Reflection
Getting Good at Nothing at All!
I’m supposed to be doing nothing at all. After a busy hectic month in January, I kind of welcome nothing at all. Right now, there’s nothing at all that I’d rather do more. It’s nothing, really — nothing at all!
I think of all those times I’d wished I had nothing at all to do — well, my dreams have come true! It’s doctor’s orders. I have a license to be lazy a.f. I feel like I’m up to this — up to nothing at all.
I’m used to working full time, and working with people from all over the world virtually weekly in my free time. The doctor said to shut it all down for now. I thought it would be a lot harder to do, but it hasn’t been, which tells me I needed to do this. My health condition is just a good excuse to shut it all down and do a little bit of self-reflection.
One of the first things that emerged as I reflected was, I’ve gone and done it again — spread myself entirely too thin. Every now and again, I make this discovery, and every time I do, I ask myself, “how did you get here?” The answer is, it always creeps up on me, and gets me while I’m not looking.
The health condition is a little problem of proper flow of blood to my heart. It seems like it’s come on all of a sudden in the past month. Through the second half of last year, I was walking 5–6 miles a day without breaking a sweat, ever since we got this very cool yellow labrador named Daisy Mae in July. Daisy loves to walk, and together we’ve walked all over this historic town, through many a woods, some great parks down by the river, and neither one of us ever getting tired of it. The only reason we’d head back home was time — I had other things I was supposed to be doing. Daisy could’ve just kept on going.
Daisy needed to get spayed in early December, so we suspended our walks for a few weeks while she recovered from that procedure. Upon resumption of our favorite activity, I started noticing a shortness of breath after a half mile or so. At first, I would push through that, chaulking it up to being out of shape from not walking for a few weeks.
But then it started to include a weird feeling in my chest. I started to acknowledge that, and make my way back as soon as I felt it. It would always subside once I sat down. Then it started happening after only a quarter mile, then when I got up to the top of my driveway, just beginning a walk! That’s when it really got my attention. I made an appointment with my family doctor.
I was walking very slowly, like an old man ( a really old man, not just 68, which I am), and was able to do that without bringing on the weird feeling in my chest. But, when the dog did her business, as I stooped down to pick it up, I fell! I simply lost my balance. I hoped nobody saw that! When I reported this, I lost my job walking the dog. We got someone to come by every day to walk her.
They sent me to a cardiologist with instructions to do nothing until then. No physical exertion of any kind, and reduce any stress-inducing activities in my life until they get to the bottom of this. So, I don’t feel like I have much stress-inducing activities in my life, but when I really looked at it, honestly, I had lots of stress-inducing activities — a lot of what I would normally call “good stress”, but stress, nonetheless.
During the month of January I was actually wearing three hats at work for the first couple weeks. My boss got married and went on her honeymoon, while a director who worked for me retired. I inherited her staff and all their activities until I could fill behind her. Then, on top of wearing the three, and then two, hats, I also had to do everything involved in announcing the vacancy, reviewing 35 resumes, convening an interview panel to interview the top 9, then conducting follow-up interviews of the top 3. Then I had to document everything I did in the process and submit it all up to the front office for approval of my selection. The sooner I got this all done, the sooner I would be able to doff the second hat I was still wearing.
Now, I’m wearing no hats. I was able to finish the above-mentioned process, so soon there will be someone to handle that staff and all its activities. I’ll have to train them, of course, but will be so happy to do that! But, for now, there’s none of that. There’s nothing, actually. I am to do nothing — nothing at all.
I saw the cardiologist today. He said to continue doing nothing until Monday, when they will go in through my wrist with a wire and a camera, to scope out what’s going on around my heart. They call it a heart catheterization. If they determine it needs one, they’ll install a stent in my heart. Or, they might decide to bypass my heart. They can apparently do all of that during the same procedure, as I understand it.
I’ll just be there, doing what I’m learning to do — nothing at all. Then, I’ll hopefully be able to resume my life activities, after another few days or a week of doing nothing at all. I suspect I’ll be ready and raring to go by then. But, I won’t forget my lesson about spreading myself too thin. I’m going to remember how old I am, and pace myself accordingly — until the next time I forget about that. I know me!
