The Holiday

I feel the Christmas Spirit this year, and that surprises me, it was unexpected, but I remember feeling this way as a kid, I loved Christmas. I did not receive many toys and the only real present I recall was the one I didn’t get. I can still see the picture on the box with a remote-controlled flashy red car racing around a big black track.

The presents went under the tree on Christman eve, and although I had no idea what it was, the largest gift I had ever seen had my name on it. On Christmas day, I could barely contain myself as the presents were slowly handed out. My turn came and when I removed the wrapper, the heavens sang. No matter how much I fidgeted I had to wait for all the presents, or should I say, the clothes masquerading as gifts received.

As soon as I could, I raced upstairs and tore into it. I expected to see the car, but after pulling out all the track, the box was empty. Not believing my eyes, I checked and rechecked, and then I noticed the big black lettering on the side of the box, car sold separately. Reflecting on that day, I felt undeserving, and I didn’t ask for the car because I was angry and relating was not a family thing. The truth of the matter, the car was too expensive, and the dozens of fights over dire finances left me no choice but to accept hurt instead of joy.

So where is this enlivened sense of expectation arising from within me? My recognizing self-worth is fundamental to changing that story. That lively kid is still there, and it seems he is willing to give it another try.