Where I Belonged
An Eventful Road to Find It
A Trip South
Before I went to the N.A. meeting, I took a trip down to Hampton Roads, Virginia, to visit an old navy buddy and his wife. I had taken a 3-week backpacking trip through Canada with this guy while we were in the navy that was amazing in many ways. For him, it was right at the end of that trip that he met his wife.
I had been in their wedding years before when we were both still in the navy. She and I had gotten to be good friends through the years — I always felt like she liked me more than her husband — only because she said that she did, many times — but she definitely loved him, and there was never anything between us beyond a mutual admiration and affection.
On that trip, she seemed especially affectionate towards me. Not necessarily overtly so, but it definitely got me going. On the drive back up to Pennsylvania, I was feeling extremely horny. It’s not that I desired her — she’d just gotten my juices going. At that time, lust was kind of a major issue for me. I was frustrated that things with my friend Janet never went beyond friendship. My attempt at using the date-matching service hadn’t really worked out, when my first matched date turned out to be a beautiful girl, but with a ton of emotional baggage. I was so not equipped to deal with her emotional baggage.
Not a Dream
I found myself falling asleep as I got closer to home. It was late at night and it was raining hard. Finally, just about 10 miles away from my apartment, I pulled over to the shoulder of the highway, and promptly fell asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep there when I was awoken by someone knocking on my window. I looked up, and it was a nice looking girl, soaking wet from the rain. At first I thought I must be dreaming, but after shaking my head to wake up, I realized she was really there.
I rolled down my window, then saw there was a guy with her. That confirmed that it wasn’t a dream! They’d run out of gas down the road and had been walking up the highway, looking for a gas station. They didn’t have a gas can. I didn’t have one with me in the car, but I did have one back at my apartment. I offered to drive them the 10 miles to my place to get the gas can.
They were friendly enough, and from my hometown, Pittsburgh. I couldn’t tell if they were together, as in a relationship, or just traveling together. They could have been brother and sister. She and I had hit it off from the moment I first saw her. She was pretty hot, and she seemed to like me. It must have been that Pittsburgh connection.
Drying Off
When we got to my place, I invited them in to dry off while I got the gas can. They had some pot, so we got high, and listened to records on my stereo. The guy was enthralled with my album collection — I had a few hundred albums, and had them all in alphabetical order by artist name.
While he was in the living room looking through my albums, I took her over to where my washer and dryer were, right across the hallway from my bedroom. I told her I could give them robes to wear while they dried their clothes off in the dryer. She just smiled and said, “That won’t be necessary” and proceeded to peel her clothes off right there in front of me, and tossed them into the dryer, giving me a look that was unmistakable.
Ending My Using Days With a Bang
I didn’t need any further prompting, as I pulled her into my bedroom, closed and locked the door. We proceeded to go at it for the next good while. It was a good while. After a bit, the guy came knocking at the door, but she told him to go away. He did not sound happy. I was concerned what he might do, but she said not to worry about him — so I didn’t. I was having too good a time!
I had no idea what their relationship was about. She told me they had dated once, but were now just friends, and occasional fuck-buddies. I didn’t care at that point — we were enjoying the wildest, most unbridled sex I’d ever had. Definitely the most spontaneous. I felt like I was living out a “Dear Penthouse” letter, and was more in the moment than I had ever been.
It was just a nice way to wrap up my drug using days, because that was the last time I got high before I went to my first N.A. meeting. I would have one more relapse after I got there, but that was the one and only time I used against my better judgement.
So, after working about 60 hours that week, I somehow managed to not get high at all, as I went to a few AA meetings during the week. It was usually one or the other for me — either get high, or go to a meeting. I never did both. It made no sense to.
I was really intrigued by what that guy Steve had told me about the N.A. meeting. He’d said they were all a lot younger, and that they were about staying off everything, pot included. I was to a point where I was willing to do anything to stop feeling as lonely, and as out-of-my-mind as I had been feeling. Things were getting very crazy for me, mentally and emotionally. I’d felt like I was losing all control.
First N.A. Meeting
Come Saturday night, I finally made my way down to the Hulmeville Friendship Group of Narcotics Anonymous, about a mile from my place. They met in a tiny white church right on Hulmeville Road, down in the basement. I walked down those steps, and into the little room on the right. At first I thought I must be in the wrong place.
I was used to being one of the younger people in the AA meetings. I was 25 years old. Here, I was clearly the oldest in the room. There were some who had to be as young as 15, and the oldest couldn’t have been any more than 19. They were all acting out all over the place. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. When I asked someone what this was, they told me “this is NA”. Okay! I was there, so I just sat there, trying not to look too conspicuous.
They started the meeting, and everything got more serious. They read from a little white booklet. I found the readings to be very interesting. I was definitely intrigued. But I kept looking around at all these kids, and still did not feel like I was in the right place. I hung in there until the break, about a half hour into the meeting, then quickly went out to get a cup of coffee where it was set up in the hallway.
As I poured my coffee, I kept glancing over at the stairs up and out of there. I was just about ready to make my break. This was too crazy — I’d go back to one of those safe AA meetings. Or, maybe I’d just get high. I wasn’t that bad, really, I tried to reason with myself.
Before I could make my break, this young guy came over and said, “Hi, I’m George. I haven’t seen you around here before. Are you new?”
“Oh, no, I’ve been sober in AA for a couple years, now. I’ve been around the meetings.”
“Oh, I see. Well, why are you here?”
“This guy Steve told me about this meeting and said I might like it. I’m not too sure about it, honestly.”
“Do you do any drugs besides alcohol?”
“Oh, yeah, I smoke pot, do some opium, and cocaine once or twice. Mostly pot.”
He went on to explain to me about total abstinence, which NA was all about, and that they included any and all mind or mood altering substances in what they abstained from. So I said, “In that case, I’m 5 days clean. I got high on Sunday”, remembering my last, wild little fling.
George invited me back in, and as I sat down, I remembered something I’d heard someone say in AA. “When you start drinking, you stop growing, emotionally.” I thought about that, and what George had said. I looked around at all of those kids, and in that moment I realized — I am just like them. Emotionally, I was 15, the age I started drinking at. For the first time, maybe in my life, I felt like I was right where I belonged. I never looked back.
