Grievence and Communication

Today marks five years since my father passed away. It was quite a night. I was in a very dark place with my addiction and had no way of putting the brakes on it, as of yet.

Early that day, I said my last goodbye to him. That evening, I noticed an ambulance at the house.

We were about to spend our last night with him at the hospital.

Using drugs throughout my lifetime had caused major damage to everything about me. They are a dark-destructive spiritual force that rips families apart and causes an individual to decompose while they are still living.

However, addiction is an odd concept to try to explain to people. Most jump straight to drug addiction; active drug use is most noticeable when it’s in its worst stages of a person’s downfall.

Without the use of substances, we can still observe unhealthy choices made such as toxic relationships and unmanageable lifestyles. This can cause confusion when an individual may have some success in some areas of life that would lead a person to think they don’t have a problem. Believing that if they could get one area of their life under control, substitute or limit drug use, then their lives would be ok.

This can exalt in spiritual degradation. A decline toward dereliction and mental challenges, as the individual rationalizes or is in denial with the magnitude of how hopeless their situation actual is and thinking some areas under control.

Denial means to lie to oneself. Take a second to think about that. Control issues are a prominent trait with addiction. Seizing dominance over receiving any help at all. Picking and choosing the areas of therapy and staying stuck in vicious-repetitive loops that cause harm to themselves and others.

12-Step recovery groups identify addiction as obsessive-compulsive patterns that, at the core, are rooted in self-centeredness and self-obsession.

This avoids focusing on a particular substance or a personal uniqueness that may disqualify themselves from physical and mental repair (the restoration process needed to proceed throughout recovery).

It was around 3 a.m., and several attempts to revive my father and sustain his heart. My mother was at his side, assuring my father she would not leave his side. “I’m right here Joe”. I noticed my father’s eyes slowly draw toward my mother in a last effort of communication, or from my perception, he was grasping onto the one thing he truly loved and adored that he recognized in this spiritual transition.

When you love someone deeply, the rest of the world can dissipate away almost to the point of non-existence. My father embraced my mother in his last state of conscious awareness. I witnessed the power of those eyes. He expressed no other form of being alive minus his heart and breath being controlled by the hospital team. Yet, at this moment, they bulged wide open and turned toward my mother and boldly stated “I love you”.

Back to myself in this moment. “Joe, it’s time to say goodbye.” How painful this part has always been. I could barely lean over and tell my dad goodbye. I wasn’t ready.

I was exhausted, my immune system depleted, no sleep, and it felt like my emotional maturity was that of a teenager. All coming to fruition at this moment while being asked to finalize stopping resuscitation. I watched them attempt to revive him 11 times that night. It was traumatizing.

I had never grieved the loss of someone before. I deflect this type of severe reality. That morning I made it back to my place and passed out. When I woke, I had never in my life felt that type of shock, trauma, and pain. I believe all the issues in my life accumulated at once.

What I realized was that I heard the voice in my head. It was from others I met in 12-step recovery. I heard their voices stating they had the opportunity to bury their parent clean. This was the sound bite I had held inside for years.

Truly, the dormant seed that broke in that moment and rooted into the hope recovery might have to offer me. Others in recovery that came before me found a system that worked, believed before I believed, and I rooted in their experience.

My father’s passing was my spiritual awakening. I believed my only hope was through a 12-step recovery program that could restore an individual to their true self. A restoration process, rooted in believing I could recover from both substances and also repair any false belief systems I had developed over the course of time (misinformation).

Since my father’s passing, I have been extremely dedicated to my spiritual path of recovery. I’ve met like-minded individuals from all over the world, and they have become more than family. They are my lifeline, my best friends, and my spiritual teachers.

This past year, I was able to sit in meditation and communicate with my father (simply talk to him, and I heard his voice). A conscious reception.

It was loving and let me know he’s always right there, available, and all is well.