Hey, Black Girl On Autopilot: Here’s How Not to Crash.
Human awareness has many levels. For many of us, much of our time awake is spent in a type of awareness called autopilot. Autopilot has been linked to daydreaming and is also called the brain’s “default mode.”
Autopilot is the opposite of being in a state of observation.
Going on autopilot can also be a strategy for avoiding emotion, one young black women have begun to know all too well.
Because painful emotions are unaccompanied by unpleasant bodily sensations, thoughts and urges, it makes sense why we avoid them constantly. Duh. I refuse to suffer, period. But emotions just don’t go away, by avoiding them, we simply go numb. Autopilot also occur when we are with familiar people doing familiar things but our minds are not engaged with what we are doing, during things like grooming, cleaning house, preparing or eating food, or driving to a familiar place. If you’re a black woman who has noticed that you have been on autopilot recently, it can be possible that instances of marginalization and discrimination (at any intersect including health, housing, class, education, sexuality, etc) have led you to routinely invalidating environments. Perhaps you have been avoiding your emotions about what has been happening with you. Perhaps this is a generational story.
When we are on autopilot, we are at a greater risk for making mistakes, both minor and serious. We may not notice important information or events in our environment. As black women, we are required to remain vigilant in a world that continuously proves it hates us…lest we fall victim to our own ignorance. This in and of itself starts to become routine.
At first, numbness or emptiness can be a relief. The relief reinforces the avoidance, also the opposite of observing. Autopilot can often become a coping mechanism, when emotional avoidance gets relied on, stemming from invalidating environments where expressing emotions was not tolerated. Environments black women grow up in and then encounter as adults in workplaces and classrooms.
Maybe you’re the kind of black woman who wasn’t allowed to make mistakes growing up; everything you did had to be better than perfect in order “to get half of what they got.” So you keep pushing aside your own feelings as unimportant, ignore your intuition, making the same relationship mistakes over and over, and ignoring your own needs.
Or maybe you’re the kind of black woman who has experienced failure, rejection letters and lack of promotions, and now it’s if you can’t do something perfectly the first time, there is no reason to try twice? Because if you aren’t going to be able to shoot straight with the gun they give you anyway…why aim? Maybe you’re too impulsive or on the other hand, always prefer to opt out and play it safe.
Emotions function to get our attention and organize us to act in accordance. When we go on autopilot during routine tasks, our minds wander and become easily distracted. When oppression is routine, autopilot can be deadly.
To shake yourself from the system’s effects on the demographic’s mental health, there are some mindfulness techniques from Cedar R. Koons, a social worker from the University of Washington. According to Koons and scientist George Mandler (1984), three things are most likely to take us off autopilot immediately. If you’re trying to get yourself off of autopilot quickly, here is some advice
First, learning a new task.
We concentrate when we want to learn something new and we continue concentrating until the task is fully learned. Once the task is learned, it can be done on autopilot. So watch a Youtube video or a Ted Talk. Order iron-on t-shirt paper and make shirts. Try a new make up skill. Learn how to braid hair. Learn how to cook a couple new recipes, different cuisines. Go to a dance class and learn new routines. People who stop feeling pleasure from activities usually stop engaging in them. You don’t deserve that.
Second, needing to make a decision.
This is for the people who feel that they work well under pressure. The need to decide will quickly take us away from autopilot. So set deadlines for yourself. Have accountability partners, like classmates, coworkers, family members, neighbors, and mentors and meet with them regularly. Get a planner for the new year and a to-do list. Get a counselor and cross off days. Set and readjust your goals accordingly.
Third, an unexpected or unusual situation.
So start doing things differently. Say yes to different invitations than you normally would. Maybe you should travel. Go to a different part of the world that you’re not used to. But obviously, there is no way you can expect this.Take in your emotions during the situation and note what makes it unusual and take the time to journal it, and write it down.
Let’s try observing?.
Observing is a very important skill to perfect, and helpful to block avoidance and dissociation (another form of autopilot), even when dealing with the uncomfortable. Unpleasant sensations prompt very strong reactions, including judgmental thoughts and emotions. The purpose of observing is to stay mindful and remain present. We should observe our thoughts.
Since our survival does not depend on reacting to strong or subtle positive emotions, and many positive emotions do not scream for our attention with sensations, they are harder to observe and describe. Which is sad. Happier emotions are important to honor as well as our pain.The experience of positive emotions increases our ability to tolerate adversity.
This isn’t about making you soft. This is about giving young black femmes the skills to process our feelings.
Usually, we take our thoughts (especially negative ones) seriously, as if they are crucial to our reality. They are not. Thought patterns are.
- Ask yourself, “What do I feel in my body?”
- Appeal to your senses.
- Pay attention to your body.
- See if you can name the primary emotion you have been feeling.
- Ask yourself “Can I describe why I feel ______”
- See if you feel any action or urges associated with emotions.
- Ask yourself “What should I do about this emotion?”
- Ask yourself about any remaining emotions.
Let’s try describing?
Describing how we feel more often should be a new year resolution for the black female autopilot community.
According to Koons, “Emotions motivate us to act in ways crucial to our survival. They inspire us to protect those we love and to seek out and rescue people who are lost, even strangers. If we had no fear, we would take unwise risks. Powerful emotions must be regulated.”
Here are some tips on how to assess and describe your feelings.
- Check the facts of an emotional situation. Some facts sometimes seem more relevant than others, but don’t discount reality. Keep all the facts. Both positive and negative information count.
- Develop a timeline. How urgent is this for you? If the urgency is intense, wait on it. Try to sleep it off.
- Avoid the control fallacy and mind reading.
- Take a walk. With or without your phone.
- Talk to your accountability partners.
- Release shame and judgment accordingly.
- Write a list of pros and cons.
- Avoid black and white thinking.
- Keep a journal. Multiple journals, but at least one.
You are the spitting image of your ancestor’s dreams, even on your worst day. This is about raising awareness about mindfulness.
But hey, even if one woman reads this and takes a nap or a walk before sending him those 10 paragraphs next time, I will feel fully accomplished. You just put your foot back on the gas. Welcome back.
