What If “Loving Yourself” Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Does?
I want to preface this by saying that I am not a life coach, a psychologist, a relationship expert or anything else that would make me qualified to discuss the topic.
But I do have some layman’s thoughts that I want to share.
The self-help fallacy
There is nothing wrong with trying to help yourself or reading self-help books. It becomes a problem when you misunderstand the whole helping yourself business.
Helping yourself does not mean fixing yourself.
When you get into this mentality — that’s when things go south.
I believe that self-help is about becoming a better version of yourself—more confident, focused, organized, insert another adjective. You can use it when you want to change the way you look upon the world or react to events because you simply don’t like the consequences.
Loving yourself is not about fixing yourself
The thing is — and this is where trying to help yourself can do more harm than good — the thing is that, many times, you can start off believing there’s something wrong with you.
And, what happens most often, is that you come across this method or that method and you start meditating or doing visualizations or whatnot. I’m not saying these methods won’t help you. Do whatever feels good for you.
What I am saying is that doing a set of exercises won’t “fix you”. It won’t because there’s nothing to fix.
You can’t fix yourself because nothing is wrong with you. And you will never be perfect, anyway. Nobody is.
Loving yourself isn’t some special skill you don’t possess. On the contrary, it’s right there inside of you, this very moment.
And, the best thing is, you don’t have to move a finger to conjure it into existence. It is there.
Just let go of the burden of trying to fix yourself.
Stop thinking “If I do X, I’ll get Y.” or “Only if I could be more…, I’d be able to….”
There are no finish lines and milestones. There is no definite place where you magically start to love yourself. At least, I don’t think that exists.
Finally, not loving yourself doesn’t mean you can’t be in a relationship. It’s not some prerequisite. It simply means that the relationships you have may not be the ones you want.
Loving yourself is not about being self-sufficient
Now, this is the other type of “disease” you can get from trying too hard to love yourself:
“I feel so good on my own! I don’t need anyone!”
Maybe you don’t. I won’t judge.
But I personally think this whole trend is spinning out of control. Some people are marrying themselves. Others are avoiding deep connections trying to protect themselves from the pain that will inevitably come one day.
What if you can’t be self-sufficient?
What if your so-happy-by-myself sassy alter ego is nothing but a mask?
What if you really need to have meaningful relationships with other people and there’s nothing you can do to block this need?
What then?
Well, stop trying to hide from your needs and desires and see what happens…
If you’re only happy around other people or in a relationship, then accept it.
You might suddenly start to feel truly happy on your own. Because will be aware of your needs and you will be looking to fulfill them. What’s wrong about that?
Loving yourself is simply about acceptance
To me, “loving yourself” doesn’t mean being ecstatic on your own. If you don’t feel alright outside of a relationship, don’t try to change it. Don’t try to be self-sufficient. This is who you are, this is what you need and it’s perfectly fine.
Admit it. Accept it. Be OK with it.
I believe loving yourself is simply about being at peace with who you are. It’s not about becoming someone else.
If you find yourself in a relationship you don’t like, then, by all means, think about it and change your behavior if you want. But don’t try to fix yourself. And don’t deny your basic human needs.
