How Long?

I had a surgical operation on my lower left jaw last week. I was losing bone mass in the jawbone around two molar implants on the lower left row of teeth. Apparently, the titanium screws that hold them in place developed an infection in the bone — must have been something in the fine print I didn’t read when I got those implants eleven years ago, that this was a possibility.

The periodontist said she’d tried to save the one implant, but she was unable to. She had to fill the big hole it left in the remaining bone, then try to build the bone up where it had deteriorated, as well as reinforce the bone around the other implant. It wound up being an extensive operation.

I had been expecting to miss work the day I had the surgery, then resume normal activities the following day. Uhh, not quite. The pain levels post-surgery were such that I didn’t go anywhere for three days. By the fourth day, I felt okay to return to work and resume normal activity, but after a few days of that, the pain returned with a vengeance.

I went back to the doctor Monday to make sure the surgical area hadn’t become infected. It was fine, but she strongly advised that I rest up until Friday, when I’ll see her again to remove the sutures and check on the healing. So, I’ve been home again the past two days.

The pain remained intense until yesterday afternoon, when it began to subside, just a bit. It still woke me up at 3:00 a.m., and there was no getting back to sleep. I haven’t slept through the night in ten days now, since the surgery.

I thought about it last week, but didn’t follow up after I returned to work on Thursday. This week, I finally made the call, to my favorite benefits person, who used to work for me, to run my retirement numbers. She did this for me five years ago, when I was miserable and Kathy got laid off from her job of sixteen years, and we weren’t sure if she’d find something to replace her income. They gave us a lot of peace of mind. The numbers told us that, if we had to, we could sell everything off here, and go live comfortably in South Carolina on my retirement income. But, she found a great job, close to home, and we forgot about it.

This time, the numbers say I could retire at the end of this year, and without needing to get a full-time job, could continue to live comfortably in this area, without selling anything off. I’d probably still have to do something to supplement the income, but I could at least semi-retire.

Don’t get me wrong — I still love what I do. What I do makes a difference. But, more and more lately, I’ve had a couple of other thoughts — is this still the WAY I want to make a difference? It’s been harder and harder to answer that question with a straight face. I tell myself I don’t serve this administration, I serve the people, and that is true. But, it is also true that, no matter how I slice it or dice it, I also serve this administration.

And, I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do that, in good conscience. Because of my position, I can’t really speak out about what is going on in the world, as it relates to this administration. I simply can’t. Not even as I write this piece.

I’m just not sure how much longer I can do the spiritual jujitsu that this requires. How much longer can I be an ostrich, with my moral and ethical head in the sand, while all of this goes on around me?

How long — how long must we sing this song? How long…how long.

I’m just not sure. But, it is good to know that I have options.