Impossibly Smitten by Hawkeye Pete Egan B.

Perish is the word that more than applies

To the hope in my heart each time I realize

That I am not gonna be the one to share your dreams

That I am not gonna be the one to share your schemes

That I am not gonna be the one to share what seems to be

The life that you could cherish as much as I do yours

Oh, I’m beginning to think that man has never found

The words that could make you want me

That have the right amount of letters, just the right sound

That could make you hear, make you see

That you are driving me out of my mind

Oh, I could say I need you, but then you’d realize

That I want you, just like a thousand other guys

Who’d say they loved you with all the rest of their lies

When all they wanted was to touch your face, your hands

And gaze into your eyes”

by Terry Kirkman, from “Cherish” — the Association

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — When school started up that fall, I started attending South Hills High, the coed public high school over on Mt.Washington. It was much different than I’d thought it would be. The place was huge — over 3,000 students. I knew a grand total of one of them — my friend Cy. Darrel had gone on to college in Steubenville, Ohio. Socially, I was starting from zero there, while these kids had all been in school together, some for four years, some for twelve. That was weird enough. But the other factor working against me was, the last time I went to school with girls was the 8th grade. Suddenly, I felt like that self-conscious 8th grader I’d been then, all over again. I was not expecting that!

I was expecting to walk in, and be instantly this cool new kid, who everyone wanted to get to know. I should be brimming over with self-confidence and debonaire — I had, after all, danced with Tina Turner! But, that self-confidence was dreadfully missing. I felt like I was at the very bottom of the social rung there, and saw no way of climbing up from there.

I told myself I didn’t give a shit about any of that, but I really did. I wanted to be somebody, there. I wanted to leave a mark — do something that folks would remember me by. I’d finally gotten my opportunity to attend a real school, with girls and interesting things going on, and I was getting all self-conscious and withdrawn, right off the bat.

What was wrong with me? I retreated to a little alcove outside one of the back exits from the school, just above the football field, where I would smoke cigarettes, the occasional joint, and cut classes. I slowly got to know some of the other slackers that hung out there. That’s it, I decided — I must just be one of the slackers. That’s where I belonged — that was my niche, here. O.K. — whatever. Just get me through this ordeal.

The first few weeks there were such a drag. Then, I saw this girl, whose name, I discovered, was Monika. I would see her each morning walking down the school hall, past my locker. I became instantly smitten with her. She was drop-dead gorgeous, but seemed delightfully spunky, too.

One time, as I gazed in awe at her, thinking I was doing it slyly enough that she wouldn’t notice me, she looked right over at me, caught my eye, and smiled as she breezed past me. That had me going for days — ‘she noticed me! She smiled at me!’

‘How pathetic’, I thought! ‘She was just being nice’. She didn’t know me from shinola, and had no reason to ever want to get to know me. I was just this nobody-slacker-loser-dude.

She was clearly one of the popular girls in the school — I would learn that she was dating the quarterback of the football team, and was a cheerleader, herself. I didn’t generally go for the cheerleader types, but she was different. She had a real genuine spark. I would have given anything to be able to take this girl out. Of course, that was beyond impossible. She was all the way up at the top of the social hierarchy of that huge institution, while I was way down in the basement, and out the back door, smoking butts and joints with my fellow slacker buddies, while cutting classes. Fat chance, kid!

Meanwhile, my job at the Red Bull Inn was still going great. I’d been there for seven months without doing anything stupid. There, I was completely in my element. Everyone knew me, I was confident, and my sense of humor was in full force. I was very comfortable just being myself, there.

They had a big Christmas party for the service crew. There was music, dancing, beer, good food — we all got along great, most of us liked working there, so it was sure to be a good time.

My friend Gordy’s little sister, Micky was working there at that point, on Salad Prep. His mother was also a waitress there. I got along great with the whole family. Just as the party started to roll, I looked over, and in walked Micky with someone I never expected to see in that place — Monika!

‘Holy cow, what’s she doing here?’, I wondered. Turns out, they were best friends! Micky introduced Monika to me, and said some very complimentary things to her about me. Monika flashed that smile at me, that just melted my heart, and I was high as a kite, and hadn’t had anything to drink or smoke, yet! I could not believe my luck!

At school, I was totally intimidated by this little goddess, but here, on my turf, she looked up to me. Her best friend had told her I was cool, so I was cool, in her eyes. What a difference that had made! It seemed I could do no wrong that night. She laughed at my jokes, and seemed to really like being with me.

We danced, and spent most of the evening together. She was going to be staying over at Micky’s place that night. Micky suggested that I drive her over there. I learned that Monika had broken up with the quarterback. She was not dating anyone.

Man, it just kept getting better! We got to Micky’s place well ahead of everyone else, and we spent the next half hour or so talking and making out on the sofa in their living room. It was the best night of my life, up to that point. I could not have been any higher than I was, just on my incredible good fortune to be with this girl I had pined for, for months. I asked her if she’d like to go out, and she said “definitely”. She gave me her number, and said to call her.

I floated home on cloud 9. I felt like I had finally “arrived” — where I had arrived, I had no idea, but I felt like I was suddenly “there”.

Originally published at cowbird.com.