I’m a terrible person, and here is why
Imagining the worst version of myself.
I have a distinct memory of being twenty-four years old and running into a former high school classmate at a bar. Not a close friend, but someone I walked down the graduation aisle with. I recognized him and cheerfully extended my hand to greet him. He looked down at it, back up at my face, and then looked away without extending his own hand. I didn’t understand.
“I’m Thor, remember me? From high school.”
“Of course I remember. That’s why I won’t shake your hand.”
“What do you mean?”
“One day, after school, I drove up in my car. You were there. I was playing my favorite album of that time, Whitesnake, I think. You looked at me with disgust, and said something like, ‘that is some god awful music.’ The ultimate dick move. I loved that album, and you made me feel like shit for it. You’re an asshole and I want nothing to do with you.”
That conversation always stayed with me. I don’t remember that incident, exactly, but I probably said something like that — it was Whitesnake after all, and I was seventeen. But it made me appreciate how a public identity is a delicate stitching together of small expressions of personality, and if you live long enough someone will stitch together a profile that absolutely proves that you are a terrible person.
Meanwhile, humans being self-justification machines and all, we compile an argument for why our own behavior makes sense, why our motivations are pure. Most of us, if pressed, will admit to the occasional avarice, lust or gluttony, but these infractions are minor compared with the vast sweep of our lives. We may even berate ourselves obsessively for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time (e.g., Bridget Jones?), yet we kick ourselves precisely because these actions don’t reflect our intentions. But what if your internal narrative is a self-deception and the worst case is truer?
What if you are a terrible person and just haven’t realized it?
Presidential election season is a particularly good time to think on this, as we find ourselves villainizing our political opposites with absolute certainty.
So my challenge to you is this: write the most scathing portrait of yourself possible. No on-the-other-hands or howevers. Just the best argument for your malevolence that you can muster. Warning: every cell in your brain will rebel. Which is exactly why it’s worth doing. I think.
From experience, I figure there’s a 60% chance this exercise will enhance your self-knowledge, and a 40% chance it will lead to drug addiction and early death. About the same odds as co-founding a business with a close relative.
(Note: since originally publishing this several people have told me they really don’t need any encouragement thinking the worst about themselves — they struggle plenty with this already. To those of you in this camp, please disregard this challenge and take yourself out for a nice piece of pie because you deserve it. Judging from the vitriol that overfloweth on these here Internets, however, there are many who could benefit from turning the funhouse mirror on themselves)
I wrote my own blurb about why I am a terrible, untrustworthy person, but my wife, Amy Muller, objected to me publishing it. She said she was afraid someone would take it out of context and use it against me in the future. However, I think I may have just hit a little close to home. So instead, I’ve written an example hit piece below on someone else who’s nothing at all (ahem) like me.
Consider this a hypothetical example
M is an arrogant hypocrite who is deeply self-involved, single-minded in his pursuit of his own pleasures and ambitions. He overflows with progressive rhetoric (he talks frequently about creating a fairer society, universal basic income, and climate change) but his materialistic, self-serving actions are at such extreme odds with his rhetoric, that one can only conclude that he is a charlatan of the first order. His weekends are not spent at soup kitchens, demonstrating against environmental abusers, building housing for the poor, etc, but instead spent serving himself through leisure activities and narcissistic creative pursuits.
An analysis of his social media feeds shows him as a shameless self-promoter, cynically pushing his own interests, and those of his associates for personal gain. Every tweet and blog post finds him peddling his products under the guise of “sharing his knowledge.’
M’s involvement with social impact ventures is a transparent effort to whitewash his rapacious capitalism. He claims to be bringing positive change to under-served communities, but in truth he is pushing for-profit business to the world’s poorest. His arguments about spreading entrepreneurship to emerging markets are self-serving and dripping with hubris.
Like so many in his resource hoarding class, he demonstrates a ruthless drive towards establishing and protecting a family dynasty. Most of his resources flow into the creation of unfair advantages for his children, from elite private schools, to the international travel that is the exclusive privilege of neo-imperialists. Any volunteering he’s done in school communities should be dismissed as cynical self-interest.
His pathological narcissism is in evidence everywhere: he is terrible at responding to emails, proactively staying in touch with friends and family, and frequently makes insensitive comments that reflect disrespect to others.
As you can see, M is not only corrupt, but demonstrates a variety of toxic personality disorders. He should be avoided at all costs.
