Mom Steps In

A Life-Changing Decision

I always joked that it was hard to come up with something new that none of my older siblings had ever done. There were five of them, and they were all over-achievers in their own rights — even Brian, who might not have over-achieved in school, but he was quite the mechanic, and from my perspective, always seemed to have luck with the ladies.

He had a gorgeous, cool girl friend who reminded me of the chick from the Mod Squad, and he knew how to treat her. I just felt like I was a regular guy misplaced in this family of over-achievers. The keg party I threw in the family house was that thing that nobody before me had demonstrated the audacity to pull off. I was rather proud of this accomplishment! It was right up there with getting banned from a college campus (they didn’t know about that one, so it didn’t really count. I wasn’t planning to tell them about it, either!) But, I knew there were going to be consequences for this one. It was so far over the top!

But, oh, man, was it ever great! I was still on a high about the whole thing the next day, when I sat down with Mom for our talk. It had very definitively put me on the map of people who were “in” at school. Everyone would be talking about that party for weeks! It had really hit the mark, in terms of something to break up the winter doldrums! But, I had a price to pay.

I was expecting her to be mad as a bee, and to ground me forever. I had never really been grounded before. My parents weren’t big into grounding. Whatever it was, I figured it was going to be bad, and braced myself for the worst. I would try to act as contrite as I could, and just take whatever lumps I had coming. They were moving away soon, anyway, and I’d be on my own, so whatever it was, bring it. I could take it.

However, Mom surprised me. She didn’t act like she was mad at all. She was as calm as could be — actually, she was disarmingly cool. She was also very serious. There was a gravity about her words as she spoke to me. I was about to see a side of my mother that I had never seen before.

These days, they would call what she did, single-handedly with me, an intervention. Back then, it was just Mom doing what she did best. I knew that she had been an alcoholic, and that she had gotten over it. I was 9 when she found the AA program, through her brother, Pat. I knew the impact that had had on my life. She seemed like she really came alive that year.

That just happened to also be the year that I started to lick my own bed-wetting problem. Mom had been very instrumental in helping me to get over that. From that point, when she got sober, I could feel her in my corner. She did everything she could to help me — she really engaged with me, in a most supportive way, and that was the key. I hadn’t felt that from her before — I had always felt like she was just disappointed in me, and maybe even ashamed of me. Not by what she said, but I could kind of tell that she was. I was tuned into her. But after she got sober, that all changed, and I had licked the bedwetting, as a result.

Now, as we talked, I really felt like she was back in my corner again. She started by talking to me about my drinking and drug use. She didn’t say that I had a problem with either. Instead, she simply pointed out some of the poor decisions I seemed to be making lately — like the party — and the fact that I was really tanking at school. I really was, too. It was becoming more and more doubtful that I’d be able to graduate in June. I was pulling all D’s and F’s, and there was only 4 months left to turn things around. She said that all of these things seemed to coincide with my increased level and frequency of partying.

She was right. I had to admit it. I didn’t care about all of those things, but maybe that was part of why I didn’t care. I hadn’t really thought about it in that light before, but something about the way she was talking to me, I got that unexpected insight.

She talked a little bit about her own drinking. She’d never talked to me about that before. It felt like a real honor that she opened up to me about herself, like that. Her main point was that she wanted me to know that she understood what I was going through, and just wanted to help me, before I screwed things up too badly. She didn’t want me to start life on my own with such a severe handicap, that I’d never recover from it.

She said that she and my father had talked it over, and they didn’t feel like I was ready to be on my own, just yet. (They were getting ready to move to Connecticut the following month, in March. Dad had gotten a big promotion to the home office there — he worked for a prominent insurance company. They were going to let me stay behind in Pittsburgh to finish up high school, before I’d pulled my stunt. I’d been hoping to move in with brother Brian, who was going to be getting his own apartment. The details of that hadn’t been settled just yet, but it had been my hope to talk him in to taking me in).

They had already been concerned about that, but since the big party, they just didn’t think I was ready to be on my own. But, here was the kicker. She didn’t say I couldn’t stay behind. She said, “This will be your decision to make, not ours. If you decide to stay, you’ll be on your own. We won’t be able to help you, if you have any trouble making it work out. You won’t be welcome to move back home with us, once you decide to move out, should that be your decision. You’ll either have to grow up in a hurry, or you’ll sink fast. If you don’t graduate, you won’t be able to go into the Navy. Then, what will you do?

“On the other hand, if you come with us, you can wipe the slate clean, and start all over again. I honestly think you’ll have a better chance graduating if you switch schools, at this point. That school has not been good for you. You’ll have fewer distractions in Connecticut. We’ll all be in the same boat — you, me, Ken, Mary and your father. We would really love it if you’ll join us in this new adventure. But, we’re not going to make you go. You don’t have to decide now, but you’ll have to make a decision by the end of the week.”

I was completely disarmed by this conversation. I felt adventurous. I felt like she was challenging me — like she still thought I could do something positive with my life. I hadn’t felt that, from either of my parents, in quite awhile. I really thought they’d already written me off as their hopeless son who would end up as a ne’er-do-well.

It was refreshing. I got swept up in that moment, and said, “I don’t need any time to think about it, Mom. You’re right. I’ve been making a lot of bad decisions. I just haven’t cared. But, I’d like to be part of the family, again. I’m up for an adventure. I’m coming with you guys. Let’s go have an adventure together.”

“Good decision, Pete!” She was still quite serious, but she actually let me hug her. Mom was not much of a hugger. But I really felt close to her, in that moment, and I felt like something significant had just happened. I had no idea how significant it was. That decision changed my life.

But, then — don’t they all?

I love you, Mom — I was so lucky to have a Mom like you.