“Lack of Trust” Is The Old Enemy of Intimacy, Back Again.
One thing that’s integral to a relationship is trust. Trust has been defined as:
“reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety…of a person or thing; confidence.”
Trust is the thing that enables us to be one with our partner and lean on them for support. Trust is what let’s us love freely without fear of being hurt, whether through infidelity, physical hurt, or emotional hurt. A lot of us out here no longer have the ability to trust, and it’s sad that that’s the case. Without trust, we fear love. Intimacy itself is one of the biggest fears there is.
What many don’t know is that trust begins far before we even enter our first romantic relationship. Trust for other people and the willingness to open up begins when we’re born. From the moment you take your first gasp of air, the timer begins on your relationship with the concept of trust. You have to trust your parents and know that not only will they take care of you, but that they’ll look out for your emotional well being. Many people can’t even rely on the integrity, strength, ability, or surety of their parents, and when you can’t trust your parents you carry that distrust with you into your dating life.
If you’re attracted to women, the relationship that you have with your mother will follow you into your dating life. Because no matter what, that was the first relationship you had with a woman and that’s the meter that you’ll compare every other woman to. Whether or not you mean to, it’ll end up happening in one way or another. You’ll unknowingly attract women who are similar to your mother into your life and it’ll bring you back to the relationship you have with your mother. If your mom is the type to throw insults at you or manipulate you into doing things you’ll project those negatives onto your partners. You’ll see those traits of manipulation and emotional abuse in every woman you date. Which would be a shame as there are plenty of women who want to uplift their partners and shower them with all the love and affection they need.
The same can be said for those of us who are attracted to men. The first relationship you ever had with a man was with your father. If your dad happens to be a not so nice person, one who disregards your feelings and never keeps his promise, then that will affect the way you see other men. You’ll think that all men are despicable human beings who can’t be loyal or commit to anything. And, that’s a shame as there are many men who are all about commitment and would love to have someone to love and be loved in return.
If you did have positive relationships with both of your parents, then you’ll go into dating life with a fresh perspective and a heart open to love. But you’ll be the minority. So, if that trust is broken by a romantic partner that can follow you into other relationships as well. How would that affect your feelings towards trust moving forward? It’d be rather difficult to trust anyone.
The people you allow into your life will never get 100% of you because your guard is always up.You never know what’s waiting around the corner for you. You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop and for your heart to be trampled once again. It’s not fair and it’s not right. Being in the mode of bracing for impact weighs on the mind. It strangles the soul. You deserve better.
But, the important thing to remember is that it’s not your fault that you’ve been taken advantage of.
It’s not your fault that you’ve been used and berated. That your feelings and time were disregarded by another person, family or otherwise. So, the best thing to do is to live for yourself. Don’t let anyone’s selfish nature get in the way of your happiness. Intimacy is one of the biggest fears out there, but you’re strong enough to conquer that fear and find the people in life who will nuture & care for your heart the way that you deserve. Note that it says people, because we should kill the notion that we only need one gardener in the greenhouse. Intimacy can be platonic, romantic, whatever way you choose. It is at our liberty.
The Sunflower Girl Co. will be publishing our second print magazine (titled “intimate fears”) this Thanksgiving, available on Amazon. The magazine will be an anthology exploring the fear of intimacy and will be featuring the work of other TSGC artists like the author of the piece above: April Prince, (Lyric Ailove).
