March’s Sunset Horoscopes
By Cole Taylor
Aries | March 21 to April 19
No man should ever have to feel like a stranger in his own home, even if he technically “lost the house during the divorce” and has to sneak in through the basement window.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ve succeeded in breeding pandas in captivity. Now the hard part will be getting them to breed with each other.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Today is a good day to stab a Capricorn.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Although you find great enjoyment in your hobby of building model trains, you resent the people who call you “the type of person who builds model trains”.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Sometimes we find things in places we least expect them, whether that be love, friendship, wealth, or in your case, a horde of ravenous cannibals.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
If you could do it all over again, you would do anything in your power to get her to stay. You can’t though, since that’s not how things work.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Strong eye contact and a firm handshake can take you far in this world. Unfortunately, it’ll take a great deal more than that to postpone your court hearing.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
For thousands of years, fire has been considered a symbol of intensity and strength. Try to keep that in mind this Thursday as you frantically roll around the cafeteria floor.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Those born under Sagittarius are really cool and smart and funny and attractive and are in no way influencing this week’s horoscope.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be lucky in love this week, so take the chance to AAAAAH LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! HE HAS A KNIFE! RUN!!!!
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will experience a profound, cathartic joy by hitting the “No Tip” button while getting boba this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will take great offense at the judge calling your carefully handcrafted bomb an “improvised” explosive device.
