that I am finding helpful, one of the things I’m also realizing is, at the heart of “their way” remains this fear-based aspect.
Been There, Done That
I know that isn’t the answer. I know that now. I’d almost forgotten it. In my desire to fit in, a part of me was ready to buy into it. But, I just don’t have room for that fear in my life today.
Having experienced the freedom of living without that fear, I find the yoke it forces on my shoulders just too heavy to handle. Saddled with that, I will find myself doing anything to bust out of it. No thank you — been there, done that.
What helped me to catch this was when they shared a journaling guide they’d developed many years ago. It struck a familiar chord when I looked at it. I looked at their copyright date on it. This was the same guide, or something awfully similar to it, that I tried using years ago before I’d found recovery from addiction when I was previously in this fellowship.
It was part of what drove me crazy, drove me over the edge, part of what I was rebelling against when I went a little crazy back then. I’d forgotten all about it, or at least about its impact on me. It was that final missing piece that got me to see what’s going on, here.
Picking Up Some Clues
I’m not one to say I know exactly what I’m doing here. But I will say that I’m picking up a few clues, and this was one of them. I’m glad it revealed itself to me, in my reaction to that inventory guide.
This person has a great deal of influence in this fellowship — they proudly shared a podcast they’d done, that went out to 139 different countries, promoting a guide they wrote years ago for going through the recovery process. That one’s a pretty damn good guide. It provides a simple but effective way to use the fellowship’s literature to help newcomers go through the recovery process, the 12 Steps.
Perhaps I’m here to help them see what I tried to help my friend see, some ten or so years ago. Maybe I’m in a better position to convey the point, now? Maybe I’m completely off about this, but upon this early morning rising, it seems to be what’s wafting through the fog of my waking thoughts. I’m just trying to get it down before it wafts away. We’ll see where it leads.
Interesting Ride — Fascinating People
One thing is for certain — it’s an interesting ride. I’m getting to know some people I find fascinating and making some new friendships I value and cherish. If I get to have a positive impact on choosing love over fear while I’m here, then I’ll chalk it up as a bonus, and thank my Higher Power for leading me to this juncture in my journey. It’s great to be here — great to be alive!
