Buell To Become Apple’s Chief Of Marketing
By Dillon Bergmann
CUPERTINO, Calif. — In a shock move today, Apple has announced that Sunset’s own Brent Buell will become its new Chief of Marketing (CMO). Many were shocked on Wall Street and Silicon Valley by the move which was unprecedented. Apple Chief Executive Tim Cook released the following statement:
“Apple Inc., is pleased to announce its new Chief Marketing Officer (“CMO”) longtime shareholder Brent Buell. Brent has been a great promoter of Apple throughout his years as a business teacher at Sunset High School. He has shown consistent ability to be able to communicate with consumers about our stock and products and will help us in our concerted efforts to communicate with young & middle-aged consumers. I am excited to work with him in the CMO role and I cannot wait to see what he can do.”
This move was not expected by anyone in the industry who thought that Jenny Davis’s role as the Apple CMO was secure, but clearly, Apple is moving in a new direction that does not include Jenny Davis. Buell, 42, was ecstatic about the new opportunity, stating to the Sunset Harold that quote “I am thrilled and honored to be named CMO. Apple is THE company in the tech world, and I’m excited to help lead it into the next decade and beyond.” Many industry experts, though shocked, were excited by Apple’s new director with one investor stating “I am excited to see what Buell can do! I think though this move is not really something that any of us were expecting, this could be a great opportunity for Apple to really focus their messaging towards the younger working demographic which should allow for greater profit.” Others were not so enthusiastic about the move with another investor stating to the Sunset Hearld that quote “I don’t really know the qualifications that a High School Accounting teacher would have to lead one of the largest corporations in the world, but then again I thought that the iPhone would just be a fad, so what do I know!” Wall Street, though shocked, reacted positively to the move with Apple stock increasing to a year-to-date high of $160.17.
Mr. Buell reassured us that he will continue to teach Accounting at Sunset High School which will be renamed Apple Indoctrination 101. Mr. Huelskamp said in a statement before the announcement of Mr. Buell as CMO of Apple that:
“Sunset High School is committed to giving students the highest quality of education that we can provide. An important facet of that is giving students a clear understanding of what the class is about and what is taught, which starts with the name. This is why due to this commitment we are pleased to rename Accounting I to the more accurate name of Apple Indoctrination 101 so that students may be able to choose classes that fit their interests more effectively.”
Students we spoke to said that they were in support of the move, with one saying, “It’s about damn time that they’ve changed the damn name of that class. I signed up to learn about T accounts but now look at me I’m $30,000 in debt because I bought too much Apple stock!”
