Why better to be a cat than a daughter?
I want to thank my parents for being so incredibly not perfect.
Only now I started to appreciate the way they treated me when I was small. After childhood like that, the rest of life feels like a vacation.
Once you make peace with your past, nothing can stop you. When it’s impossible to forgive and forget, I just turn my traumatic childhood adventures into life lessons that I am grateful for.
Underneath the bathtub
My mom screams. Her high-pitched voice hits the walls. She grabs my hand and drags me towards the bathroom. I know it is the end of my times. The execution hour has begun. Fear strikes me like lighting and I pull all the last strengths to get out.
She throws me on the bathroom floor and closes the door. The light is on. But I know that in a moment it will be off. In a moment inevitable darkness will go through pores in my skin and will feast of my soul.
The lights go done. I know it`s there. Underneath the bathroom tab. It`s coming for me. Short paws with sharp claws scratch the cold tiles. I hit the door with the same frequency my heart bits. I want to live. I don`t want to be eaten by the crocodile that lives underneath our bathtub.
She concerned that the neighbors will hear me growling and opens the door. She thinks I am afraid of darkness. But actually, I am afraid of what my imagination hides there for me.
Later I learned that in my childhood years my imagination was my executor. Disgusted by the surrounded reality I was constantly building my other worlds where I can live peacefully. My imagination developed and at some point, I lost control over it. That`s when all the beasts were born, including the crocodile that lived underneath the bathtub.
Get high on the pitty
I grab the cat and wrap it in the blanket. The head sticks out. The cat moans.
My mom rushes to save it.
I grab the cat and stick it to the floor with light duct tape.
My mom rushes to save it.
I grab the cat and go to sleep with it like a mascot. The cat meows for help.
My mom rushes to save it.
She thinks I am evil and ferociously violent as all kids of my age.
I torched this cat only for one reason. To witness my mom`s compassion.
She never pitties me. So I fetish the image of my mom being sensitive and kind. My mom showing empathy towards the live creature. And even if it is not me I still wanna watch that. I was positive that my mom loves the cat more than me and secretly dreamed about becoming a cat.
Because the cat suffers but never gets punished. Unlike me.
Once I was really angry and screamed at my mom. She smashed my lips with her hand. It was painful and unbearable not because of the physical aspect of that, but due to the humiliation.
Nowadays when I have to protect my boundaries, speak up and be vocal everything inside of me shrinks. I am afraid to feel that burning hit on my lips again.
On the other hand I am the nicest person you probably know.
This article is part of the series “Things my parents taught me” scattered across Medium. I encourage you to reach out to your traumatic childhood stories and think what valuable lessons did you learn and how did you benefit from it.
Check out other stories of the series “Things my parents taught me”.
