BOOK CHALLENGE┃ INSPIRATION
Life-Changing Lessons I Learned From the Four Agreements
Based on #2021/22 Book Challenge in The Summit Publication
“Every human is an artist. The dream of your life is to make beautiful art.”
― Don Miguel Ruiz
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz has been one of the books I have thoroughly enjoyed and have kept dear to my soul through the years. As you can see from the photo, I have been reading this book from back to back numerous times. Every time I feel like I am stumbling upon some new fascinating knowledge I haven’t previously been aware was in there.
I guess everything comes at the right time in our lives when we are truly ready for it.
I first became acquainted with the Toltec Wisdom a few years ago when I first started my spiritual journey, whilst in China.
From my experience with it as well as others who have read it, The Four Agreements distills the essential ancient Toltec wisdom in an accessible manner which offers the reader a chance to have numerous insights whilst having to pause after certain paragraphs to properly process what they have just read.
What is the Toltec Wisdom?
The Toltecs, as the writer states in the first pages, were known through Mexico as men and women of knowledge, or better said, a group of scientists and artists who created a society meant to better comprehend and preserve the spiritual knowledge as well as the practices of the ancestors.
The Smokey Mirror
In this chapter, Don Miguel Ruiz tells the story of a human who was studying to become a medicine man. One night, he had a dream which provided him with a glimpse into the truth of life:
“Everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God. He also came to the conclusion that human perception is merely light perceiving light. He also saw that matter is a mirror- everything is a mirror that reflects light and creates images of light- and the world is an illusion, the dream, is just like smoke which doesn’t allow us to see what we really are. “— Don Miguel Ruiz
I found the concept of life being a Dream very interesting since, at the time, I was just delving deeper into Buddism and Hinduism where this notion was at the core of the teachings.
It also reminded me of the well-known nursery rhyme:
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream,
Merrily merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream.
Another interesting concept the author mentions within the first pages is that of ‘domestication of humans’, a term he uses to describe the fact that we didn’t get the opportunity to choose our beliefs at a young age, but that we agreed with the information that the others passed on to us.
By agreeing to the information we get, we start believing it and thus adopting it as our own. In psychology, we often refer to this term as a set of limiting beliefs that we adopt through childhood and that start shaping our choices and life views as we grow older. We tend to forget that most of these beliefs which we developed as coping mechanisms in childhood- a way to avoid punishment and please our parents or caregivers; are now hindering and stomping our growth as adults.
What Are The Four Agreements?
The First Agreement: Be Impeccable with Your Word
According to the author, this agreement is the most important one and yet the most difficult to honor. Through the power of the spoken and/or written word we express our creative power, we bring manifestations to life. But as we can use it to bring good fortune and blessings into other people’s lives, we can also use it to bring sorrow and lower vibrational feelings. For instance, if you meet a friend in the street and you tell them they look so pale, sickish even, that person is more prone to start having thoughts that lead them to believe they might actually be sick.
This is valid for the way we talk to ourselves as well. If we talk down to ourselves repeatedly and we feed the limiting beliefs of not being good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, we are going to start acting accordingly and miss on opportunities, settle for less than we deserve, suffer from the impostor syndrome, and subconsciously emanate a frequency that will attract other people into our life confirming those limiting beliefs we have about ourselves.
He also brings into discussion the notion of gossip. He notes that “misery likes company” and people who are suffering will always want to make others suffer so they can feel better. You have probably noticed that people who gossip are really not that satisfied with their lives deep down.
What to do
“Everything you feel or believe or say that goes against yourself is a sin. “— Don Miguel Ruiz
Pay more attention and be more mindful of the words you use in the presence of others. Make sure you always have a good, encouraging, and supportive word for someone.
Don’t adopt a passive-aggressive attitude towards others, state clearly what is bothering you. use the I statements. For example: I didn’t feel heard by you. instead of saying: You never listen to me.
The same goes for you. Be more mindful of the words you use when you talk to yourself. Lower down the voice of your inner critique and try to find out where those beliefs came from, to begin with. Can you adopt a more gentle and nurturing tone with yourself? What would that sound like?
The Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally
“You take it personally because you agree with whatever was said. As soon as you agree, the poison goes through you, and you are trapped in the dream of hell. “— Don Miguel Ruiz
More often than ever, people's behaviors and words have nothing to do with the person they interact with at that moment. Perhaps they had a bad day and as it happens, you are there. And having your own triggers and unresolved limiting believes, you start identifying with whatever it is they said to you. You assume that what they said was directed at you personally and you take it as a universally valid truth about yourself.
