Inhaling the Musk: Five Elon Musk Facts You May or May Not Know
By Tia Harbaugh and Riley Mitlehner
Notice: This is a satire article.
The man of the hour has been getting a lot of attention lately — at nearly the five month-mark of his acquisition of Twitter, Elon Musk is stirring up a fiasco, primarily over blue verification checkmarks. For those of you not chronically online (kudos to you), blue checkmarks “verify” that the account of a celebrity/esteemed person actually belongs to them and not an impersonator. Pretty straightforward. In October of last year, Musk announced that blue checkmarks could now be purchased, essentially slapping a price tag on a badge that says, “I’m real, trust me”, and completely undermining the entire purpose of having the checkmark in the first place. So people on Twitter totally won’t use this to pretend to be famous people now, right? (This is the part where you shake your head in disapproval. Did you do it? Great.) Nobody’s really getting mad over this, you know, just a few small-scale celebrities like Stephen King, to whom Musk responded with teary eyes, ‘I’ll lower it to 8 dollars please stay on my platform please please’. There are now claims that he is paying for some celebrities’s checkmark subscriptions, which tracks.
Anyways, this isn’t the first super lame thing Elon Musk has done in his 51 years of life. Since there are too many to count, I present to you a simple five-item list of the worst to the weirdest facts about the richest loser in the world. Sources may vary.
Fact #1: Elon Musk was born in June.
The 28th, to be exact, making him a Cancer. According to…the internet, Cancers are known to be emotional, nurturing, and sensitive as well as insecure, but I disagree because it wasn’t very nurturing of Musk to hook live monkeys’ brains up to a computer for Neuralink only to have them all die later. I agree with the “insecure” part, though.
Fact #2: (Probably) A Terrible Father.
Musk and X-AE-12. At least he’s raising one of his children.
Aside from X-AE Toyota Corolla 2012, Musk has nine other children– you heard that right, ten children in total, and none of them ever see him, probably. This lines up with his alleged ideology that for whatever reason 7.8 billion people on earth isn’t enough and that people need to be procreating more! Good save, Mr. I’m-an-absent-father-of-1500-children-but-its-ok-because-I’m-repopulating-earth. “If people don’t have more children, civilization is going to crumble,” he says. “Mark my words.” WOW NO CRAP! Why isn’t anyone rushing to give this guy the Nobel Prize?
Scratch that — Musk should win first for “Worst Dad With a Net Worth of Over 100 Billion” because instead of disowning his child, his child disowned him. Get. Owned. Or dis-owned, I guess. One of the five children he had with his first wife, author Justine Wilson, changed her first name to match her gender identity and her last name to match her mother’s because she no longer wanted to be associated with her dad. Elon threw a fit over this and blamed her estrangement on “neo-Marxists” who were “taking over elite schools and universities”. It’s definitely the Marxists and not because he’s a bad father and person, right?
Fact #3: He made his son a twitter account!
Tweet from X-AE-12’s assumed twitter account confirming his birthday.
Aww, cute! Not. Okay, I understand why people do this. It’s dumb. “I’m going to make a social media account for my two year old child who isn’t potty trained yet” isn’t a popular train of thought but it’s such a celebrity thing to do that at this point who cares. It’s no surprise that Elon would do something like this — but the content he tweets about using the account is. Because… like seriously, what? This is all just circling back to Musk’s seemingly unstoppable ability to absolutely never be funny. Brief rundown: weird innuendos, replying to his own tweets, and to top it off, some racism.
Fact #4: Elon Musk is 6’1.
Gross.
Fact #5: Tesla trucks suck +they’re ugly
Yesss, finally, it’s time to bash on his company!
Let’s break it down:
This is a truck.
This is the car I drove on Roblox that one time.
What am I even looking at here? Who ok’d this? This minimalist futuristic stuff is going off the rails– this car looks like it came straight out of a low poly racing game available on the PS1. I’d also like to know which part of this makes it a truck? If I saw anyone driving this on the street I’d drive straight into it at full speed. (Although it would probably destroy my car instead and make it explode, it would be worth it to make a statement.)
Tesla “trucks” are designed to be light, but tough — unbreakable, even, especially their windows. Note how I said “designed”. At the truck’s grand unveiling in 2019, two metal balls were thrown at the impenetrable windows, which shattered gloriously. Elon later claimed the door of the car was already damaged because it was hit by a sledgehammer, yada yada yada…
Good news for those interested in buying this hunk of metal — production is starting this year! You too can have this…thing in YOUR garage!
Bonus Fact: Not even twitter wants him anymore…
