Remembering my grandma, this women’s day

This Women’s day like many in the past, I don’t look far for heroes. I look back at my grandmother’s life, Annapurna Mishra (my dad’s mother, in Hindi, we called her daadi-ma). She was a formidable woman although she didn’t look the part. She was short and round (something I have inherited ;) ) and only wore very simple saaris, no make-up, no jewels. But she herself was a jewel and very loved on her side of the family. She was born as the eldest of five, in the poor out backs of Bihar, one of the poorest states in India. She grew up during the last stages of British rule of India. She was in high school and you can say she took part in ‘activism’ designing banners and signs for ‘Quit India’ movement. Ironic for her, that her kids and grandkids decided to later migrate to Britain and the US; she was fervently against permanent migration. She lived and breathed and was enmeshed in her community. She was one of the first lady doctors in her community in Bihar. She recalled that she and another couple of ‘girls’ were the only medical students in her medical university in the mid-late 1940s and how the ‘boys’ would make fun and tease them. I always say that it was my grandfather who was the first feminist of our family. He left his ancestral home and property because his family did not support my grandmother’s desire to continue studying to become a doctor and he absolutely believed in his wife’s ambitions; although they had an arranged marriage, no doubt, that my grandfather absolutely adored and supported his wife because he himself was a lecturer and believed that education is the answer to practically everything in life!

Grandma started off very humbly and had my dad when she was only 18 years old and just started university. She struggled financially a lot during university education as my grandfather did not earn much as a fresh university lecturer, my dad recalled how she would hunt for pennies to buy milk. Deciding to go it alone and relinquishing ancestral inheritance is a huge sacrifice, my paternal grandparents certainly could have led easier lives but they would still have remained in very traditional gendered roles and sacrifice their personal autonomy for working on the family land and my grandma would have spent her life cooking and cleaning for the joint family and rearing children. Somehow though through sheer hard work and grit, they established their working life paths. Once she qualified as a doctor in a newly independent India, she was placed in government hospitals and duties in the most remote parts of Bihar. In her career, spanning 35 years she must have delivered 1000s of complicated births and helped thousands of women and families that could not afford private doctors. When I got to spend a few months with her in her final years, while I was living and working in India, she used to tell me lots of stories. I was so lucky to have spent those moments with her. She always said not to doubt the generosity of people and God to take care of you, people who had hardly anything would give her what they could in gratitude for her services, maybe it would be vegetables, maybe it would be grain. She never ran out of food that way!

Of course as she became more senior and experienced, she got a few opportunities that made her a teacher to younger doctors. She got to learn some new techniques to help with, for example, ectopic pregnancies and she used all her learnings in a place that had hardly enough female doctors practicing such things. Her skills were a rare commodity, and so she earned a lot of respect in the community. So much so that when she died and my family were taking her body to Varanasi to do the last rites, some random people passing by in the street, recognised her. She was not a famous film star or politician or activist. She worked quietly, methodically and she knew her stuff but mostly she had a very strong faith and sense of determination. And as a grandma, she was very wise. No doubt she had the Midas touch. I remember after she retired and I was living with her, she got a plant cutting from somewhere, she planted it and it just grew and flowered well after she had passed on. She gave me some invaluable life advice and I want to pass her message on so that you too can feel her loving grace through:

• No matter how bad it gets, never give up-keep the faith. Some solution will be found to your problem, keep seeking, your job is to seek and God/ the universe will help find the solution.
• Never let people bully you into things you don’t want to do. Be strong and be respectful, don’t play dirty and if you do suffer in the process or something is unfair to you, don’t worry, things can change, don’t keep believing in the negative viewpoint.
• Self-care, self-care, self-care!! She said spend money on yourself, she said she never got to do that much, she wants her children and grand-children to do that for themselves. But don’t waste it, spend it on things that will nourish you and/or will lead to your growth. She always thought in terms of personal growth. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t show on your CV, it’s about who you are as a person.
• When you feel you got it really bad-look at those who are much worse and you will realise how much worse it could be and if you start feeling really amazing, like you are the bees knees! ;) look at all those who are doing so much better than you. This will keep you grounded and not deluded.
• Never get arrogant about who or what you are/ have, you can lose things and you will sometimes be forced to lose things and it will teach you to never get too attached. This was something she said she learned the hard way because she really valued her family and wanted everyone to stay close but people pursued their own paths that led everyone away from each other and she had to learn to let go.

Even after many years of her passing, I still feel her, sometimes she will come through as a budding flower, sometimes as a passing cloud. I inherited a coat she used to wear, and when I really want to feel close to her, I just wear that coat and can still get a hug from her through space-time! I say to her in my mind, don’t worry, we all went in different directions, maybe we are not together as much as a family now but we are together in spirit. The body is merely locational, the highest form of love is unconditional and we don’t have to be in each other’s lives or even embodied to feel the unconditionality of that loving presence and that’s a testament to her. My connection to her has carried me through the toughest times of my own childhood PTSD. Whenever, some anxiety gets triggered even now after years of trauma healing, she comes through to comfort me and offer her loving wisdom. And the recollection of her advice and validity makes me realise that as a woman, how I have grown through my own set of adversities and how remembering her, I tried to preserve my sensitive heart in a world that could make you cold and mad and make you believe you are wrong to feel and that sensitive cannot be strong. And as I get older, I realise the importance of self-care and self-nourishment she had advised so many years ago, even more. Thanks to my daadi-ma for inspiring this share!