Our biggest triggers are the buttons pushed by our parents or caregivers. During my therapy sessions, I have met many clients who still are affected by certain remarks their parents make regarding their physical aspect of intelligence. When the client and I advance in the therapeutic process, in most cases, I manage to find a parent figure who has his/her own issues regarding their own physical aspect or intelligence which they project onto their children.
What to do
This can also apply to other family members or friends or even strangers whom you randomly meet on the street. As Don Miguel Ruiz says: Don’t let their emotional garbage become your own garbage.
Choosing to remain poised and realizing that only hurt people hurt people is key to mastering this agreement, alongside doing the proper inner work which leads to relying less on external validation.
The Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions
“We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.” — Don Miguel Ruiz
Why do we tend to make assumptions? Because we are afraid to ask questions. What if we are going to get heartbroken, wounded, or laughed at? We might relieve some trauma from childhood when we innocently asked a harmless question but one of the things above happened which made us doubt ourselves.
More often than ever, this behavior can be seen whilst we interact with someone we like. Instead of being brave and asking whether they like us back or invite them out, we start making assumptions and dreaming of a future together. Only in the end to being disappointed when nothing actually happens between us and our ‘ideal’ partner.
If taken to great length, this can lead to a state of limerence, a psychological term used to describe romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one’s feelings reciprocated. Of course, these cases are rare, but it all starts with making assumptions and living in a fantasy world for too long without taking inspired action.
What to do
Ask questions! Don’t be afraid of what others might think, you have the right to know. Stop betraying yourself and start asking the questions your soul needs in order to have peace of mind.
Free yourself from the anguish and torment the assumptions put you in. It is not worth your time and your mental health to live in a world of ‘what ifs’ where nothing ever gets concretized. You deserve a life in which you feel safe enough to ask questions and continue living a wonderful life no matter the answer you get.
The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best
‘’By doing your best, the habits of misusing your word, taking things personally, and making assumptions will become weaker and less frequent with time. You don’t need to judge yourself, feel guilty, or punish yourself if you cannot keep these agreements.” — Don Miguel Ruiz
This agreement simply means putting into action the first three agreements. As we go through life cycles and changes, our best can really have different notions. As we know, factors like tiredness, hunger, sickness, stress, loss can play important roles in our resilience thresholds. Of course, we are going to be more patient and less triggered when we are relaxed, rested, and well-fed. And that we are going to lash out from time to time and that's ok. We cannot be 100% at all times.
What to do
The important thing is to be at peace with our decisions and ways of treating others as much as possible. Enjoying ourselves and our life whilst acting in accordance with our core values is the secret ingredient.
Taking intentional action because it makes you feel good, not because you are expecting a reward is crucial. As the author says, the less attached you are to a reward, the more inner fulfillment you will feel and the life itself will find a way to reward you. Become fully alive and present in the NOW.
Breaking Old Agreements
The last chapter of the book teaches us that the generational knowledge passed on is a perfectly normal thing and that our parents thought us what they knew at that time and what they thought was best for us.
They simply transmitted the programming consisting of beliefs, values, and parenting skills they received from their parents when they were children.
But you hold the power now and you can decide to liberate yourself from them through awareness.
“If you are not aware that your mind is full of wounds and emotional poison, you cannot begin to clean and heal the wounds and you will continue to suffer. “ — Don Miguel Ruiz
Challenging the belief systems that have been playing in the background for so many years is the next step towards transforming them into beliefs that serve you and help you grow and become who you are supposed to become in this lifetime.
Use forgiveness as an essential tool to release yourself from resentment, from both the Judge and the Victim that reside in your mind so that you can finally learn to practice forgiveness.
These habits will not come easily. For the neuronal pathways to form new connections, you need to practice these habits daily, to restructure and dismantle the old limiting beliefs and behaviors and replace them with healthy ones that serve you best.
There are also some wonderful prayers at the end of the book which can nourish your soul and strengthen the connection with the Divine. I wholeheartedly recommend them.
“When you feel good, everything around you is good, when everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You are loving everything that is around you, because you are loving yourself. Because you like the way you are. Because you are happy with your life. You are happy with the movie that you are producing, happy with your agreements with life. You are at peace, and you are happy. You live in that state of bliss where everything is so wonderful, and everything is so beautiful.” — Don Miguel Ruiz
I would love to know if you have read The Four Agreements and if so, which parts resonated with you the most and why.
Thank you for reading! I appreciate you!
I would like to give a shoutout to an amazing writer here on Medium, Hamsalekha for her wonderfully well-written and inspiring article called The Wisdom of Tao from Winnie the Pooh, in which she did an excellent review of the book The Tao of Pooh written by Benjamin Hoff. You can find it here:
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