Evangelical Convert Struggles to Keep Up With Church’s Politics
New Christian and Arbor Heights Evangelical Church attendee Joshua Redding is reportedly falling behind in his studies for membership at the church. Redding is reportedly excelling in the Theology, Ethics, Biblical Studies, and Evangelism portions of the membership class, but slipping in the Politics curriculum.
“Josh is really a great guy, we just have to keep discipling him through our Christian political views,” reports class teacher Cliff Simpson. “He’s reading his Bible like crazy, turning his entire life around, telling his friends and family about Jesus, but he can’t keep it straight that as Christians, we’re supposed to support the modern state of Israel and oppose gun safety legislation. I think he’ll get there with some time, hard study, and of course, prayer.”
When Redding converted to Christianity, it had nothing to do with Arbor Heights Evangelical’s position on public policy, but a realization that his worldly lifestyle was unfulfilling. After talking to some of his Christian coworkers, both Arbor Heights members, he realized that only faith in Jesus Christ could offer him any hope. “I don’t know anything about women’s reproductive health or strategically zoned legislative districts, just that God pulled me out of a pit, and for the first time in my life, I felt true love and forgiveness.” Redding continued, “But gosh, is it difficult to remember the difference between being pro-life on healthcare and anti-gun rights on violent crime!”
Arbor Heights hosts frequent political rallies for local Republican Party members, and these events are near to the hearts of church members. When asked who he would be voting for in an upcoming City Counsel seat, Redding mistakenly sided with the Independent candidate. “Hah, silly ol’ Josh got all mixed up again!” remarked Arbor Heights deacon Cliff Simpson, continuing, “I know it can be tricky, but the Word of God is clear on this issue: it’s better to support a borderline maniac who’s a Republican than any Democrat or third-party candidate. Otherwise, their liberal agenda will undermine all the Christ-honoring work we’ve been doing to cut taxes by defunding public services, especially local nutritional assistance programs.”
When asked about the source of his confusion regarding his church’s political leanings, Redding said the following: “I’m so glad that I have Arbor Heights to teach me all this stuff, because my intuition is way off! The other day I was reading James 5, which says: ‘Come now, you rich, weep and howl for the miseries that are coming upon you…The wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, are crying out against you…You have lived on the earth in luxury and in self-indulgence.’ At first, I thought, ‘Why aren’t Christians leading a boycott of goods sold without Fair Trade certification?’ But then Deacon Cliff explained that it’s more important to save our money by shopping at Walmart so that we can fund the Republican Party’s efforts to control state and federal legislatures. Thank the Lord for Cliff, because I was way out of line on that one!”
At press time, Joshua Redding was reportedly doing much better in his membership studies after taking a break from reading his Bible to focus on conservative talk radio programs.
