2017: NFL Ratings Lower as Damon, Diesel and Statham Rise.
How three “heroes” are destroying the National Football League.
Roger Goodell credits the undoubtedly compulsive presidential race and other distractive factors for the lack of NFL viewers in 2016.
Great assumption, but you know what they say about those, Roger.
Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders and Colin Kaepernick are amongst the easiest targets to aim for in this stretch of drought of NFL viewership. Personally, I do not contribute the #BoycottNFL, #ImWithHer, #FeelTheBern and #CrookedHilliary movement for lower ratings.
Instead, my beacon points towards Jason Statham, Matt Damon and Vin Diesel (aka Mark Sinclair, aka Dominic Toretto, aka Shane Wolf) for desensitizing society to a point at which 6'3, 250-pound men violently crashing skulls (concussions) in a public arena can not fulfill our ravenous minds.
Below I will analyze our fearless leaders, Damon, Diesel and Statham then provide an exclusive “tip-list” for the NFL to follow in order to regain viewer interest, free of charge.
1. Matt Paige Damon, Boston, MA | 5'10" — 185lbs
Damon, holder of 20 awards, is the on-screen trained assassin of choice amongst NFL viewers since his 2004 performance in The Bourne Identity, followed by 4 more films which also featured in some form the title, “Bourne.” His latest film, Jason Bourne (2016) was one of the finalizing caps for lowering 18–19 year old ratings, winning the hearts of young America with a Teen Choice Award— one of many spiraling fist punches the NFL would face in the nearing future. Who can blame them? The Johnson v. Finnegan fight looks like a junior varsity scuffle over “who’s sitting next to Becky this semester” in the shadow of Bourne.
Below, follow Joey “Desh” Ansah on how to fight like Jason Bourne.
2. Vin Diesel, Alameda County, CA| 6'0" — 225lbs
Secondly, Vin Diesel, the California native who bravely stormed the beaches of Normandy along side Tom Hanks as Private Caparzo in 1944. Later, to return in 2002 as xXx, a meatball stuntman contracted by the DOD to eliminate Russian spies in which all actions were appropriately coined with an awe-inspiring quote moments before or after target elimination, sending the NFL Mic’d Up series down the drain.
Consistently throughout the 2000s, Big D’s most profound performances appeared in The Fast and Furious series (2001–17), where rumored- not confirmed, Brian Urlacher began his stunt double career. Fourth and 3rd on the 20 yard line is petty compared zero to 60 in 0.07 seconds with pink slips on the line, dude.
3. Jason Statham, Shirebrook, UK | 5'10" — 185lbs
Most feared by the NFL, Jason Statham, debatably has the highest special teams potential in the acting world today. With a -14 percent consideration of human life or fear, he is an icon designed specifically by Hollywood for NFL viewers to see what they are missing. Sadly, Jason is not sprinting aimlessly downfield handing out death certificates on Sundays at Lambeau Field.
Instead, 205 million viewers are subject to watch heavily padded men demonstrate fundamental skills without the benefits of an Audi r8 or 9mm pistol in order to rescue an international supermodel who in the end, happens to also be one of the bad guys. Statham’s only award was a product of the action packed film Crank, where he earned the 2006 Most Offensive Male Character of the Year determined by the Women Film Critics Circle Awards, not the ESPYS.
So, how does the National Football League regain its viewers from the high-voltage, pulse throbbing superstars of Hollywood? I’ll tell you, Roger-
2017 Tip List
Presented for National Football League
- Refrain from immediate commercial breaks when players are injured.
- Confirm Brian Urlacher did participate as Vin Diesel’s stunt double.
- Report all unreported concussions.
- Replace field logos with shark infested tanks.
- Place international supermodel in each opponent’s endzone.
- Substitute challenge flags with stun grenades.
- Grant GM’s with ownership of players identities and memories.
Sincerely,
America
…Free of charge, for the future of the greatest sport on Earth.
